Booping Ms. Harshwhinny
“Please come to Carousel Boutique at 1pm for an important matter.”
Signed,
Rarity
What could she possibly want with me? Oh, I bet I know what she wants. She wants me to boop her, and then a bunch of crazy shenanigans will happen. Unless she’s not all that stressed out, then nothing of note will happen. I doubt the latter will turn out to be true; she makes dresses and outfits. Surely, the life of a fashionista is a stressful one. Then again, I always thought a nurse’s life would be a stressful one, but Nurse Redheart managed to defy all odds.
Still, this could be a fruitful visit. I can ask Rarity if she would like to make me some clothes. I packed a few clothes for my inter-dimensional visit, as we didn’t know how long we were going to stay in wherever we were going to end up. Wearing the same five outfits every week, with a trip to the washing machine every Saturday was getting a bit repetitive. I suppose it’s something I can live with, if Rarity says no. Either that, or I’ll take up sewing and make my own clothes.
It should be simple enough. Insert house explosion here.
It get to Carousel Boutique, and I take a moment to gander at its architecture. It really does look like a Carousel, only it’s home to a pony, and not a ride for foals and adults. It’ll be interesting to see what is on the inside, though I’m going to have to assume that I won’t be seeing metal poles through various seats that look like animals.
Opening the door, I can already see Rarity, who has turned to me with a smile. Facing her, is a pony I’ve never seen before. Brilliant orange coat, short blonde mane, blue eyes, and a mark on her flank that looks like a trophy. Covering her torso is a dark purple jacket that looks made for high class businessmen or women, a light purple scarf around her neck, and some nice looking earrings on her…ears…naturally.
This businesspony turns to me with a cocked eyebrow, and her eyes scanning me up and down, as if I’m already being judged harshly on my appearance alone. I can tell that this pony must be fun at parties.
“Ah, darling, you made it!” Rarity glances over at the clock “And right on time, too! Very punctual. Darling, there’s somepony I would like you to meet.” Rarity raises a foreleg to the still not happy looking pony that’s staring at me. “This is Ms. Harshwhinny.”
“How do you do?” Ms. Harshwhinny says in a prim and proper snooty tone of voice.
Wait a minute…the word “HARSH” is actually in her name? Huh, that harsh crack I made just a few seconds ago is sounding a little ironic now.
“I’m good.” I respond “How are you?”
“As well as can be expected.” Ms. Harshwhinny turns her nose up “Rarity says that you have a…particular talent; one that has interested me. Mind you, I do not think that it will be anything of note, but I cannot deny my curiosity.”
Oh. I’m not going to boop Rarity. Instead, I’m booping this extremely snooty Ms. Harshwhinny instead. Judging by her stature, her poise and her attitude, I can tell that someone such as her must be extremely stressed out on most days, if not every hour of every day. She looks like someone who wants perfection and professionalism to all that surround her, and those who don’t bring it, will be subjected to her no doubt great vengeance and furious anger.
Hmmm…that reminds me…I wonder if there’s a version of Pulp Fiction in Equestria with ponies. That would be pretty cool. Imagine all the cute ponies running around talking about five bit milkshakes and gunning down one another at the pop of the pop-tart.
“Sir!”
Oh, Ms. Harshwhinny is talking to me. I snap out of my thoughts quickly.
“Ma’am.” My voice trembles.
“Huh, you are a polite one. I did not expect that. This may not be as bad as I imagined it would be.” Ms. Harshwhinny approaches me slowly. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I am a pony who demands perfection and professionalism from all that I can see. If somepony is out of line, or does not perform the duties I ask of him or her, I can be quite…aggravated.” She says that last word with such seething hatred, that I cannot imagine what happened to make her say it like that.
“Naturally, I’ve had days where such professionalism has been unfulfilled, and I have spent many a week yelling at those who have angered me. My doctor says that I need to lower my stress levels, lest that I suffer from what she calls a serious emotional breakdown. Rarity here was listening to my troubles during a spa visit the other day, and she said that you may be able to help me out.”
Holy lord! Did I call it or what? High five…me! I knew it! The second Ms. Harshwhinny told me to boop her, I could tell what the problem was. If I wanted to, I could dance in victory! But…I better not. I don’t want to seem rude, and I doubt she would appreciate such behavior.
“I’m sorry for springing this up on you, darling, but can you do…you know…that thing you do?” asks Rarity. Now there’s a pony who is polite. While she strikes me as someone who wishes to be considered high class, the fact that she is still living in Ponyville, and has a lot of friends, tells me that she never thinks less of those who aren’t living it up in Canterlot.
“Yeah…I’ll give it a shot.” I say “Is there a particular place you want to do this?”
“We can do this here.” Ms. Harshwhinny nods “There’s no need to go to your house, is there? You don’t have indecent intentions, do you?”
“No, no, no…” I shake my head “I was just asking.”
I’m glad she doesn’t want to do this at my house. If my theory is right, and her stress levels are off the charts, I don’t want my house to be destroyed in an explosion of obsessive lust. Maud Pie was bad enough; she broke a door to try and get to me. Ms. Harshwhinny looks like a one million megaton nuclear bomb by comparison.
“Good.” Ms. Harshwhinny nods, pointing to a nearby chair. “Now, if you please.”
I go to the chair and sit down, facing Ms. Harshwhinny. She looks at me with impatience. She wants me to boop her right now. Come on, lady, I need to prepare myself for it. Her left foreleg taps on the floor rapidly, and she gives me a pouty expression. Okay, that’s kind of cute.
“I’m waiting.” she says rudely. And the cuteness is gone.
“Look, I can’t just throw caution to the wind and boop you. There’s a formula to this.”
“What kind of formula is there to booping? That sounds preposterous.”
“Do you want to have less stress or not?” Now I’m the one getting impatient with her.
Ms. Harshwhinny looks at me with a gasp. I must have offended her, somehow. There probably aren’t many ponies out there that talk back to her. I must be one of the first to do so. If not that…well…I’m definitely the first HUMAN to do so. Oh, wait…I’m the ONLY human.
“Fine.” she composes herself and scoffs “What do you need me to do?”
“I need you to look at me, and stay still.”
Ms. Harshwhinny looks me up and down again, and then rolls her eyes. As if reluctantly, she sits down and arches herself in a professional poise.
“There. Satisfied?” she asks “Now, what do you want?”
“Remain…” I raise my finger up “…quiet.”
Boop.
My finger presses softly against her nose. She looks at it the same way other like Princess Twilight and Princess Luna have looked at it; with crossed eyes. Except, Ms. Harshwhinny’s look of displeasure is still present. A “Harumph” leaves her. She’s unimpressed.
“Is that all?” she wonders.
“Give it time.” I respond.
I boop her more times. Each boop on the nose gets another scoff and a harumph. She appears to be unimpressed all around. I’m unsurprised, and yet I feel a little bad for her. I kind of expected her to be as nonplussed as she was when she first saw me, but I also feel bad that whatever stress she is feeling isn’t going away.
She hasn’t told me to stop, yet. Maybe I’m getting through to her a little bit. I’m passing the thirty boop mark, and she remains as snooty as ever, but she’s still not stopping me. I figured that she would have lost patience by the tenth boop. There is the possibility that her curiosity hasn’t been sated yet, and she wants me to reach the minimum amount of fifty, before deciding that my booping just isn’t for her.
As I hit boop number fifty…
“That’s enough.” she slaps my hand away after the fiftieth boop. “There’s no more need for booping.” Ms. Harshwhinny stands, brushes her hair back, and turns to face Rarity. “Is this some kind of joke?”
“Excuse me?” Rarity asks with worry.
“I asked for somepony who can alleviate my stress! Not this…” Ms Harshwhinny looks at me again, scanning me up and down with her eyes once more. Stop that! It’s freaking me out! “…this not awful looking creature who presses muzzles!” Did…did she just kind-of-sort-of-maybe complement me? “Do I look alleviated to you?”
“Umm…to be honest, dear, it’s sort of hard to tell with you.” Rarity admits.
“I am NOT alleviated!” Ms. Harshwhinny yells “In fact, I am even MORE stressed, because my precious time has been wasted on these nonsensical shenanigans!” Ms. Harshwhinny then quickly turns to me, shooting daggers into my soul with her eyes. “And you!”
“I’m sorry…” I say meekly. She’s scaring me. "I was only trying to help."
“You…oaf! You…brute!” Ms. Harshwhinny shakes her head around, mussing up that nicely combed mane. She looks crazed like this. “You are a pitiful excuse for help!” She wraps a hoof around her scarf, quickly removing it and throwing it on the floor. Is she going to beat me up? “You have absolutely no idea what it means to help ponies relax!” Her hoof then unbuttons her jacket. “You think that just because you have pleased royalty, that you would be able to please me?!” She removes her jacket and slowly approaches me.
Umm…what’s happening? I’m really confused, here.
“I’ll have you know, that I am most certainly not pleased!” she unbuttons her dress shirt “I am not pleased in the slightest!” she takes off her shirt. “You are, without a doubt, the most useless…” she climbs up the chair “…most idiotic…” she’s on my lap “…waste of life I have EVER met!”
She’s straddling me. Her back legs are wrapped around my waist.
“Ms. Harsh…”
Ms. Harshwhinny opens her mouth and shoves her tongue into mine as I’m trying to talk.
Oh my god.
She’s making out with me. Ms. Harshwhinny…is…making out with me! A pony is making out with me! Why is a pony making out with me?! Why is MS. HARSHWHINNY making out with me?! I don’t get it! My brain cannot comprehend it! My own brain! That’s a big deal! The same brain that had the brief idea to let Maud Pie do what she wanted to me! The same brain that controlled my mouth to tell Nurse Redheart about Queen Chrysalis! That brain!
Back on the topic at hand…
WHY IS MS. HARSHWHINNY MAKING OUT WITH ME?!
She just told me how awful the booping was! Why is she doing this?! Was that just for show?! Did she really like it, but didn’t want to admit it?! That’s the only logical explanation I can think of! It makes sense, really. She’s a proud and snooty pony. She wouldn’t want to admit such a simple action as booping could make her calm down.
Wait…this is calm? This is exactly what Maud Pie wanted to do to me a couple days ago! I wasn’t ready for this! I didn’t ask for this! WHY would I ask for this?!
More importantly…WHY IS MS. HARSHWHINNY MAKING OUT WITH ME?!
I can’t move. My hands are in a frozen state. I can’t push her off, I can’t stand up. Rarity is watching the scene with shock and terror; she can’t do anything to help. Ms. Harshwhinny’s tongue is slithering around my mouth, combining our saliva together. For such a prim and proper pony, she sure doesn’t kiss like one.
Her hooves are underneath my shirt, feeling my chest. Moans of pleasure are leaving her mouth every time she slightly separates from me.
If I don’t do something right here, right now, something really bad might happen.
Suddenly, Ms. Harshwhinny separates herself from me and SLAPS me across the face with her hoof! Ow. That hurts a hell of a lot more than a human hand.
“You perverted brute!” she scoffs “How dare you?”
Uh, how dare I? I’m not the one who got naked and straddled you, lady! Hey, come to think of it…most of the ponies I’ve seen around town don’t wear clothes, but Ms. Harshwhinny does. That, and Rarity makes clothes.
Is Ponyville a nudist colony?
Gah! I really need to stop derailing myself! I haven’t even said a word to Ms. Harshwhinny after…what just happened.
“You think you can just make out with me, and all will be forgiven?!” She moves to my left ear, and nibbles on it. Oh, Jesus Christ. “Thank you…” she whispers.
Ms. Harshwhinny hops off of me and gathers her clothes.
“This was a complete waste of my time and my life!” Ms. Harshwhinny looks at Rarity “Good day to you!” She walks out of Carousel Boutique, and slams the door shut.
I…I have no words. No words for what just happened. I didn’t think this WOULD happen. Did I WANT it to happen? No. No I did not. Again, I have found myself getting assaulted by a mare, and she just walked out the door, getting away with it, scot free. I mean, I know that booping would cause a reaction. My entire thesis has now become seeing if the level of stress would affect the reaction of the subject. Ms. Harshwhinny was extremely stressed. Stressed enough that when I booped her, she took her clothes off and made out with me.
On that level, I guess this was a massive success. One that I have to write about…once I get movement again in my arms to reach my notebook and pen.
“Darling?” Rarity slowly approaches me “Are you okay?”
“Ummm…I’ll get back to you on that.” I replay with a strained voice. “Rarity?”
“Yes?”
“I was wondering…can you make some clothes for me? Like shirts and pants?”
“Of course, darling. Anything you want. Uh…let me take some measurements while you’re there.”
Rarity uses her magic to float a roll of measuring tape to me. It wraps around my chest, then my waist, and then measures the length of my legs. As this is happening, Rarity writes the measurements down in her own notebook. She nods when she is complete.
“There we go. All set. You should be getting clothes within the next couple of days. Any particular preference to color?”
“Whatever you think is best.”
“Excellent. Oh, and darling?”
“Yes?”
“It probably isn’t a good idea for me to ask you to do the same courtesy to me that you did to Ms. Harshwhinny, isn’t it?”
“No. It’s not a good idea. Maybe later. Wait…” I remember “Spike said that if I booped you, he would burn my house down.”
“I never!” Rarity gasps “Why in Equestria would he do such a thing?!”
I can’t find the strength in me to shrug, so I do nothing. A familiar scent hits my nose. It smells…fruity. It’s coming from my lips. I carefully lick my lips, and discover that Ms. Harshwhinny wears flavored lipstick.
“Hey, Rarity? Did you know that Ms. Harshwhinny wears strawberry flavored lipstick?”
“Why would I know that?”
“Oh…right.”
After ten minutes of staying perfectly still, I manage to get the movement back in my arms and legs. I say my goodbyes to Rarity, and head on out of Carousel Boutique. Well, this was a rather strange day. My week has been strange, overall. Once booping was discovered by Princess Twilight, it’s been one crazy situation after the other, and I barely have time to do my research, much less recover from the days before.
Wasn’t Queen Chrysalis supposed to be here today? Usually, she arrives in the afternoon for our regularly scheduled booping, but as I approach my house, I don’t see her in disguise. I don’t see anypony there. Maybe she’s busy. It’s understandable, since she’s a queen and all, and I can only assume that being a queen is busy work. Maybe she’ll come by tomorrow to make up for lost time.
I make it to the front door. Finally. I can go inside and get some of my own relaxation. Maybe watch a film or just standard television programming. All I know is that…
The ground just shook. Was that an earthquake? Oh, now I feel breathing behind me. Deep breathing. Monstrous breathing. I really should just get inside and shut the door as fast as I can, but I know I won’t be fast enough. Whatever is behind me is going to catch me quickly.
I turn around to face the mystery guest.
It’s…it’s….a dragon. A big dragon.
“Uh….I…” is all I am getting out.
“Are you the human?” the dragon asks in a deep and threatening voice.
“Ummm….no.” I shake my head, lying my ass off. “The human is over there, behind those bushes.” The dragon looks over at the bushes. Now’s my chance. While he’s distracted, I’ll quickly get inside and lock the door. This dragon can’t be stronger than Maud Pie. “Yeah, just go over there and look…” The dragon grabs me with his giant hand. “ACK!” I say.
“The Dragon Lord wishes to see you!” He yells in my face “You have thirty seconds to comply!”
“Okay…” I wheeze.
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*Sees Title*
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"Can I get the number of whatever just hit me?"
a.k.a. Can we get another chapter with her? This is the best not-a-harem-i-swear fic I've ever read.
This can't be good.
This is so cute and irresistible. Keep on booping!
LMAO! Man I'm loving this way to much.I want more!!!!!!
-BFBL
YEEEEESSS! Tsundere Dragon Lord is next~~~
STOP GIVING US IDEAS!
I'm super glad I read this before work, because I can't seem to stop giggling like a moron. Great chapter!
Good lord I had no idea how much I wanted to read this until now.
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Daaaaayum, Ms. Harshwhinny is a freak!
Also:
7572090 but it can be FUN
7572270 True *pulls popcorn out of saddle bag* Should be entertaining.
The first thing I thought when seeing the chapter title:
Mr. The Human, please contain yourself and cease this frivolous muzzle-prodding forthwith.
Hah! I saw that coming.
... okay, I didn't.
This chapter was just made on my birthday today, and I love it!
7572276 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!
THIS CALLS FOR A PARTY
Oh shoot, there goes my ship.
This is going to be Ember, isn't it?
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This. Now.
...Why wouldn't she be a tsundere?
Plot twist, he's actually talking about Torch.
7572337
Nope. He definitely meant Dragon Lord Torch.
Torch, just sitting there in a crater, looking down at the tiny little human, yelling "BOOP ME!"
7572500 I SAID BOOP ME.
7572276 Happy Birthday!!!
Hahahah! Wow man... wow... honestly did not expect that, and I actually liked it...
Huh...
NIce job!
Hahahah! Wow man... wow... honestly did not expect that, and I actually liked it...
Huh...
NIce job!
Your day is about to get weirder, human.
what is chrysalis gonna do when she smells another mare all over him!?
7572045 My reaction at the end
And you will know my name is REDACTED when I lay my finger upon you.
Ember? And here I thought it only worked on pony-like species. I wonder if that's still true, and Ember will have no reaction at all.
7572594 Don't worry. After a couple of cold showers and serious scrubdowns, she won't notice a thing.
7572594
Hunt her down, stuff her into a pod, then mail that pod to the other side of the planet.
Hmmmm, it would be rather funny if one reaction to his booping is the subject giving a snot clearing sneeze in response after enough happens. Though we should expect that the tabloids had gotten a few pictures of Celestia and the One Human having a 'Private Passionate Date' near Ponyville, with a couple of them sitting together and her ontop of him. XD Only to add 'Changeling Queen finds scandal of her human mate claimed by the Holy Sun, will there be raised tensions between Changelings and Ponies?'
On a side note, it would be funny if Pinkie figuratively became a wet noodle from his booping. Meaning she lost all the strength in her body from how relaxed she became, maybe for several minutes? :P
7572640
i dont know how much i would trust that method when dealing with queen chrysalis.....
Well, that went places. And he better pray that his booping works on dragons.
Meanwhile, Chryssie is watching the events from a nearby bush.
This just keeps getting better.
*boop*
YES! EMBER IS NEXT! ! The author does care about me!! It's like the author knew what I wanted!
All this hilarity and random bs, but still no trixie
I half expected her to be immune
Harsh is gonna be a repeat customer isnt she? (Please say yes)
Is there going to be a booping Fluffle Puff?
I'm enjoying this story so much, can't wait for more!!
BY THE BLOOD BUCKING DEITIES, FREAKING TSUNDERES~! Also... NOW EMBER!? VWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT~!
7572820 "Gasp!" *Boop*
7573024
but..the threat of the counter-boop
the horror
7573024 Thllbpt.
7572337 I vote for Dragon Lord Torch.
7573240 media.giphy.com/media/PFwKHjOcIoVUc/giphy.gif
*boop*