Well I guess this is it, my first story. Please be honest and tell me what I need to do better. Anyways Soarin' is just talking about his past life when he was a small colt. He is going to tell you the pain and misery he suffered during his young years. NOTE: I know I made a little too many chapters, I didn't need too, I just didn't know what to do, well it wont happen again.
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Alright, your first comment received and my first given.
Let me begin in earnest by saying that as far as firstly works go, this one was not bad. I may not be the best to comment on this, as I am accustomed to much longer stories. Still I will do my best to provide some constructive criticism that will hopefully push you to continue working.
My first issue is the length of the chapters. This piece would be considered (in my mind) a short story, meaning it does not require any separation by chapters. Note that being a short story is not necessarily mean this piece is bad, it just means a different format should be followed. For your next work, I would suggest you post it all together rather than separating it as you did.
Regarding your grammer, while I did not notice any cringe worthy errors, there were a few that could have been caught by a proofreader. Ex: sending me into a reeling fit ON anguish... | The voiced seemed one relief. [ I believe you mean of relief] Beyond sentance level errors I was also jarred a bit by your numerous short sentances. This maybe a pieve of my own, but I truely prefer for short sentances to be almost non- existant. To solve this I would suggest two things, read this out loud to yourself or another. If a sentance sounds odd, change it. I find that it makes much of my writting sound much smoother and you will catch many typos as well. Never trust the wordcheck completely, only do so when it gives you red since then you know for sure the word is wrong.
Regarding the story: I thought that even for a short piece it was a little rushed. I would have liked to have been given a few more details, such as weather or not Rainbow was the one that caused the lighting as a prank. I would only suggest that you flesh out your next piece a little bit mor
I have read Rainbow Factory, and I assume your factory was the same. Since I assume this is the case, I am left wondering why Soaring knew the factory existed if later generations do not know. If it is not intended to be the same factory, then I warn you that I and assuredly others will perceive it as such. Still you did a decent enough job expressing the emotions during this section.
If I had more critique to give I no longer remember it, so now is the part where I tell you what I liked. I enjoyed reading a story suggesting that Rainbow Dash has unknowingly already met one of her heroes.
Sorry, I am sending this from my Kindle and it weirded out me (warhurhn-> warn). Anyway I liked that the story gave a little background history. Slice of life pieces like this really add to the bigger picture of other works (even if this is of a slightly different tone than the show).
If you decide to keep writing, let me know. I would love to be able to proofread and give you feedback on your next work.
EDIT: Got on my computer and fixed the mistakes, although I left all of the text
They let you through guv? I thought there was a 1000 word minimum?
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1000 Word minimum TOTAL. ALL chapters included.
Hm? (doesn't really know much about this, barely knew)
Really? reeeeaally?
746078
What?
Ok, that was good for a beginner, But you could have done a little bit better but good job non the less.
OMG
The End Of Chp. 2
So.
Freaking.
Sad.
THAT DAD IS SO STUPIDO! God, I should really start stories that are less emotional. Super Job
Just Asking, But Are The Gears Amnesia The Dark Desent Referenced? Because Seriously
, Its Practically The Same Tourcher Method/ Stratigy.
774633
Considering I revised the story, I didn't intend to rip off Amnesia with the gears, I just wanted to make it as descriptive as possible.
*Leans forward exposing the right side of my face* Go ahead, punch me for it.
821272 Um....ah I don't want too.
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I was referring to The Ultimate Cow 333, because I ripped Amnesia off with the gear ideas (despite that fact that I have never actually seen the gears in Amnesia)