We all know the story: two people are dating, they go to a party one night, one of them drinks a little bit too much, and they end up doing something extremely embarrassing.
It's no different for Rainbow Dash. For over a year now, her and Fluttershy have been dating. Rainbow's relationship with the yellow pony has been the greatest relationship she's ever had. Sure, it hasn't always been easy, they've had their ups and downs: times where things have been perfect, while there's been other times where things have been difficult. But, never-the-less, the two of them have never regretted being together. That is, until one day...
At one of Pinkie's recent parties, Rainbow Dash drunk more apple cider than she could handle. Then, before she even knew it, she was kissing Fluttershy, in front of EVERYONE - Pinkie, Rarity, Twilight, Applejack, Mr & Mrs Cake and their two foals, and even Shy's and Dash's own parents. Now, Rainbow Dash is beginning to have regrets: the type of regrets where there is something that you wish that you'd never done it, or if your mind feels that depressed, even regrets about being born.
Fluttershy doesn't want Rainbow Dash to be sad, she doesn't like seeing her upset. Especially as upset and embarrassed as she feels right now. Rainbow Dash helped her when she was having hard times, now it's time for Fluttershy to help her special pony during her own time of panic and worry...
Takes place in the same universe as Fluttershy's Secret. It's recommended you read this first for the story to make complete sense.
My entry for the third FlutterDash group contest.
(Rated T to be safe, as there is some passionate kissing/slightly suggestive thoughts included)
I can't really say that I liked this story. It had a lot of problems with the way the characters are perceived and the way the story was told. (Not to mention a few things I hate that most of the fandom does.)
What are those problems? Well, that's what you're not explaining. Rainbow Dash continues to talk about the doubts that she has in her mind, but neither she nor the story is ever giving an example of why... Is it something canon like, 'she feels guilty for accidentally knocking Fluttershy down the day she defended her back as fillies?' Or is it something non-canon that happened off screen like, 'Rainbow wanted to surprise Fluttershy with a surprise gift one day, but Fluttershy didn't like it?' These are just examples, but the story needs to explain something along those lines, rather than just them saying they feel guilty for all the wrong they've done in the past.
It's really hard to believe that Rainbow Dash or Fluttershy would have suicide thoughts this deep when this isn't the first time something unbearably embarrassing was revealed to them, to all of Ponyville no less, rather than just in front of their friends. And yes, their parents were there too, but the story never explained how they'd feel about it. They're just kinda, there.
Anyway, besides the way the story is told, there are a few things that I personally hate that happens in the story.
It's really sad when people think like this with characters like Rainbow Dash. Without the Elements of Harmony, she has saved the lives of the Mane Six members and citizens more times than any of the other Mane Six have throughout the show. And I Hate how the fandom tends to perceive lives being saved as very unimportant.
In my eyes, Rainbow Dash was playing quite fairly in those sports in comparison. Of course, no one would think it that way, but I'm pretty sure Rainbow Dash would.
And although this shouldn't impact your story at all, there's something I wanna point out about your Author's Note.
That spa doesn't belong to Rarity. It belongs to the Spa Twins, Lotus Blossom and Aloe.
Hopefully this doesn't discourage you from writing more stories. I'm hoping this can be used to help you improve your stories in the future. I can't give the best advice for how your stories can improve.
7624244 Ok, I'm gonna admit - I do agree with a lot of the things you say. But, as I said in the group, it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be, but I was kinda rushing towards the end (and I also lost half of it through working on it). I'm not angry in any way but I'm still pretty upset and hurt in some ways...
Well, from what I read once, she doesn't play fairly. If she does play fairly, then she does. That's my mistake. But if not, then she doesn't.
I thought Rarity owned it, ok? Guess I was wrong, my bad. But, seeing as it is my own story, I can alter things slightly.
Ok, this is where I'm somewhat annoyed here. I know it's my own fault for not saying otherwise (I will alter the long description soon), but... there is a VERY good reason for why Fluttershy & Rainbow Dash have had suicide thoughts. ...This story takes place in the same universe as my first story, Fluttershy's Secret (although the events in this are un-canon to this story or any sequels after Fluttershy's Secret). Said story is also loosely (and I mean loosely) based on the events of this story, Ponies In Love (a story which The_Queen_Baby never finished). The whole 'Ponies In Love' thing is mentioned in the description of Fluttershy's Secret.
In this story's universe (don't know if this is actually canon to Fluttershy's past in the show or not, but), Fluttershy suffered very badly from bullying. Told she was worthless, a failure, given a whole load of other verbal abuse, along with a bit of physical abuse too. Luckily, Rainbow Dash was there to protect her through those times. ...Anyhoo, after being kicked out of the Wonderbolts for doing something stupid, Rainbow Dash is completely furious, and noticing how Fluttershy is happily walking below her, she decides to take her anger out on here - including calling her a 'pathetic excuse for a Pegasus'. Fluttershy runs off home crying her eyes out, then as she gets inside, the thoughts start appearing. She first thinks of going into the Everfree Forest, and killing herself with a kitchen knife. But, she decides that it's better to rip out all of the feathers of her wings, to try and get rid of them so that can be a normal Earth Pony instead.
Rainbow Dash, now out of her mind of rage, realizes what she's done, but it's already too late as there is already blood dripping all over the floor and on Shy's sofa. The poor pony is extremely weak from the pain she put herself through, and that's when Rainbow Dash promises to always make it up for her (always be there for her, to help her, basically just be a true best friend). That's where Dash begins to realize that she holds deep feelings for Shy, romantic feelings...
Anyway, my version of Rainbow Dash in the Fluttershy's Secret timeline still continues to hold a grudge against herself for that day. She still thinks about it, and it still hurts her. The fact that she essentially became one of those mean bullies, and told her only friend in Flight Camp that she was a 'pathetic excuse...', it's hard for her to get over it. I know I didn't exactly describe that within the story, but I can always make adjustments to it anyway. In fact, I already added hints about Fluttershy's 'self-harming' incident. Read through (I think around half-way of Chapter 2 of this story). Basically, Rainbow Dash is unable to forgive herself for what she did, and it's also making her think about the few other, much more minor things, that she has done to other ponies (these don't need to be described though, since this isn't what is hurting Dash the most).
Rainbow Dash is fully aware of all the times she's saved the rest of the Mane Six, including Fluttershy, along with the rest of the civilization. I'm fully aware of that. It's just, when you're really depressed, none of those things matter. All that you think about is warped thoughts of what you actually are (I assume so). Also, kissing in front of their parents and friends actually had nothing to do with Rainbow Dash wanting to kill herself, it's just she feels slightly awkward by it. Mainly because her parents were watching. Which as far as things go in this universe, her parents don't know about her relationship yet (over a year and she hasn't told them!?).
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Anyway, I'm not discouraged from writing more stories. Believe me, I agree with you when I say that I have certainly made a lot of silly mistakes here. Like I said, it's not exactly my best piece of writing (I'm capable of more than this), but I do hope to improve within the continuation of Fluttershy's Secret, along with any other stories after. Finally...
Not quite sure if you're saying that you just simply aren't that great at giving feedback, or if you're openly saying that my story sucks. If it's the latter, it's probably easy to say that I will be very hurt (and possibly angry even) at this.
7624615 I should probably get the elephant out of the room first.
It's the former, not the latter. Throughout this season, (and most likely earlier) I have learned that the things I like and hate more often than not are the opposite of what most people like/dislike. So when I say I can't give the best advice, I'm saying that my advice would probably ruin your future stories. Like this part:
This was just part of my personal hate towards the story and not something that I can say makes your story bad. (A shipping story can be done very well, but because of the pairing, one would hate it.) And yes, this:
-was part of my thought process. So don't take those things too personally, it's just my own personal opinions on those matters and I can't say it means your story is bad.
With that out of the way:
Like I said, it was in your Author's Note so it shouldn't affect your story. I just wanted to let you know just in case you made that mistake when and if you were telling it in your stories.
___
As for your explanation for why they had those suicidal thoughts, you provided a pretty good explanation on why they would think that way. I think your story could really improve if you expressed that in your story. Since there was no mention of this story being a sequel, or in a similar universe of another story, I had no way of knowing, and as such, had no way of understanding their pain.
But don't mind me. In the end, I think the most important thing about writing a story is to have fun with it. So I say, continue writing stories. Whether they're good, or bad, (unless attacking bad) as long as it's still fun, I encourage anyone to continue writing.
P.S. Sorry if my thoughts have upset you in any way. I don't mean to do that.
7624679 Ok, ok. Don't worry, I know what you were trying to say now. I'm no longer upset.
Like I said, I thought that Rainbow Dash cheated at sports. I'm sorry if this is incorrect.
As for the sequel stuff and the suicidal thoughts in the story: I'm gonna do this stuff now. As in, I'll say about it takes place in the same universe as Fluttershy's Secret and explain about Rainbow's thoughts more now.
EDIT: I've had thoughts of doing a sequel to this story. I'm not sure what the plot of it should be though. Do you have any suggestions, taking in all the facts that Rainbow Dash has, for the very first time, finally been broken by her mind into somewhat depression..?
I've now added some extra stuff to Chapter 2. Text in red is what was there before, text in blue is new stuff:
Everything after that last paragraph remains the same. I'm gonna ask: have I put enough about why Rainbow Dash is so scarred by Fluttershy mutilating herself that she thinks of suicide herself? Of course, I can some more if needed.
I reviewed this story as part of Read It Now #95.
My review can be found here.
7680418 Thanks for taking the time to review my story.
Sorry to hear that you didn't enjoy it. I'm not really that hurt, if I'm honest. I know it sucks. But, I did end up rushing it, and how I portrayed Dash perhaps just wasn't realistic.
If needed, I can always make changes to this story. You'll have to help me with it though - give me ideas on what specifically needs improvement. I have no problem with that.