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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well youve caught my interest so i will at least give this a few more chapters. I would recommend though that you change the first few lines celestia speaks in chapter 1, as they really feel out of character and i can see how that would cause people to stop reading it. I can cetainly see he being frustrated at her situation but i think she would show that differently.
Is this an order or a question?
Plus, it's 'You're' (You are), not 'Your' (i.e.: belonging or relating to the person or group of people being spoken or written to). I see you made this mistake more than once.
"Please captain, I've seen stuff normal ponies would never wish to see. Seeing a strange creature like this doesn't strike my fancy. Let's just say that once you've seen something, you kind of get used to everything else. It's the same with war. Once you kill, it gets easier." said Pulse
If it weren't for the anthro tag, I'd be confused right now...
Yay I'm ponies too!
I forgot to mention that you should include names as much as you can (but not too much) you should also stop ending sentences and starting a new one that's continuing the last one (I know, it's confusing) you should place commas;
He
Sure
Can
Try not to begin every other sentence with "she" or "he". The audience will appreciate the variety. Also watch out for the ends of sentences as you missed several periods.
THEIR names to FIT
While the concept is fine and all, the dialog feels awkward and the grammar needs a lot of work. Good luck with it.
He is also too young for any type of shot, so he needs breast milk to make it here in Equestria.
Now I'm not sure how long you've been at this for, but trust me when I say an editor goes a long way for a story.
to be honest I kind of expect the breastfeeding to have some effects.
Every time I see 'Bubbles' I think of the powerpuff girls
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Every time I see bubbles I think of bioshock
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7162698 if that's vegta then what happened to his nose?
A small detail, yes, but it seems to imply that Celestia isn't as old as she should be, ponies are long lived, or Nightmare Moon was very recent.
Laying it on a little thick there, anitncha
She.
You forgot the ? At the end. Also, it should be asked, not said.
Song pick for Chapter 2.
"I Hope You Dance"......by Lee Ann Womack.
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did you have a stroke at the end of your comment?