Lament of a Shy Pony

by Ripcord

Velvet bunny

The night was cool, enigmatic and wistful. I sat next to my cart waiting to close so I could head back to my home. I served some of the late comers along with a pony I knew all to well. Fluttershy, again last in line because she was politely letting ponies ahead of her. She finally made it to my cart, I was embarrassed because it was and old, decrepit cart but it was mine. She hid her head and walked up to the counter. I watched her, smiling at her attempt to enunciate herself. Always so quiet and withheld she was but I paid no mind to it.

"Um, hey Ripcord how are you tonight?" She asked quietly.

"Oh I'm great, it was a good day today!" I said cheerfully.

"Oh wonderful, so do you have any of the neat star fruit left?"

"You mean carambola, yeah I kept two hidden away for you," I said carefully, grabbing the two I hid. I walked to the other end of the cart and grabbed a bag to put them in.

"You didn't have to,"

"But it's my pleasure and since it was such a good day why don't you just take them,"

"Really, thats very kind of you Ripcord!" Fluttershy said happily grabbing the bag of carambola. She trotted off fluttering her wings a little as she did. I watched for a while, waiting for her to disappear behind the cover of night. When she was out of site and I could see no one I closed up shop. I grabbed the rusted red handle of the tarp and covered the cart top. I walked out the door shutting it quietly behind me and locking it. The moon was high in the sky by now, wind whistled by my ears and bit them. I grabbed my drake fur coat, it used to be my fathers but that was long ago. He was a brave colt, taking any and all on with his blade. The thought of him darkened my bright mood so I hurried on home.

I was on an well kept dirt road. Animal tracks speckled the trail, this signified that Fluttershy's house was nearby. I Eventually walked by and saw a candle in her windowsill, it was illuminating the curtains by it, putting a purple hue upon the ground. I walked up the trail to take a peek into her house. I got close and heard a quiet whimper, it was a melancholy sound, muffled by the nightly wind. I peeked in through the window and Fluttershy was laying on a chippendale couch. She was holding an old, ragged doll between her arms. It was a velvet bunny with black button eyes. She was hiding her face within its stomach, letting her tears fall onto it. I watched, wondering why she was crying and who gave her the bunny. I stayed a bit longer and watched, she just cried into the bunny. I couldn't bare it any longer to see such an altruistic pony cry like that. So I walked off, down the well kept dirt road and on to my home.

The night air got colder, It nipped at my uncovered parts. My breath fogged in front of me and sweat drew from my brow. I walked up the steep hill leading to my house. It was usually an effortless walk but my heavy heart made it callous. Why was Fluttershy crying, what could bring so much grief to such a pony. The thought bombarded my mind as I finished the trek up the hill. I walked to my house, it was a simple with few plants adorning the the windowsills and walkway. I went to the door and grabbed the key from my pocket. I unlocked the door and swung it open, I walked in and set the coat on the rack I keep next to the door. I walked in and sat in my chair, I grabbed some flint and leaned over to the candle. I smacked the flint together and watch sparks spurt from the impact. One spark finally landed on the candle and it lit up the room.

I walked over to my room, holding the candle so it would light the way. I entered it and was greeted with the welcome sight of my bed. I hopped in and pulled the comforter on me, resting my head on the down feather pillow. I set the candle on the rack on top of the side table. I rolled over and faced my window, the moonlight shown through lighting the dust specks. I closed my eyes and drifted off into a deep slumber.

It was morning now, my slumber was ended by the buoyant sounds of singing birds. I groaned as I sat up in bed, stretching my joints before starting the day. I got up and headed towards the kitchen to grab some bread for the road. I went over and opened an stained, hickory cupboard to grab my bread. I took a bite from it, it was still fresh so I continued to eat. I walked over to the door and grabbed my coat and key before heading out. I opened the door wan was greeted by the luminous rays of the morning sun. Something was glistening from the light, I let my eyes adjust only to see it was todays merchandise. I grabbed the rope tied around the width of the crate and dragged it along. It was heavy this time, maybe Willow put something extra in it for me today.

I walked down the hill, haling the encumbering crate behind me. It made an indention in the dirt behind it and caused a small dust cloud to form. My legs soon woke up and it became much easier, I'm not exactly a small pony. I've been doing this for years now, haling merchandise, tending to the shop, greeting everyone with the same jubilant smile of mine. It was a simple yet worthwhile life. I soon managed to get to my shop, I let the chest lay on the ground and unlocked the door. I walked in and pulled a wire so the tarp would shoot up. I walked back and opened the chest, I was right about Willow putting something extra in the chest. She put extra carambola inside, I smiled and started to unload the merchandise onto my shelves.

I finished stalking the shelves for today, I rubbed my head trying to get rid of some sweat. I hung up my coat, walked in and sat down, waiting for the customers. I waited a while, a slow day isn't uncommon in the market but I still got few ponies to come by. A few loyal customers of mine, they enjoyed the service I provide and what I sell out of this old thing. Soon they were all gone for lunch and I was greeted by a familiar face. It was Fluttershy, holding her velvet bunny.

"Hey Fluttershy, what's that you got in you hoofs?" I asked trying to act surprised.

"Oh it's nothing really, just my bunny," She replied quietly.

"Sure doesn't look like nothing, actually it looks pretty special,"

"It is, to me at least,"

"Must be a family thing, kinda like my dads old coat back there," I said pointing out my drake fur coat. Fluttershy walked over to my counter and set the bunny down upon it. I looked at it closely, it was old, almost like she had it since she was born. "Your bunny looks pretty old judging by the stitching done on the seems," I said.

"I've had it since I was a filly actually," She stated.

"Thats the same with my coat, so did your parents give it to you?" I asked. Fluttershy just looked down, grabbing the bunny as she did so. I watched her and she turned around and flew off. I felt like I botched the conversation by asking that question. How could her parents be such a delicate subject, I wanted to know more but I'll ask her tonight. It's been a slow day so I might close early and go to Fluttershy's house with my extra fruit. Then I could ask her about last night, and her velvet bunny.

Comments

[Honey Mead]

A few grammar and spelling mistakes, nothing that gets in the way of the story.

You are a little blunt as far as exposition. The advice that I got was "Show me don't tell me."

Also, why did Fluttershy bring her bunny to the store? Her actions in the last part don't make sense to me.

Anyways, I will be watching to see how things go.

[RedAllex]

Well, as Honey Mead stated, you may want to show, rather than telling. Simply put some expression into your words. For example, when you stated it was cold, note maybe how they felt stiff or how it was affecting them.

Grammar mistakes happen, and are easily fixed, so don't worry about it too much. You should go back and check later on, perhaps get a proofreader to help you out if you'd like to.

Also, Fluttershy is a bit timid. You may have to show that she has a relationship with Ripcord if he's to visit her home on a personal call.

Though there's some mistakes, all writes face such things. You're well on your way to writing an endearing story! Don't give up!