Good day from all of my husky brethren at Alhuska. I'm a chipper and analytic dude who spends much of his time writing and building games. However, college and work are getting in the way, BIG time.
Could the balance of good and evil belong to a single pony? If so, would balance be maintained, or fail bitterly? Can we really trust anypony to wield such power?
Too late. Somepony already has this power, and the emotional turmoil it causes is weighing heavy on his head. How long before he snaps? One was sure it would never happen, and perhaps she would've been right if not for a single shadow Equestria had thought dead.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Interesting concept, but some constructive/creative criticism for you-
1.the pacing is really quick, I had a hard time figuring out what was happening, think about slowing it down a bit and creating more of a buildup/plot line in the first few chapters
2. Twilight feels OOC to me a little with the word choice she makes, and her anger/rage at sombra for kidnapping spike. She would be more methodical in her search attempt and notify the princesses about it through teleporting a message since spike isn't available
3. You may want to read up on some other fight scenes, this was fast, intense, and anti-climactic like as soon as it started it was over, give it more depth and it'll be Better
4. Find an editor and proof-reader for your story. The writing group has an amazing selection of editors who like helping out!
Hope this helps you out man! I can't wait to see more from you!
I am now following this story as well!
Funny thing is I was actually editing the first chapter when I saw your post. I had noticed just how fast paced I had made it. I guess my excitement got the better of me in that case.
Does Twilight really feal out of context to you?
*reads her dialogue*
Oh. shit.
As for the the fighting scene, with Twilight that was supposed to be the case, but I guess I could add some context to it.
Ah, editors. I'm sure I might ask one someday, but for now I think I can handle it. Thanks for letting me know, though. I didn't know there were any here. Also, thanks for your support! This kind of comment is one I've been craving ('cus everypony on DeviantArt seems to ignore me).
Edit
Chapter 1 finished
Edit 2 (POTENTIAL SPOILS)
Okay finished both chapters. It took me a while, and call me dumb, I hadn't actually realized what exactly you were trying to say until half way through the second chapter (feel free to laugh). But I think I've managed to pace it quite nicely, and redeem Twilight. My whole point with the speed was to kind of throw a bit of excitement in the readers face in an attempt to hook them.
I will also reassure you, this story is going to be much longer. This battle was intended to be anticlimactic because Sombra, even though he'll have a better fight later on, is not the main enemy of this story (I hope that doesn't spoil anything).
Also, next chapter expands on Data Swift. It really will only be then that proper foreshadowing will take place. (Again, hope that isn't too wrongly worded (maybe I should add a spoiler tag to this comment(or maybe I'm trying to deceive you)))