Hillbe
Joined 30th Jun, 2014 ·
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There are a lot of problems with this one. First of all the formatting is terrible, resulting in unevenly spaced paragraphs that makes it all ridiculously difficult to even look at (not to mention read). I can't figure out where one paragraph ends and the next begins half the time, and there's a big white space at the end of the story that doesn't seem to have any purpose to it. It makes me think you copy/pasted it from a text document that didn't word wrap properly
Second, the story itself needs quite a bit of editing work. Okay, scratch that: a LOT of editing work. We've got missing apostrophes and commas everywhere, the overuse of ellipsis dots where periods would be fine, and words thrown about in misuse (a couple questions is hardly an inquisition).
I highly suggest putting some work into formatting it properly and editing the story to actually be readable before throwing it out for all to see. It's a lot of work, sure, but it makes it so much better that leaving it an absolute mess like this.
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