For Fluttershy, school has always been tough. During flight school, she was a target for the bullies. Sometimes, she would get it real bad, and couldn't do anything but cry. But, luckily for her, she always had her best friend there for her.
Now in High-School, Fluttershy is now officially dating Rainbow Dash (after having finally gotten the bravery to do so). The only other people who know about their relationship is their friends. Rainbow Dash understands how hard it'll be for Shy if everyone finds out their 'secret'. Things may be harder for Fluttershy than Dash realizes though, especially when a stallion begins to develop feelings for the shy mare. But, she's unsure of how to break the news to him. If everyone finds out, the two of them, especially Shy, may never have the guts to face anyone ever again.....
Loosely based on the events of Ponies In Love (up to when they get together in Chapter 13 - any chapters beyond this are not canon to this story) - http://www.fimfiction.net/story/118913/ponies-in-love - By The_Queen_Baby. It's recommended that you read this first.
(Teen rating for mild language, some suggestive thoughts and one scene of violence with very minor blood, cuts & bruises)
Hey, just wanted to point out that this should probably be tagged alternate universe... At least I'm guessing, since RD and FS don't have a romantic relationship in the show and this would obviously take place before the show, being based in high school after all.
Anyways, this looks interesting, I'll let you know my thoughts once I read it.
7552032 Ok man, that makes sense. Seeing as they aren't together in the show (or in high school), using the Alternate Universe tag will be a good idea.
Hope you enjoy reading it though. I've really put a lot of thought into doing this for a while now, so I hope you like it.
It's been a decent read so far asides from some errors in the first chapter. I must admit that stories like this always confuse me at first until I begin to understand the world the writer is creating. So far:
1. Ponies wear clothing alot more in this world.
2. Flutters and Rainbow live in Ponyville, have their own houses, but, are still in High School. Or are just starting High School.
3. I don't think they have met Twilight or any of the others yet past Rarity, but Dash has Tank as her pet regardless.
Things I need to wait for another chapter to fully confirm are, or that I missed are:
1. Does Dash and Flutters know the others beyond Rarity?
2. What happened that caused Flutters to move out of her house before finishing school?
3. Did Flutters and Dash go to this school last year? It kind of sounds like they didn't. But then, why did they move to an entire different school district? I assume it had something to do with FS's depression.
4. Are any of the other mane six involved? Character tags and location makes it seem unlikely, but this is 'alternative universe'.
I look forward to seeing some of these answered.
7597254 Hi man, I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far.
A bit confused huh? Well, here's what you need to know:
1. Ponies within the school wear clothing much more. As in, because it's a school, there are uniform policies. Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, other students, teachers, etc... can't just enter in while 'going commando' (in the nude). Essentially, ponies don't have to wear clothing elsewhere, but it's required in school. A bit weird, but that's how I've done it.
2. Rainbow Dash actually lives in her Cloudsdale home (like in the series), but Fluttershy does still live in Ponyville. However, later within the story, Fluttershy will re-move in with her parents (who live in Ponyville, Chapter 2 explains what happened to their Cloudsdale home), but Rainbow Dash will also move in with Fluttershy... I'm not gonna spoil anything yet, but let's just say that something happens later (around the mid-point of) in the story.
3. This story (if you haven't noticed in its long description) loosely continues a year after the events of Ponies In Love (by the Queen Baby), but only up to Chapter 13 - anything after said chapter number in said story has not happened, but the events before the end of said chapter have happened in the past. Basically, Rainbow & Shy have actually met Twi and the others.
For your questions, Chapter 3 will be sometime this week. But, here's what I will say:
1. As mentioned before, Twilight and the others ARE in this story (it's just Rarity has been the only one mentioned yet).
2. Personal issues. Read (I think it's Chapters 5-7 of) Ponies In Love - Shy has suffered from serious and I mean SERIOUS depression. Hell, she's had suicidal thoughts, and has now even attempted to kill herself (by mutilating her wings - [Cleveland voice] That's nasty). Luckily, Shy doesn't think like that now, but she is still somewhat emotionally unstable. So she has check-ups every now and then from her psychiatrist.
3. Due to how bad Fluttershy's emotional state has been the last year, neither Dash or Shy have been to school. As you have rightly said, it's to do with Fluttershy's depression.
4. Third time me saying (but I'm not annoyed or anything) - Twilight, Rarity, Applejack & Pinkie (+ Sunset Shimmer) will be in the story. The only reason their character tags are not included yet is because they haven't been introduced yet... I'd rather add the tags for them in once they actually appear.
...Also, one last thing - did you give me a thumbs down by any chance? I mean, I've left a lot of things unexplained so far (I get that). But, these things will be answered in Chapters 3 and 4.
I hope I've explained everything well enough. Please do stay tuned for this story though - this is my first time writing a story here (so give me some slack).
See ya!
7599580
It's fine to me, though it now makes me wonder if it's every school or just some. Or all institutions, does Cheerilee's class all have a dress code, you know, alot of background fluff that probably won't apply to this story. I'm a bit of a sucker for world creation and what each change might mean.
Fair enough, again, just Alternate Universe stuff.
I will have to give it a look then, I just saw a FlutterxDash fic and no 'sequel to' or anything like that and started reading.
As for the the rest of your points, it sounds like I will need to read through Ponies in Love to understand exactly what's going on. Sorry, I was not aware just how much required reading I needed and just dove into reading this.
And I have neither upvoted or downvoted. I did not upvote due to my own confusion and waiting to see how/if this would make more sense down the line. And I did not downvote since, aside from a few errors and me being confused at times on how much is off *again, due to me not reading what this is based on*, there was nothing really damning to the story to deserve that.
Fluttershy, as far as I can see, acts a lot more fragile than usual, more so than even season one. It makes sense, just hope for it not to become irritating down the line. A story with her cowering over everything in her life is unappealing, though I did love her going off into her own world when thinking of Dash. Kinda scary to for her to be able to easily slip in and out of reality like that *or, at least, to completely shut down her surroundings*. I have a feeling that will cause her some trouble down the line.
Dash isn't bad, just a lot less brash than her normal. More patient. Nothing wrong with that, especially given what I have gleaned about the pair so far.
As for errors, I mainly noticed the ones in chapter 1. MInd you, it's your story, so feel free to keep it as is if that is what you prefer.
that had came out? I can't completely put my finger on why, but it sounds wrong when I say it out loud.
perhaps 'that had come out of Dash's mouth at that moment.'?
'Fluttershy couldn't believe it. Did Dash really just say those words to her?' as another alternative.
'had now been dating' again, sounds odd.
'Ever since then, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were inseparable.'
'Ever since that first kiss, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash were marefriends.'
'After that first kiss, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash started dating.'
Really not a big deal, and more a style decision, but normally you say 'hoof' for 'hand', much like saying 'marefriend' as opposed to 'girlfriend'.
you already have the 'Beep Beep Beep', better to use something like bellowed for the next part.
*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!* The alarm clock bellowed out in the bedroom.
As you progress as a writer, you'll want to avoid using the same word multiple times in a short span. Using 'eyes' four times in two sentences is an example of that.
Fluttershy slowly tried to open her eyes, but there was so much sleep holding her eyelids down, that they simply refused to open. She blinked in vain a few times, before tiredly wiping at them with her hooves.
She stared at the ceiling for a moment, imagining that her special pony was standing over her.
She stared at the ceiling for a moment, imagining that her special pony stood over her.
Of course, Shy had come up with her own nick-name for the future-Wonderbolt - Dashie.
came is present tense, come is past tense. Well, in most cases.
If there was anything you could say about Fluttershy, other than how she was timid and easily embarrassed, it was that she was extremely tidy. A Pegasus who cleaned at all was a rare find, let alone one like Fluttershy.
when she wasn't sleeping in it.
Soon, the rainbow-maned Pegasus burst into laughter.
Honestly not sure if I should poke at how she is speaking. Mainly since you do not need to speak correctly, else Applejack would be impossible. Perhaps she changed, but I just have a hard time seeing Flutters saying "You got your friends to help" as opposed to "You have your friends to help", she always seems more articulate than Dash, and I see Dash saying stuff like that.
Dash: "C'mon, Dash! You got this!"
Flutters: "It's okay, Fluttershy. You can do this!"
And, well, there is ALOT more on sentence structure and other bits I could get into, but I think this is enough for now. This comment is...long...way too long...
7600279 Ok, I've read through your 'essay' of my story, and I must admit - I do actually agree with a lot of it. But, before I say anything else, I'm just gonna make this completely, 120% clear:
You only need to read up to the end of Chapter 13 of Ponies In Love to fully understand the story. Chapter 14 onwards is completely irrelevant, as the events from said chapter number do not happen in this story. So, only read up to the end of Chapter 13.
Also, thanks for telling me about the upvote/downvote thing. I wonder who it was.....
Alright, now for the rest of the stuff:
That's good, I'll use that if you don't mind. Much better than my current sentence:
Yeah, I agree. That sounds odd.
That's far better than what I've already put. So, I'll use this I think. Again, if you don't mind.
Once more, far better than what's already been put.
This is only because of the fact that she's scared to go back to school. In Chapter 7, (ok, so we aren't actually told what the characters actually say, but) Fluttershy talks to her psychiatrist that she was bullied and shunned by others during Flight School/Flight Camp (never really been sure what it is). Also, as Dash says (in either Chapter 6 or 7, I can't remember), Fluttershy is her only friend. We can only assume that it was the same for Shy.
But, what I will say is that around halfway through Chapter 3, Fluttershy will begin to be much calmer and relaxed. She'll remain this way for the next few chapters that follow after it (until our sudden event where something happens... which I won't spoil - because I hate spoilers).
I absolutely loved writing that part. It was so funny for me to read as I thought up of where it goes. Also, is it just me, or does Dash seem to be very easily 'turned on' by Shy's own little world of dreams? Take the train scene in Chapter 2:
Shortened that up a bit (wasn't gonna post the whole thing).
Was this a bit too much btw? Also:
Wow, this really is a different Rainbow Dash to what we usually see. Then again, Dash does think that Fluttershy is the most beautiful pony she's ever seen (can't argue with that)...
Rainbow Dash genuinely cares about Fluttershy. Even if we don't always see it, she really does. Plus, as each chapter passes (in Ponies In Love), we begin to see how her feelings for Fluttershy are starting to, err.... change her personality?
Anyway, we'll see more of our normal 'brash, cocky and arrogant' Dash within the next few chapters (from around half-way through Chapter 3), seeing as Fluttershy begins to 'chillax' (chill and relax) more.
However, in the chapter where something tragic happens (ok, I will say this - something happens to Fluttershy), Dash won't just be like her usual self - her personality will become much more nastier, angrier (and a certain P word). I don't mean she'll be trying to kill everyone or anything, but when something happens to the pony she cares about the most - someone's going to pay. Especially seeing as how upset she got when she realized how hurt Fluttershy was (after she mutilated her wings, because of some things that Dash said to her when she was kicked out of the Wonderbolts for something stupid).
Finally, one more thing:
Again, this sounds much better.
==========
So yeah, I really appreciate all the feedback you've given me. Thanks a lot, I'll certainly use it. Don't be afraid to point out anything else if you wish - I'm really willing to make this story as good as it can be (since it's my very first story on Fimfiction + my first romance & Flutterdash fanfic).
Until next time, see ya!
Ok, so some edits have been done to Chapter 1 now. There are still a few things that need tweaking, but it's better than it was.
Is this story dead ?
10850034
Hi, thanks for checking out this story.
....Uh, if I'm perfectly honest, this story has been left abandoned for a long time - mostly because I've had a busy life the last couple of years, and also because I have lost some interest in this franchise and shipping.
HOWEVER, this story may not be "dead" for much longer. I'm seriously considering writing again, and if you'd like me to continue this story, then I will certainly consider it.
Thanks again for checking this story out!
11218263
Yes I would definetely like to see it continued, but you know if you don't feel like doing it I don't want you to force it.