- Member Since 6th Mar, 2016
- offline last seen March 21st
FlareFlarerp
A former brony musician that is also a writer. I write with my friends on funny, sad, happy, romance stories. Enjoy
FlareFlarerp
Joined 6th Mar, 2016 ·
Offline
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FlareFlarerp · 7.2k words · 383 views
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Not a pairing I like, but dat title. Brilliant. I'm surprised I haven't seen it before.
The premise you have here points towards what could be a quaint, funny, and even erotic story, however the delivery of said story leaves a lot to be desired. I enjoyed the many funny quips, such as Vynil catching and pointing out to Octavia whenever she said something unintentionally funny. But the story itself lacks the proper flow needed for it to work as a slice of life. There are several points where the tone suddenly shifts without any warning or build, which can work if used correctly, but if used too often it just leaves the reader confused and frustrated. For example, Vynil in the beginning is upset about something Neon Lights did correct? But the extent of this anger in unclear until she punches the freaking wall with no warning whatsoever! I thought she was still joking by this point, so rather than surprise me, I was just confused. Another jarring moment occurs when Octavia and Vynil go from cute, vanilla kissing almost immediately to hard-core dirty talk. This can also work in certain situations, but it has to have the proper lead in, otherwise it just seems out of character, especially for Octavia as you've so far established her.
Additionally, the description of Vynil's costume that she changes into is implied to have been a maid, but a clearer, more direct description would've helped add to the picture building in the reader's mind.
Cursing should also be used with meaning, if you just say it whenever you want, it loses its meaning. Now this may have been used for comedic effect (i.e. wubbadubdub motherbucker) but it doesn't flow well enough with the rest of the story and just seems random.
Finally, during the actual sex description, please, for the love of God, use other was to refer to Vynil and Octavia besides their names. She, her, their, the grey mare's, the white unicorn's, anything could be used to add variety and make that section more interesting to read. As is, each sentence there just feels short and choppy, lacking that ever so vital flow that all good stories have.
You said you read University Days right? If you want to know own how to write an amazing, hot, and funny sex scene, read it again, and analyze what they did right.
Overall, this story was by no means terrible, I've read much worse. But you do have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to move past making mediocre pamphlets and grow to creating literary works of art that fully capture the attention of your readers.
Don't give up just yet, learn, keep working, and you'll one day reach your full potential. Good luck /) I believe in you.
7006545 I totally understand this was a sample the my friend and I made back in January. There will be more coming we are currently working on our 5th story now which this story goes forward and me and him expand then just having a OctaScratch ship but add more to it like they are going somewhere. But the series is is right now getting off to a great start I appericate the feedback. I will continue to write better but do take in mind this is just a sample from January and by now we've written 4 more parts to this series within 2 months. We added much more comedy and the kind of stuff you would see on TV and we made fit the story which if you don't see that happening then that is fine we all have our presences but do take in the humor within the first chapter. But thank you again and thank you for the kind message
7006388 The Idea pop in my head after I've listened to so many OctaScratch fan fics that from the story making sweet music together I just put wubs and it stuck ever since. Not really the pairing I use either I would've gone at a different approach but I didn't want to do something that be 'cliche'.
7008165 No problem dude, I look forward to seeing more of your work :)