Equestrian horror: the ship

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Maromar

Maromar #1 · Oct 29th, 2016 · 2 · ·

This was a pretty neat read, no real big issue, just some grammar, missing words, and the few odd bits of phrasing. You could also do with a little more detail in your writing (show, don't tell, if you will) take this bit for example:

causing to scream hideously and lay cantoring on the floor in pain

Could be something like:

The beast hit the floor head first with a stomach churning clang. Writhing there, it clutched pitifully at the half cauterized sludge that used to be its entrails, bloody lips pulled back into a perpetual snarl, even in death.

The trick is knowing when to go for longer descriptions and when to leave things barebones. A general rule of thumb is to use bare text when transitioning with mentions of things that are necessary, yet not entertaining, leaving the longer bits for action scenes and bits of introspection. (This focus will, of course, change depending on the genre your writing in.)

In any case, have a like, I enjoyed this.

Stay awesome.

Applejack224