• Member Since 30th May, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 4th, 2012

Ripcord


I dont like teh biographies, or geography for that matter anyways.

T

Some days, when the sun sets and the moon lights the land. A little pony, hidden in the back, has a story she cries in the night. Her parents are gone, lost in time, and she was left alone. Adrift in a sea of clouds, mocked and laughed at for her shyness, she has only the worst of reasons to hold strong. For the times she cries, nopony hears her, and nopony helps, yet I listen. I've listened for years now, basically when we first met. I want to tell her how I feel but...she's hurting bad enough. I fear that this shy, withheld pony will never know how I feel or get over her pain. Yet I hope, someday, when it's right, I'll tell her, and I'll help her.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 12 )

A few grammar and spelling mistakes, nothing that gets in the way of the story.

You are a little blunt as far as exposition. The advice that I got was "Show me don't tell me.":twilightsmile:

Also, why did Fluttershy bring her bunny to the store? Her actions in the last part don't make sense to me.

Anyways, I will be watching to see how things go.:raritywink:

Well, as Honey Mead stated, you may want to show, rather than telling. Simply put some expression into your words. For example, when you stated it was cold, note maybe how they felt stiff or how it was affecting them.

Grammar mistakes happen, and are easily fixed, so don't worry about it too much. You should go back and check later on, perhaps get a proofreader to help you out if you'd like to.

Also, Fluttershy is a bit timid. You may have to show that she has a relationship with Ripcord if he's to visit her home on a personal call.

Though there's some mistakes, all writes face such things. You're well on your way to writing an endearing story! Don't give up! :pinkiehappy:

Bad spacing try to seperate the sentences after periods not in the middle of a thought

"Our lips meet as the sun dipped below the horizon and for a moment it all felt right."

i.imgur.com/RTgM2.gif

^^^^^^^HAHAHAHAAAA:rainbowlaugh:

751171, 752839 yeah that's what we call an author who doesn't listen to his editor and check for formatting errors.:trixieshiftright:

754553 It is partially my fault for posting such a funny comment, but I could not resist.

755141 To be honest the only reason I didn't read over it is because I laughed my ass off at this and forgot about it.

Ok looking at your story for a second time I am going to give you my honest and total opinion. I am going to do it in the style of the Clint Eastwood movie, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.

The Good: You do a good job conveying emotion. I really can feel how your characters are feeling, which is good. Your plot moves along nicely, good pacing. Your character is well defined but we will get back to him later.

The Bad: Spelling and grammar could be worse, it could be better ("The drake spotted me [I think you mean The dragon spotted me? ,of course, Unless his name is drake in which case that's fine but...]). You need to work on spacing and you need to work on indenting every paragraph. Fluttershy is OOC which happens in every ship that she is included in such as Those Dearest To Us This seems to be a general problem. she really is not shy at all. I mean, God you have the two going out after one dinner.

The Ugly: When I read this last chapter it practically screamed Mary Sue or in a guys case Gary Stu. Your OC gets a girl after one dinner and then fights a dragon. He not only beats the crap out of it but it seems like he was not wounded at all. He beats the crap out of it but then emerges unscathed. Your relationship ideas are also way out of whack. One day and they are boyfriend and girlfriend?

758406 Well I can comment on some of that...
The drake is not a dragon, rather dragonish.
Your issue with the fight is taken care of in the next chapter.
We tried to imply that their was an existing friendship before hand, I grant that we could have done much better with that.

Thanks for the input :twilightsmile:

764423 I discussed this with the writer in great detail over personal messages (though I personally like the idea of a dragon named drake better than a drake being a type of dragon). Thanks for your help though.

Login or register to comment