Three Rednecks Enter Discord's Maze

by Emerald Harp

Chapter Four

The pair of humans and ponies stared down at the enormous map of the maze, the glow of a nearby corn cob providing a soft golden light. Derpy pointed to a spot near the northern most part of the vegetable labyrinth. “We’re here by this swiggle, and we need to get over there to that door thingy.”

Jeff’s eyes widened. He gripped Bill’s shoulder to steady himself. “Oh my God, we’re almost out.”

Engvall looked at Derpy dubiously. “Are you sure?”

“Hey, dude, if she says we’re there, then we’re there,” Vinyl stated emphatically.

Bill took off his cowboy hat and ran his fingers through his glittery hair. “Okay, but how does she know that? That map looks like a plate of spaghetti dumped on a dead octopus. It hurts me just to look at it.”

Foxworthy thought for a moment. “Derpy sense . . . maybe?” The pretend Confederate looked at the pegasus.

Derpy shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never been here before. But I got a good feeling that that’s where we are. Now I did get trapped in a cookie jar once. I needed a map to get out of that one and . . .”

As the flyer regaled them about her confectionary odyssey, Bill rubbed his eyes and stifled a sob. “We’re so bucked.”

“Hey, dudes? Are you guys seeing this?”

The humans looked to where the unicorn was pointing.

“Is the sun coming up?” asked Derpy.

“Naw, we couldn’t have been in here that long,” answered Jeff.

In the distance an orange radiance was gaining brilliance, piercing the blackness that permeated between the mammoth corn stalks.

“What in the hell?” asked the pretend cowboy.

Jeff was the first to sniff the air and taste the pungent odor of burnt corn. He quickly put two and two together. “I think the maze is on fire.”

Bill’s nose twitched as he took in the new scent. He sighed, “Damn it, Larry. This has to be his fault. He pulled the same stunt when he got lost in that fun house back in 2010.”

Jeff shook his head. “No, I don’t think this one’s on him. Me and Derpy had a picnic area burn down around our ears a few minutes ago.”

“We gotta find Larry and Berry,” Derpy said nervously, “before somepony gets hurt.”

“Way ahead of you,” replied the unicorn. The D.J. took off her headphones next to one of the walls of the maze. She then produced a tiny remote control and pointed it at her gear. “You guys might want to back off and cover your ears.”

The two rednecks looked at each other skeptically, but the pegasus complied without hesitation.

A moment later the rave master pushed a button and deafening music blared forth. The corn stalks that had been standing moments ago bowed and broke before the intense dubstep beats.

The humans were driven to their knees at the intensity of the sound. But as soon as it began, the noise attack was over.

Bill slowly got to his feet and shook his head. “Holy moly, anyone get the number on that bus?”

Foxworthy coughed and wheezed before finding his bearings. “I’ve stood behind jet engines gentler than those things. Is that what you listen to all the time Vinyl?

D-J Pon 3 smiled at the maze runner. “Naw, that was quiet mode.”

**************************

“Run, Fairy! Pump those legs! Come on!” yelled Berry Punch.

“God damn it!” wheezed the redneck. “I’ve put more shit in this maze than a John Deere manure spreader.”

Larry the Cable Guy ran with all the majesty and grace one would expect of an obese human in a Paul Bunyan costume. The lumberjack risked a quick glance behind him. The nightmare was still there in all its fire and fury. The beast scorched both sides of the great labyrinth as it chased the maze runners. The howl the fire-wolf gave loosed the rednecks bowels again.

“That’s so gross,” murmured the pony.

“Why the buck won’t that bastard just pounce and eat us already? I know it can.”

The earth pony shrugged while galloping. “Dun no. Maybe it’s your scent. I’m about as hammered as I can get, and I still smell what you’re leaving behind.”

Larry glanced behind them. The monster had not closed the distance since the chase began, but the inferno that advanced in the beast’s wake felt all too real. “I think he’s playing with us.”

“Why?”

The redneck struggled to speak as he rounded another corner. “I don’t freaking know.” He would have said more, but a loose root seemed to reach out and grab him by the ankles. Down went the pretend axe man like a collapsing pine tree. Larry balled his fists in rage and tore the flannel shirt off his shoulders. “That’s it!” The mad Cable Guy took off his shoes followed quickly by his pants.

“Harry, what in Celestia’s name are you doing? We . . .”

“No! No more! I’m done. I’m stuffing one of these corn cobs in my mouth and jumping down balls first into that thing’s gullet. I’m tired of this. Save yourself Berry.”

The beast eyed the human when it came closer to the redneck and pony. Curiously the flames did not advance before the enormous wolf monster. Instead the inferno held back behind its creator as if waiting for orders. For several seconds the nearly naked Cable Guy and flame wolf stared at each other. Berry shook her head and sighed, “Men and dogs.” She produced her flask and knocked back another hit of her alcoholic beverage. As soon as she had finished her drink, the pony’s world erupted in deafening sound.

The ebony corn stalks just behind the earth pony were reduced to mulch. The violet pony screamed and covered her head until the noise subsided. The next thing she knew a pair of hands and a pair of hooves were dragging her away from a stunned looking fire canine.

“Berry, Berry Punch can you hear me?”

The pony blinked and stared up into the face of D-J Pon 3. “Vinyl? What the hay was that?” She could barely hear herself speak.

The pony blushed underneath her purple tinted glasses. “Yeah, sorry about that. I meant to launch those wubs a little further away from where you two were. It’s hard to see through these black corn stalks.”

Berry waved off the apology. “Where’s Marry?”

“Who?” asked the D.J.

“Jesus, Larry, cover yourself, there are ladies present.”

Looking over to where the human voice had come from, Berry Punch saw a cowboy standing over a still irate Cable Guy. Larry still in his underwear slowly stood up and glowered at his friends. “Screw you, Bill. Have you ever been chased by a mangy coyote that’s fifty feet wide and on fire? You’d be taking your clothes off too. I’m sweating like a whore in a cactus garden. Why that thing is probably going to eat all of us in the next second.”

Bill looked over at the fire wolf. The large creature was fleeing back the way it came, taking the fires it had created with it. The cowboy smirked, “He seems like a big softy to me.”

Before Larry could do something he’d regret, Jeff cried, “Hey! Let’s get this show on the road.” He turned to look at Derpy. The pony was staring intently down several twists and turns in the maze. He stood beside the pegasus and declared, “Derp, this is all you. Which way should we go?”

The pretend Wonderbolt didn’t reply for a moment. She glanced at all the options one last time before pointing down a very narrow path. “There, that’s the way.”

The near naked redneck came up to the fake Wonderbolt and Confederate. He squinted where the pony was gesturing. “Wow, you got good eyes. I didn’t even notice that little road. I might be able to slip down there if I really suck it in.”

“That’s what she said,” whispered Jeff.

“What?!” roared the cable guy.

“I said I’m ready for bed. Come on, let’s do this.”

**************************

“So what you’re sayin, Kerry, is I get your prize for making it out of the corn maze since we’re all working together now?”

“Yeah. I’ll be bucked if I let these two lunkheads out generosity me.”

Berry Punch shrugged, “You don’t have to do that, but Celestia knows I could use a break.” She paused for a moment and asked, “What were you going to ask for when you got out?”

“You don’t want to know.” The answer came from all three of the humans.

“Okay, now I really want to know,” declared the earth pony.

“Hey guys, we’re here,” Derpy said slowly.

The pony walked into an area of the maze wide enough in which to fit an entire city block.

Larry couldn’t believe his eyes. There on the other side of the vast open space were four huge letters hovering in mid air. They spelled the sweetest word the redneck had ever seen. EXIT. The human pulled at his beard skeptically. “Y’all think it’s real this time?”

“Well, there’s only one way to find out,” replied Bill.

Slowly, the group made their way forward to the opening in the maze. Before the men and mares could get to the center of the space, a high-pitched sinister laugh echoed from the walls of the labyrinth. “Did you really believe you’d get out that easy? You idiots.”

Jeff’s mouth went dry as he spoke the name that caused his heart to race in fear. “Danny.”

“The flower?” asked the D.J.

“Yeah, that’s him,” replied Larry.

“Where is he?” asked Derpy as she looked in every direction.

The laughter echoed and bounced off the luminescent corn cobs that made up the arena. Slowly, a green stem emerged from the dark soil. The end of the shoot morphed into a white circle soon followed by a dark face. A collar of dirty yellow petals framed the leering features of the sunflower. “Howdy, boys. Did you miss me?

“His green ass is mine!” Jeff shouted, charging the plant. He stomped up to the small flower and aimed to crush it with one well-placed foot. As the boot fell, Danny moved through the dirt like a fish through water.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” the dandelion said mockingly.

The two other rednecks joined in, trying to grab and uproot the evil vine or stamp it into the ground. Not one of them got close.

“Humans,” Danny shook his head and let the word hang in the air. He would have said more but, he had to dodge out of the way of a pony flying through the air. He did so with the grace of a matador sidestepping a bull. Berry Punch’s hooves planted themselves in the ground right in the place Danny was standing moments ago.

“Hey!” snarled Danny. “Someone’s going to get hurt here. I’ve done nothing to hurt you ponies, so far.”

“Don’t listen to that lying sack of shit!” Bill hollered. “He trapped us in a graveyard full of zombie pony statues.”

“Ah, is that what you’re sore about? Those things were harmless,” Danny said casually. He then paused and added, “Well, compared to what I’m about to do to you fellas, they’re harmless. We gotta keep things in perspective.”

D-J Pon 3 aimed her speakers at the flower. “Keep talking little guy. Any last words before I blast you to pieces?”

Danny smiled at the pony. “Do you like T.V.?”

The unicorn frowned. Before she could utter a syllable, a large television fell out of the sky and smashed down right in front of her on top of the talking dandelion.

Everyone on the ground recoiled in surprise as the television shattered all over the maze floor.

Jeff raised his eyes and hands to the sky. “My prayers have been answered. Thank you, Jesus.” He then caught sight of his pony ally hovering a good thirty feet off the ground. “And Derpy . . . did you drop that on him?”

The pegasus returned to the ground with a smile on her face. “Yes. I found it over there, behind us when we first came in.” The flyer gestured to one of the corners of the maze.

Larry bent down to get a better look at the T.V. Attached to one of the several dozen shards of glass was a post-it note. The Paul Bunyan look-alike’s balls shriveled in dread as he looked at the piece of paper. A grinning monster stared back at the redneck, seemingly ready to jump off the parchment and eviscerate him with its razor appendages. A single word was penned below in a scrawl that belonged in a slasher flick. The letters were all bent at wrong angles but still formed the desired word. “Run.”

The large axeman swallowed. “Uh, guys. Does this look kosher to any of you?”

Ponies and humans alike gaped down at the post-it.

Jeff shook his finger at the artwork. “I think I saw that thing in a nightmare once. Way back when we were dream hopping with Luna.”

Larry nodded. “Oh yeah, the Tantibus thing.”

“Right, me and her were in a Walmart about to checkout when the Tantibus made a computer want to kill us.” Jeff stared at the drawing and shivered.

“How’d you beat it?” asked Derpy.

“Oh, she blasted the thing to pieces and left.” The Confederate paused, “But she ain’t here, is she?”

“Why are we talking about this?” asked Bill. “There’s the exit, we made it, let’s get the heck out of here. Buck this maze and everything in it.”

Berry nodded enthusiastically. She had become nearly sober after taking a look at the post-it. “I vote we leave.”

Vinyl raised her hoof like a nervous school filly. “Seconded.”

The mazerunners were almost to the exit when they slowly realized something was wrong. The wind that had been brushing the tops of the massive forest of corn cobs stopped. Besides their own footfalls there was dead silence. Bill noted the deafening quiet but kept silent. Soon after, the corn cobs closest to the troop dimmed.

Jeff sighed. “That weed ain’t gonna let us out, is he?”

“Nope,” answered Larry nervously. “Ya remember in one of those “Shriek” movies where Shriek is having a nightmare and he keeps running towards a door to avoid getting crushed by an avalanche of babies? He’s running his ass off, but he’s not getting any closer to the door. This is kind of feelin like one of them nightmares.”

“Shhh,” the mailpony put a hoof to her lips. “What’s that noise?”

Bill paused. “I hear it too. It sounds like static. Like what ya hear when you’re trying to find Rush Limbaugh on the radio, and he never quite comes in clearly.”

“It’s getting closer. *Hic* or maybe I’m still concussed from earlier,” murmured Berry Punch.

“I said I was sorry. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. We made it to the finish l--" The D.J. pony was cut off when the familiar sight of towering corn stalks erupting from the ground cut off their route.

“Noooo!” screamed Jeff. The Confederate raced forward, his empty sleeve slapping his side as he bolted for the exit. But he was too late. The human tried to wiggle his arms through the dense black foliage, but the only thing he got for his trouble were cuts on his hands. Jeff felt the arms and hooves of his friends pull him back from his fruitless escape attempts. “Mother #*$#*%, we were so close!”

The static grew louder and louder as the seconds ticked by. Bill closed his eyes and tried to will the sound away but to no avail. “What would the Duke do? What would the Duke do?” he asked himself over and over to calm his icy nerves. And then . . . the noise was gone. All sound was gone, save for the heavy breathing of his comrades. And that’s when he noticed the lights.

Derpy’s mismatched eyes darted all over the maze. The corn lights were slowly dying. Her hooves closed around Jeff’s arm for comfort. The fake Confederate pulled the pretend Wonderbolt close. His fear-fueled eyes stared into those of Bill and Larry, conveying a message of growing panic. Moments later, all was dark save for the soft emerald lights of the floating exit sign.

Finally, Vinyl’s shaky words broke through the absolute quiet. “What do we do?” she whispered.

“Hold on. Let me find my flashlight,” Bill whispered back.

“You, Farb,” Jeff said mockingly, trying not to betray his unease.

“Kiss my ass,” hissed Engval.

Larry could hear his friend rifle through his pockets in the pitch black. He felt a flask being pressed into his sweaty hands. “Thanks, Berry.” The fruity wine scorched his throat. It was a welcome distraction from his current predicament.

At last the human had found his torch. The D.J. pony listened to Bill’s quiet swearing about batteries and cheap Chinese flashlights. He slapped his plastic device once, twice, thrice.

Time froze. The beam of light punched up through the darkness, and as if on command, the corn lights came back on to illuminate what was before them. Engvall dropped the flashlight, his limp fingers no longer working. He tried to look away but couldn’t. Not even the part of his brain that begged him to flee and hide could make him break eye contact. He heard dismal shouting and felt a growing wetness around his groin. Finally, the full horror of what he beheld utterly gripped his mind.

The laugh, the laugh came not from a legion of unseen throats, but from a single television screen in the heavens. Bill craned his neck skyward for the monster was tall, very tall.

The T.V. leered down from a monstrous hill of living jungle. “Going somewhere?” the multitude of voices asked. Vines spread forth from its rippling chest like tentacles. Bill stared at the fiend. It was like looking into a forest of madness made manifest and yet it looked nearly human. Two arms of oak and two legs of ash held together by hate and horror. “You’ll never leave. Here you six will remain to become one with me.” Its midriff blossomed outwards like a blooming flower to reveal a center of animated sludge. Bill held onto what was left of his sanity with both hands. Staring back at him from the monster’s center were the ghastly faces of ponies in absolute terror. Desperate hooves reached out to him and echoed Danny’s terrible voice from their lifeless throats.

“No! No! This ain’t real! I’m not here! SAVE ME, JOHN WAYNE!” Engvall sank to his knees and clamped his hands over his cowboy hat, yanking it down over his eyes.

Noise. Loud noise caused Bill to pray louder to his chosen cowboy saint. It was not the satanic army of voices laughing at him, but the overpowering clash of rhythm, rock, and techno. Dubstep.

“Dude, get a hold of yourself. We need you up here.”

Engvall felt hooves shaking him out of his panic attack. He looked up to see Vinyl staring at him over her purple shades. He looked past the pony to see that the monster had been blasted back several dozen feet by the D.J.’s headphones.

A pair of strong fleshy hands grabbed him by his collar and spun him around to face upwards. Larry the Cable Guy pointed up at the EXIT sign. “You see that?”

Bill nodded.

“Derpy thinks there’s something up there behind the EXIT.”

The cowboy blinked and looked up at the floating letters. “What? How? That doesn’t make any sense.”

Jeff was by his side shouting hysterically. “Does anything in this bucking maze make any sense, Bill? I’d stick my sausage in a light socket if it’d get us out of this maze any sooner.”

Berry Punch raised an eyebrow. “I’d pay to see that later. So what’s the plan?”

The fusion of demonic technology and corrupted nature bellowed in fury. With a role of its shoulders, Danny shook off the sonic attack and advanced towards the maze runners, one earthshaking step at a time.

Derpy flew up in the air and shouted, “You ponies and whomans distract the bad thingy while I check out the EXIT.” Without waiting for a reply, the pegasus flew straight up towards the glowing emerald letters.

Danny paused and watched the pony take to the sky. The T.V.’s smug, dandelion face twisted into shocked disbelief. “No!” cried the multitude of voices emanating from Danny and his inanimate choir. “Stay away from that!” The creature picked up speed, his lumbering form charging forward like a boulder down a mountain. Danny raised his arm. Yellow and black spines poked out from the bark of the tree and aimed at Derpy.

“Oh no, you don’t!” Larry roared. Wrenching a small hand axe from his belt holster, the fat redneck ran forward and launched the improvised missile at the monster.

The weapon flew end over end and struck the creature’s head, burying itself in one of the corners of the television set. Danny’s black and white image flickered and staggered, completely throwing off his aim. The bumblebee colored needles housed in his arms launched into the dirt of the arena.

Larry’s triumphant whoop of glee was cut short as he and his friends dove out of the way of the unguided projectiles. The wayward attack stitched the earth right where they had been standing.

Spitting out a mouthful dust, Foxworthy quickly got to his feet and yelled over at Berry Punch. “How much booze do you have left?”

The earth pony smirked. “How much do you need?”

“Enough to barbecue a roided sunflower and a cheap-ass Toshiba.”

Danny roared in pain. The ponies and humans turned to see the monster yank out the axe. Snaking vines coursed along the monster’s arms, forming green fingers. Danny turned toward the mazerunners with undisguised malice. With no effort at all, the monster ground the axe to dust between its digits.

Berry winced at the effortless display of power. “I’m not sure I have that much. I was planning to be at home getting glazed by now.”

The fake Confederate brought up his canteen full of whiskey. “No worries. Between the two of us, we should be able to fry this thing.” Foxworthy paused. “Does anyone have a lighter?”

The three rednecks patted themselves down.

“I got something,” declared the John Wayne impersonator. The redneck tossed a book of matches to Jeff. The cowboy turned his attention to the D.J. “Vinyl, why ain’t ya blasting that thing with your deaf jams . . . or whatever ya call them?”

The earth shook as the monster moved its massive form towards the mazerunners. The Television’s snowy visage finally coalesced into a haggard vision of a demonic sunflower. “You’ll pay for that, Larry. All of you will pay. Tonight I will mulch your carcasses and use your corpses as my flowerbed.”

The white unicorn ignored the threat and focused on her headphones. She wiped away the nervous sweat falling off her brow. “Sorry, dude. I think I jinxed something loose in the phones when we hit the deck. Give me a sec.”

Bill sucked on his teeth, his mind racing with possibilities. He looked up at Derpy and the EXIT sign. It might have been Engval’s imagination, but it looked like the letters were changing. The letters were more luminescent and were slowly floating towards one another. The pegasus for her part was staring at a particular part of the shifting emerald word. He wanted to call up to the mail mare, but Danny had other plans.

The flower monster let out a ferocious cry and planted both of his arms deep into the ground.

To Foxworthy it looked like two very large grabloids from the movie “Tremors” were plowing the ground straight towards him and his friends. The realization of what was about to happen added volume to his cry. “Shoot that bucker, now!”

As soon as the words left his lips, he felt cold tentacles latch onto his legs and drag him underground. The ride was over almost as soon as it began. Jeff wiped the dirt caking his eyes to find that he was hanging upside-down in front of the shattered TV screen. The redneck, to his surprise, found that he still had a death-grip on his canteen of whiskey. Hearing a whinny, he looked to his side and saw that Berry Punch was in the thrall of the other set of vines. In spite of the situation they were in, Foxworthy smiled a little. The pony was still as cool and calm as when they were on solid earth. If they somehow both managed to walk out of this maze, he would have to try what she was drinking.

Danny looked from the Confederate to the drunk. “Any last words?”

Foxworthy glanced at the earthpony. He looked her in the eye and then gave a tiny head-wiggle towards her flask. It was hard to do hanging upside down. Berry stared back for a moment before nodding. The pony unscrewed the stopper on her flask.

Jeff mirrored the motion with his canteen. He cleared his throat and asked, “Thirsty?”

The image of Danny on the Toshiba frowned. “What?”

Sloshing liquor answered the monster. The human and pony dumped alcohol on the monster until they were empty.

Danny smirked. “Thanks for watering me. You do know soda and fruit juice isn’t gonna hurt me.”

Dropping his canteen, Jeff fished out the book of matches Bill had given him. After striking one to life Foxworthy grinned menacingly at the Dandelion creature. “Cheers, Danny. I hope your time in Tartarus is as fun as your trip there.” Jeff tossed the match down at the monster’s feet, and to the Confederate’s shock, it was like setting a blowtorch to gasoline.

The creature’s scream reverberated throughout the maze’s walls. Jeff and Berry covered their ears just before Danny threw the two away in his maddened death throws. Like a kid skipping stones over a pond, the redneck and pony sailed through the air. The human pin-wheeled and flailed his arms uselessly, trying to slow his speed and decent but to no avail. He put his hands over his head, preparing for the painful roadrash and broken bones. Jeff felt something press on his ribs and hug his back. Curiosity overcoming him, he turned his head. “Derpy?”

The pretend Wonderbolt was clenching her teeth trying to keep them both airborne. But it was a losing battle. “Brace yourself,” she groaned. With great effort, the pegasus steered the two of them away from the fast-approaching wall of corn stalks and back towards the center of the arena. “Let me go, Derpy!” Jeff shouted. “I got this.”

The muscles in the mailmare’s hooves and wings screamed in agony. She knew she couldn’t keep them both aloft for much longer, but still she hung on to the human. “On the count of three I’ll let go; one, two, three!”

True to her word, the flyer let go of the fake Confederate. Jeff tucked and rolled as best he could. He felt himself tumble end over end like a bowling ball until coming to a complete stop in front of a smoldering pile of electronics and flora. Wild-eyed and running an adrenaline high like no other, Jeff sprang to his feet. Just as quickly, he knelt down on his knees when the pain in his ankles made itself felt. Seeing his friends running up to him, he waved and slowly stood back up again. A rebel-yell clawed its way from his throat as he howled into the night sky. “We did it!” screamed the redneck.

Answering hoots and hollers joined Jeff’s when the team of mazerunners was reunited. Foxworthy grabbed Bill’s outstretched hands and shoulder to steady himself. He looked at Berry Punch. The pony was being carried piggy-back style by Larry the Cable Guy. “You okay, Berry?” asked Jeff.

The pony answered him with a loud snore and the words, “Waiter, make that a double.”

Larry smiled in sympathy for the exhausted equine. “Ah, she’ll be alright. We found her like this when she hit the ground. Other than a few scratches and bruises, she’s just fine. Let me tell ya what, earth ponies are tough.” The redneck shifted the weight on his back. “She ain’t light though.”

“Speak for yourself, fatty,” Berry muttered.

Jeff laughed and turned his attention to the only pony in a costume. “And you, you dropped me.”

Derpy’s happy demeanor melted in an instant. “I, I’m sorry Mr. Con--, Confederate man. Y-You were too heavy for me. I’m sorry about your ankle and . . .”

Foxworthy didn’t let her finish as he slowly knelt down and wrapped her in a warm hug. “Sweetheart, you did great. I told you to let me go and you held on way longer than I would have. If it weren’t for you, I probably wouldn’t be standing at all. When we get out of here, I’m writing a letter to Princess Celestia recommending you for the God Da--, uh, the gosh darned Wonderbolts.”

Derpy’s cheeks reddened as she beamed up proudly at the human. “Thank you. That means a lot.”

Using his hat to dust himself off, Bill asked, “What’d ya see up there, Derpy?”

The pegasus pointed up to the heavens. To Engval’s surprise, the “EXIT” letters had formed a circle in midair. In the center of the loop was a doorknob, the same color as the letters. “What in the heck? How’d you get em’ to do that?”

The mail mare shrugged. “I don’t know. When I flew up there, I saw a blinking spot on each one of the letters, and I just touched the flashing bit and that door thingy was there.”

Larry was the one who asked the obvious question. “Is it locked?”

Derpy nodded.

“Did ya jiggle the handle?”

The pony nodded again.

“Did ya use your shoulder?”

“Uh huh,” answered the pegasus.

“Did ya . . .”

“Larry!” yelled Bill. “It’s a freaking locked magical door floating in space. Ya can’t man-handle it open.”

The large Paul Bunyan look-alike frowned. “I bet I could if I could fly up there. Sometimes ya gotta finesse the handle open.”

Jeff laughed and slowly sat back down. “Oh, right. You’re all about finesse. Why don’t you tell these fine mares about the time you finessed those stain-glassed Nightmare Night windows down a flight of stairs at Caracole Boutique.

“Now . . . that was, uh, give me a sec. I got a good excuse for doing that.”

Engval was only half listening to the conversation. He was looking down at the white unicorn. She was still working on her gear with very little success. “Any luck with that?”

Vinyl sighed. “If I had my phones at 100%, I bet I could blow that thing into the stratosphere.” The pony pointed at the new door.

Bill knelt down and looked at the unicorn’s headset. “Can I take a look?”

D-J Pon 3 gave the human a strange look but shrugged. “Sure. Just be careful with them. I paid a mint for those puppies and enchanted them to blast epic wubs. Anyway, I opened her up and cleaned out all the crud, but there’s still something . . . what are you doing?”

The pretend cowboy took out his fake but sturdy six-shooter from his holster and set it on the ground. “I got an idea, but you’re not going to like it.”

“Lay it on me. Whatcha got?”

“Okay, well first of all, you gotta tell me what that is over there.” The redneck pointed off into the forest of corn stalks.

The unicorn looked and scanned the area where the human had gestured. “I don’t see anything.”

“Keep looking,” answered Engval. Without another word he took up his pistol and delivered two impactful blows to the pony’s device with the butt of his fake weapon.

Vinyl turned around with a horrified look on her face. “Did you just . . .”

“Try it now. It should work. I hope,” Bill said, quickly handing back the headphones.

“I can’t believe you just did that. This thing is my baby.” The D.J. snatched her prized item from the clutches of Bill. The pony examined the headset and to her surprise, he hadn’t cracked the plastic case. She placed the device on her head. “Do you have any idea how much I paid for these? I can’t just pick up a new one at Ponyville. This thing came from bucking Trottingham. And . . . you fixed it.” As soon as the unicorn powered on her headset, a smile crept over her face and her head started to bob to the music.

Engval let out the breath he’d been holding. “Thank you, God,” He whispered.

“Bill, you got more balls than I do,” declared Jeff.

Derpy frowned at the pretend cowboy. “That wasn’t a very nice thing to do, Mr. Cowboy.”

Bill cringed under the accusing gaze of the pony’s mismatched eyes. “I know. But it was the only thing I could think of that could help.”

“Don’t sweat it, dude,” the happy unicorn said as she set up the headphones to point up at the suspended door. “Just don’t ever, and I mean ever do that again.”

The fake cowboy gulped. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Hey, Berry. Wake up.” Larry the Cable Guy set the earth pony down and gently shook her shoulder.

“*Hic,* five more minutes.”

“Okay, but the D.J. pony has her headphones out and is about to blast down a floating door. It might be pretty sweet to watch.”

The drunk pony’s eyes slid open after hearing that. “Oh no, not that again,” she groaned. “We’re not even at a rave.”

Ignoring her complaining friend, Vinyl Scratch made the final preparations for another wub volley. “You guys ready?” She aimed her remote control at her headphones with a hoof poised over the “on” button.

The group nodded, hunkered down, and as one, covered their collective ears. Moments later a loud blaring tune exploded forth from the headset. D-J Pon 3 laughed in ecstasy as the wubs blasted the emerald door into the black ether.

“Ahhhh, make it stop! It’s too awesome!” yelled a familiar voice.

Grudgingly, the white unicorn deactivated her sound weapon and looked up at the hole in reality that she had laid bare. The D.J. took off her tinted sunglasses. It looked like some sort of control room suspended in the night sky. And in the central chair in the midst of all the levers, buttons, and gauges was Discord, clutching his ears and a magazine at the same time.

“There ya are, ya evil son of a bit-- . . . snake!” cried Larry the Cable Guy.

The draconequus blinked and stared down at the mazerunners in numb fascination. “You’re not supposed to be here, at least not yet. You all should be lost, stumbling about in the maze. How’d you get here so fast? Where’s Danny? And how in Celestia’s name did you find me?”

Bill folded his arms and glared up at his tormentor. “We don’t have to tell you crap. Now let us out of this stupid maze.”

Discord stroked his chin beard. “I’ll tell you what. If you answer my questions, I’ll let you out, you get your loot, yada yada.”

“Deal,” Larry started to say, but was interrupted.

“Woah, woah, woah. Guys, guys. Huddle up.” said the unicorn. “We gotta talk about this first. You don’t just sign a record deal without the entire band weighing in.” She turned to Discord. “Excuse us.”

Discord rolled his eyes and sighed, “If you must.”

After some confused glances and shrugging, the humans and ponies formed a circle around their wounded comrades and talked quietly amongst themselves. After a few moments, the group-think ended and Vinyl Scratch spoke. “Yo. First of all, we have our own demands. Number one, we want you to fix-up Berry and Jeff.”

“Done,” replied Discord with a snap of his fingers. A blinding light blossomed forth from the chimera’s fingertips engulfing everything. The D.J. looked around and saw that both the Confederate and Berry Punch were on their feet. Not only that, but all the humans’ costumes were mended, every pony had a shinier coat, and all the cuts and bruises sustained during their time in the maze were healed. Even her headphones were made new, not a scratch or dent on them.

“What else?” asked the chimera.

“We want out of this maze. Now!” growled the D.J.

“Are you sure about that? I mean there’s just so much more to explore. Why you all could be in here for days, maybe even weeks,” Discord said with more than a hint of excitement in his voice.

“We’re sure,” spoke all the mazerunners.

Discord sagged in disappointment. “Party poopers.” With a clap of his hands, the maze disappeared.

Jeff blinked and looked around his surroundings. They were in the middle of the Apple Family farm.

“Oh, thank God!” cried Larry. He breathed in the apple-earthy scent of the orchard.

“What in tarnation are y’all doin here? Did Apple Jack invite ya?” asked a weathered voice.

The Cable Guy looked behind him and saw the scowling figure of Granny Smith in a scarecrow costume, complete with corn cob pipe. The redneck burst into tears and pointed at the old pony. “You. Are you real? You’re not a figment of my imagination. Sweet heavenly beans, boys, have you ever seen a more beautiful sight?”

The light-green earth pony’s cheeks reddened. “Uh, . . .” At a complete loss of words, the elder turned her gaze at the chimera. “This is your doin, ain’t it? Did you kidnap these men and ponies?”

“Nope, they’re here on their own accord,” replied Discord.

“Well, ya ain’t usin my maze. This is a private party. I thought you were goin to make your own corn mess in Fluttershy’s backyard .”

Derpy nodded. “That’s where we just came from, Granny. We made it through the maze.”

The old earth pony’s eyes widened. “Well now. Fluttershy and the gang will want to hear all about that.” She paused and muttered, “Now where did I see them last. By the pit of despair? Naw. It was the tree of woe that Big Mac is campin by. If that’s right, they should be passin by Apple Bloom’s woodshed of eternal aguish. Which means, they should be commin this way right about now.”

As if on cue, six mares came walking up to the Apple Family farm house.

Fluttershy was the first to notice the newcomers. Quicker than anypony had seen her move for a long time, she zipped over to where the humans were waiting. “Oh my goodness, you’re here. I’m so happy to see you all.” She looked over at Derpy, Vinyl, and Berry. “You brought friends. Good for you. How was it? Was it fun? Was is scary? I hope it wasn’t too scary. Tell me all about it. Uh, that is if you don’t mind.”

And so, the three humans and three ponies told their tale about the great romp through the black corn maze. When it was done, Rainbow Dash was the first to speak.

“That. Sounds. Awesome.” cried the pegasus. “Can we go next? Can we? Can we? Please. Now? Please.”

Twilight frowned. “All of that sounded very scary and dangerous.”

Discord waved off the alicorn’s concern. “Please, would I let anything happen to the guinea pigs? I mean, my volunteer test subjects? I had eyes everywhere.” With a sickening ease, the draconequus slapped the back of his head dislodging both of his eyes into his hand. He placed one in a bush and the other in an apple tree before regenerating a fresh set of ocular orbs.

Foxworthy and Berry Punch both glared at the chimera. “We both nearly broke our legs,” declared Jeff.

“I pooped myself at least seven times. I know, I counted,” volunteered Larry. Everyone looked at him with disgust.

“He really did,” declared Berry Punch. “That sobers you up pretty quick, seeing a grown man that large crap himself.”

“And I got glitter-bombed with powdered LSD,” the pretend cowboy muttered. “And not the fun kind that makes everything taste good.”

“None of that was permanent,” answered Discord. “Nothing a little healing magic couldn’t fix.”

“What about Danny?” asked Vinyl Scratch. “He threatened to turn us to compost.”

“Yeah . . . Danny might have been a little overzealous with his role as guide and uh . . . terrorist. I’m going to have to have a talk with him when he grows back. I might have intervened there towards the end if I hadn’t gotten bored and lost interest. I was catching up on my draconequus weekly subscription. And besides, are we going to overlook the elephant in the room?”

Bill frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“Derpy Hooves, Vinyl Scratch, and Berry Punch have violated the rules of the corn maze race.” He pointed an accusing finger at the pegasus, unicorn, and earth pony mazerunners in kind. “You weren’t supposed to use your wings. You weren’t supposed to use your magic, and you weren’t supposed to get too drunk. Therefore any prizes you three would have gotten are now void.” Discord crossed his arms in finality.

The purple earth pony shrugged. “Whatever.”

“Hey. I used my wubs the whole time,” protested the D.J.

“Can you honestly tell me there’s no magic in your headphones?” asked Discord.

“Uh . . .”

“That’s what I thought,” said the draconequus.

Foxworthy cleared his throat and got the chimera’s attention. “What now?” growled Discord.

“If memory serves, you still owe the resident decoration hangers some form of compensation.”

“Well, technically . . .” Discord started to say, until Fluttershy flew up to his face and looked him in the eye. “Oh all right. You can turn the stare off now, my dear.” He turned to the Paul Bunyan look-alike. “Okay, Larry, if I recall correctly, you want an undead h----.”

“Hey! Hey! Hey! I changed my mind,” the fat redneck said frantically. He paused. “If I can do that.”

Discord rolled his eyes. “Fine. Just don’t ask to make you or somepony else fall in love, raise the dead, wish for more wishes, blah, blah, blah. Don’t go crazy.”

The large human looked down at Berry Punch and gestured to Discord.

The purple earthpony blinked in surprise. “You were serious about that, Mary? You’re giving me your wish?”

“Yes. And for God’s sake, my name is Larry.”

The drunk pony dropped her flask and hugged the big man. After wiping away some tears the pony looked at Discord and said, “I want to be sober again.”

Discord snapped his fingers. “Done. Who’s next?”

Berry Punch smiled and took a deep breath. “Finally. I’m me again.” She took the flask she was about to drink from moments ago and gave it to Larry. “Here, have one on me.” She paused for a moment and asked, “What were you going to wish for originally?”

The large man hesitated and chewed on his lips. Finally he leaned over and whispered into the pony’s ear.

Berry Punch was silent at first, but a smile split her face and she laughed for a good long while. “You’re crazy, Larry. But you’re my kind of crazy. I’ll see you around.”

The Cable Guy nodded dumbly and scratched his beard. “I probably shouldn’t of told her that.”

Bill slapped Larry on the shoulder in a show of support and said, “I want to try that fruity shit when you’re done.” He then raised his hand and said, “Me next.”

“Let me guess. You’re going to wish something for your pony partner. Aren’t you?” asked Discord.

“You know it. And she wants a wub house by the way.”

“A mobile wub house,” corrected Vinyl. “I mean, if that’s cool with you, boss man.”

Engvall looked up at Discord. “I have no idea what that is, but she wants one. So do your thing.”

“So be it.” Discord snapped his fingers. “The mobile wub house is at your place, D-J Pon 3. By the way, I can hear Octavia’s displeasure from here. Something about not being able to afford this monstrosity, stuff like that. ”

“Oh jeez. I better get over there. Uhhhh . . . these are for you.” The white unicorn looked at the pretend cowboy and levitated the wide-brimmed hat off his head. And in its place she levitated her prized headphones onto his head. “Thanks man. You’re the best. I gotta go.” And with that the D.J. galloped off into Ponyville.

“Hey, wait,” Bill called after her. “I can’t. These are your h---.” The human felt a tapping hoof on his hip and looked down.

“Darling, be a dear and accept what she has given you. I for one know what a wubhouse is, and believe me when I say that you have given her a far greater gift than what she has given you just now. You are a gentleman to give her your wish,” said Rarity.

Bill took the fashionista’s words to heart and looked at what he had been given. “These are kind of neat. A little small though.”

“Oh, are these the Trottingham ear-bleeder 5000s? They auto adjust, darling. Here, I’ll show you. Princess Luna would kill to have a set of these. These devices aren’t supposed to come out until this time next year.”

While Rarity and Bill played with the headset, Discord looked at Jeff expectantly. “One left.”

Jeff swallowed and looked down at the pretend Wonderbolt who in his eyes was the real deal through and through. “Derpy, I can get you just about anything you want.”

“Uh-huh. But I want what you want so we both can be happy.”

Foxworthy fidgeted and felt very hot under the collar all of a sudden. “Uh . . . are you sure.”

“Yep. Ask away my friend.”

“God forgive me,” Jeff whispered to himself. He glanced up at Discord. “Can I have two of something?”

Discord shrugged. “That would depend on what it is. What’d you have in mind?”

Jeff tried to rack his brain for anything else, but he couldn’t, and besides he really wanted it, and it was Nightmare Night. He realized that his dawdling had gained the attention of everyone. Even Rarity and Bill had set aside the cool headphones to hear what he might get.

“I want the arms of Stonewall Jackson, preserved in glass jars,” Jeff said finally. “Derpy gets the right arm, while I’ll take the left.”

No one spoke. Dead silence followed for several long seconds while everyone digested the latest wish request.

Discord recovered first and slowly clapped his hands. “I was wondering if someone would have the man-balloons to actually ask for something . . . exotic. You, my good sir, get a snap from my tail because I respect you that much.” A hand grew out of the chimera’s tail and snapped its digits.

Jeff heard the sound of two large glass jars being placed before him on the ground. He looked down and sure enough there were two human arms preserved in a greenish fluid.

Rainbow Dash landed next to one of the jars. “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh. Are those real?”

Discord nodded. “Yep, fully functional human arms cloned from the flesh of a dead Confederate General.”

“Wait, they’re copies?” asked Pinkie Pie.

“Well, yes. What? Did you think I’d take the real McCoys. Even I have my limits, Pinkie Pie. And look, the fluid is glow-in-the-dark, so they make excellent lamps.”

Jeff wrung his hands and looked from the intense face of Derpy, to the glass jars containing their grisly appendages, back to Derpy. “So, uh, what do you think?”

Apple Jack laughed nervously and tried to break the tension. “I really like the jars.” She said slowly.

The grey pegasus continued to stare at the suspended arms intently, examining them from every angle.

Taking his hat off his head, Jeff mopped the nervous sweat cascading off his brow. At last he gathered the nerve to speak. “Derpy, I’m sorry. I know this is kind of weird and . . .”

“It’s perfect.”

“What?” asked Jeff, not believing his ears.

“I’ve always wanted a freaky lamp for Nightmare Night, but I’ve never had the bits to spend on one this detailed. I mean you can see the hair on the arm, the blood, the bone, everything. And now I got one that’s part of a set with my best whoman friend. I can’t ask for a better Nightmare Night then this one.”

Foxworthy sagged in relief, like a thousand pound weight had been taken off his heart. “I am so glad to hear you say that.”

Discord scratched the back of his head and took in the scene before him of the Confederate and Wonderbolt admiring the severed arms of a long dead rebel. “I have so many questions, but most of them can wait. However, I must ask, would you three humans recommend my maze to Fluttershy and her friends?”

The rednecks did not reply immediately. They thought for a moment about how to answer until Larry finally said, “Oh, Hell, it’s Nightmare Night. Go for it girls, you’ll never forget it.”

Jeff and Bill nodded their agreement.

“And if you see Danny in there, tell him Jeff has more juice and soda for him,” Foxworthy said happily.

Comments

[Discord The Narrator]

The summary looks good... so I'll read the story.

[Emerald Harp]

9843211
I hope you like it.