• Published 30th Dec 2015
  • 3,324 Views, 170 Comments

Journal of an Alicorn Clone - Tired Old Man



A silly clone of Princess Celestia writes about her not-so-ordinary life.

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Unfortunately, the Crystal Castle is Not so Sweet

Dear Journal,

I sampled a dozen or so houses, and thus far, none were made out of candy. I would have sampled more, but Celestia’s--er, my pink niece found me and quickly escorted me to her castle before I could try any more. Such a shame--I was certain the fourth tasted like snozzberries, but that’s been the only exception to the other salty, earthy crystal houses.

I suppose that experiment will have to wait. For now, Cadance has just shown me my room to stay in for the night. I made myself perfectly clear that I was not going to eat her castle during my stay, and I mean it. I bit a piece off of a corner pillar when she wasn’t looking.

Still salty. Still earthy. Palatable, but nowhere close to sweet!

Anyway, I have some free time left until dinner’s served, so I’m using it to explore the castle right now. Or at least I would, if there wasn’t this obnoxious orange guard pony following me around who says he’s here to make sure I don’t eat anything.

The nerve of my niece! It’s not like I’m going to walk by the kitchen this instant and--oh my stars, I smell a fruit parfait just past that door!

What do you mean I can’t enter? It smells ready to eat right now!

I have to wait? Well, then I’ll just wait until it comes out that door and I’ll devour it as soon as it clears the door frame. And you’ll still get in my way?

Listen up… what’s your name? Okay, let me restart. Ahem, listen up Flash Scenty! I will get through that door one way or another and eat that parfait. If you insist on stopping me, then you better keep an eye on that door at all times! Because the second you stop guarding it, I’ll get in. It won’t matter if you know I got in--it’ll be too late then.

So you are going to stay right there? Good, because I’m not interested in eating anything but that parfait, I can guarantee you! Now, I’m going to walk away from this door, okay? I know you won’t move, right?!

...Wow, I can’t believe that worked! Now I have free reign to explore this place! And it looks like my first stop is the throne room!

Wow, and I thought the roof of Celestia’s throne room was too dang high! The floor is pretty much the least interesting spot to see, just a carpet, a standing sign of some kind, and a crystal chair, but this roof feels like it could go on forever and ever and--OW!

Ouch! Owie! Wow. This. Is. A. Long. Flight. Of. Stairs! When. Is. This. Going. To. End?! Seriously?! It. Is. Still. Going!

Whew. Okay, I’m at the bottom now. Who thought it was a brilliant idea to just cover a stairwell in carpet and hope no one noticed?! They should have left a warning sign--OW!

Oh, there’s the warning sign. “Danger! Carpet for decoration only. Do not walk on!” Well, what’s the point of a carpet like that? Was it really just there to cover up that hole? I guess the ponies here must really like hiding things like--huh. There’s a door here.

I don’t know why, but I don’t like this door. I want to open it, but at the same time, leaving it closed sounds like a good idea.

Wait, who am I kidding? Of course I’m going to open this door! What’s the point of a door if it’s never opened? It might as well be a wall!