• Published 30th Dec 2015
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Journal of an Alicorn Clone - Tired Old Man



A silly clone of Princess Celestia writes about her not-so-ordinary life.

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The Long Ride Home (Wasn't so Long, Actually)

Dear Journal,

This moment marks the last steps I’m taking in the Crystal Empire today. But that’s okay, since I had so much fun while I was here! The feeling appears mutual for Shiny and Cadance, since they’re waving goodbye as I’m boarding. I’m waving back at them while Luna ushers me onto the train.

They’re, uh, still waving. I wave harder. Shiny stopped waving, but Cadance is still going. She wants to be the last to say goodbye!

But I want to be the last! And I will--Ouch! Um, Luna, do you think the train ponies will notice a little dent in the guide railing?

Luna sighs before ushering me inside the car. As I take a seat, I can see she has a look on her face, and it’s not one of the happy looks. She doesn’t seem too excited to see me, and if I’m honest, I’m not excited to see her.

“So, ‘sister’, it is my understanding that you’ve been giving Cadance a great deal of trouble while staying here.”

“I know.” The words came out without hesitation. “If you’re here, that means they told you about what I did.”

“Indeed. But…” She looks back to Shiny and Cadance, who is still waving as the train leaves the station. Cheeky niece. “Something seems amiss here.”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t they seem… unusually happy?”

Happy? Oh, that’s right, she doesn’t know about the stuff that happened while she was on her way here!

“That’s because a lot of stuff happened while you were on our way here! Stuff like board games!”

Luna raises an eyebrow. “Board games?”

“Well, more like just one board game, but a very long one!”

>~~~~<

Sitting in a throne far above ground, the Gleaming Warlock glared down at a dimly lit coliseum occupied by a stalwart pink paladin pony boasting battle-worn steel plate armor and a long, red-and-white-striped candy cane lance, its tip broken--no, chewed off at the end. Beside her stood a white pony with tears streaming from her eyes, clothed in a thick, dirty white robe and clutching a curved stick with a small string dangling from the thin end like a cheap fishing rod without its hook.

Before them, a massive eagle-headed quadrupedal beast lied on the floor of the arena, slumped over and wheezing. It was not quite dead, but hardly fit for combat as it was just a few minutes before.

“I can’t believe this! How could this happen?!” the warlock bellowed. “Glut the Ravenous Griffon can’t have been bested so easily!”

“Well, that’s what happens when he eats a rat swimming in disease! What did you expect?!” The pink paladin declared, pointing her chewed spear threateningly at the Gleaming Warlock.

“Silence! I will not stand for such impudence!” he retorted.

Suddenly, the white pony spoke. “I want my rat back!”

“...What?”

“I want Sir Rattington the fifty-fourth back! We shared so much time together, almost forever! And now it’s… it’s all gone!”

“Celestia,” the pink paladin spoke, “You knew that rat for less than two hours.”

Forever!” ‘Celestia’ sunk into the floor, weeping and wallowing in her misery.

The Gleaming Warlock sighed. “Cadance, I knew you shouldn’t have used her rat as bait. Now look at her!”

“He was going to have over a hundred babies! Granted, he didn’t even find a girl yet, but he would have!”

“What?! Your fat griffon ate my candy cane lance, so what else was I supposed to come up with?! I didn’t think she grew that attached to the rat either! She used him as a flail, for heaven’s sake!”

“He is the best flail ever, and don’t you forget it! He… he was…

Cadance groaned. “Can’t you bring him back, Shining?”

“No, I banned necromancy for this game!”

“And again, what kind of evil warlock bans necromancy?!”

“The kind that thinks it’s disgusting!”

“You’re disgusting!” ‘Celestia’ interjected. “I want my rat back, and I don’t care what condition it’s in! Even if I have to get in that griffon and pull him out of their stomach myself!”

Cadance gagged, then looked at Shining Armor. “So do you want to reverse that stance, or spend a few minutes narrating a journey through Glut the Griffon’s colon--”

Shining’s response couldn’t be hastier. “OKAY, I have a better idea!”

<~~~~>

I stop for a moment, observing Luna’s excited and curious face as she asked, “And? What happened next?!”

“Well, the evil warlock heard my pleas and made Sir Rattington a familiar! Which is great because all the other familiars they talked about were complete strangers even though they are called familiars. How does that even make sense?!”

Luna snorted. “Well, any stranger could become a familiar if you were to befriend them over time, much like your rat.”

I purse my lips. “I suppose that’s true, but they’re still strangers before I get familiar with them.”

“Indeed. So that explains how cheerful they were.”

“Nope!”

“Pardon?”

“Something else happened that made them super happy! Way before the board game!”

>~~~~~~<

Wait, or was it after the board game?

<~~~~~~>

Yes, it was definitely after.

>~~<

Situated in a large bedroom fit for a queen (formerly for a king), two mares and a unicorn with taped-on cardboard wings were hopelessly deadlocked, tangled in a struggle for superiority, dominance, and most importantly, how to place their right forehoof on a green dot ever so slightly out of reach.

“Honey, you need to shift your left wing a bit,” Shining declared, his right hoof extended out between his wife’s left hind leg and wing tip as he eyed a free green space.

“Kind of busy here, Shining,” Cadance grunted, trying to reach past a very in-the-way ‘Celestia’ whose right wing and left foreleg crossed to form a nigh-impenetrable barrier blocking her from the nearest green dot she could find. “Celestia, your left foreleg is in the worst position right now!”

“Say that to your husband’s stiff wings!” ‘Celestia’ shot back, huffing at the fact that were it not for those paper flappers, she’d have a clean shot at a green dot resting beneath Shining’s tummy that she hoped he hadn’t noticed yet. That did not stop her from trying, however. “C’mon, just a little more, and I’m about to--”

“Hey! Watch where you’re pointing that horn! I’m… er, extra sensitive down there!”

“I’m being careful, Cadance! ...Wait, why is it sensitive? Is lunch not agreeing with you?”

“Uh, y-yes! That’s exactly it!”

“Then maybe you should go to the bathroom!”

“No! I will stay and win, auntie!”

‘Celestia’ shrugged, or at least made as much of a shrugging motion as she could whilst tangled up in two other ponies. “Your loss either way!”

<~~>

“Goodness, I didn’t know Shining could play Alicorn Twister.”

I nod. “Apparently anypony can play if they have a horn and wings. Even fake ones!”

Luna looked down for a moment, deep in thought. But not too deep (maybe she went into the shallow end of the thinking pool), since she raised it up again. “So it seems my fears were misplaced. Despite your faults, everything appears to have worked out in the end. Except for the house damage, at least.”

“Oh, Cadance said she would handle that, so I don’t think that’ll be a problem--oh no. OH NO!”

“What? What is it?!”

“It’s him!” I point to a pony pushing a cart loaded with sweets. “Mister Candy!”

“Mister Candy?” She turns to see who I’m pointing to, and giggles upon seeing who it is. “You mean the pony pushing the service cart?”

“Yes! And he’s coming closer! Luckily, I know just how to stop him!”

“You mean like this?” Luna rose from her seat, took a few steps, and promptly fell in the middle of the hallway.

“Hey, that’s what I did! How did you know?!”

Luna snorted. “You thought you were the only one?”

Meanwhile, Mister Candy pony pushing the cart stops, leans on the handlebar and grins sheepishly. Although he’s still a bit farther away than when I stopped him, I still hear his response clearly:

“It’s a good thing I packed three more carts.”