Chapter 1

Twilight Sparkle hummed a happy tune as she trotted in her hallway. She just put Spike to bed after he fell asleep during her Hearts Warming eve party. Now she was about to return to the party but this time she had a book in her grasp.

"Well isn't someone in a good mood."

Twilight rolled her eyes at the voice, already knowing who it is.

"Hello Discord."

Discord appeared next of Twilight, a Hearts Warming hat rested upon his head.

"What do you have there?" Discord asked, pointing at the book.

"Oh this?" she levitated it in front of Discord. "Its 'The night before Hearts Warming', a classic! I'm going to read it in front of the girls." she said excitedly. However, Discord didn't look as excited. Twilight seemed to notice.

"What's wrong? Don't you want to join us?" Discord shook his head.

"No it's not that, its just that I heard this story for centuries!"

Twilight rolled her eyes once again. "That's probably why its called a 'classic'?"

Before Discord could retort, Twilight walked into the library where her friends were at the fire place.

"Hey girls I got the book!" Rarity clapped her hooves.

"Wonderful darling! I simply love this story!" Rainbow shrugged.

"Meh, if you ask me, I prefer 'The Hearts Warming Carol.'" Fluttershy shuddered.

"Oh, I think that story is kinda scary... especially the part with the ghost of Hearts Warming future." Rainbow scoffed.

"What are you talking about? That's my favorite character!" she looked over at Applejack and Pinkie pie, "What about you guys?"

Apple jack shrugged. "Personally, I always liked the ghost of Hearts Warming past." Pinkie bounced up in between them.

"Oh! Oh! I LOVE the present one! I mean who doesn't like present?" Rarity rolled her eyes slightly.

"What about you Fluttershy dear? What do prefer?" Fluttershy's eyes widened as all attention went on her.

"Oh um... I actually prefer the story of Rudolph. You know the one with the red nose?" Twilight chuckled.

"All right girls, are you ready?" All the girls nodded and sat in a circle. Discord sighed and sat in between Fluttershy and Twilight. Suddenly Discord had an idea. He smirked and sat up straighter.

"Ok girls, lets start 'The night before Hearts Warming'!"

"This would be a good time for the muslims to go to the bathroom..."

All eyes widened and turned at Discord, except for Rainbow who spat her cider in laughter. Discord simply shrugged. Twilight sighed and returned to the story.

"Twas the night before Hearts Warming,"

"And all the Jews were at the movies..."

Applejack snorted in laughter.

"or eating chinese food..."

Pinkie giggled. Twilight rolled her eyes.

"Will you?!" Twilight asked. Discord shrugged, a halo appeared on his head.

"What? I'm just trying to include everyone!"

Fluttershy nudge Discord lightly. He rolled his eyes and zipped his lips. Twilight sighed and got back to the story.

"Twas..."

"HOLD IT!"

"WHAT?!"

Now even Rarity was having difficulty on holding her laughter

"Who the hay says twas?"

Twilight groaned.

"Its in the story!"

"Well its old and stupid! "

"Its tradition!"

Discord raised an eyebrow at Twilight.

"...tis it?"

Twilight groaned once again as her friends laughed.

"Twas the night before Hearts Warming and all through the house..."

"Why is it always a house..." Discord asked. Twilight's head shot up and raised an eyebrow at him.

"What?"

"You know there are foals who live in apartments..." Discords horns turned into two blond braided pig tails.

"How does Santa Hooves get to the kids in the apartments Aunty Twilight?" Discord rolled his eye as the pig tails merged back into his horns.

"He has to buzz his flank in."

Now it was Applejack's turned to spit out some cider in laughter. Twilight sighed and wordlessly turned back to the book.

"And all through the apartments" Twilight shot Discord a look.

"not a creature was stirring..."

"Except for the jerks in 2B..." Discord interrupted once again.

Twilight glared at Discord who raised his paws/claws in defense.

" ...Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse."

Discord burst into a fit a laughter.

"Mouse? YOU WISH! YOU'RE IN A APARTMENT! THAT'S A RAT!"

Twilight ignored his and her friends laughter.

"The stockings were hung by the chimney with care"

"And believe me the room could use some fresh air...seriously how the hay did that tradition start?"

Twilight groaned again.

"What?" she whined.

"Hanging up dirty laundry and hoping Santa will fill it with goodies YUCK!" Discord stuck his tongue in disgust and snapped a candy cane with fur and lint on it.

"I'd like to suck on this candy cane but it smells like dads hooves!" The candy cane disappeared.

"Good thing the tradition wasn't a jockstrap...Sally whats in yours? ..." The pig tails reappeared.

"Nuts...and mommy says there magically delicious!" Rarity spat her whine while Fluttershy actually giggled. Twilight faced hoofed.

"YOU ARE RUINING THIS STORY!" she exclaimed. Discord smirked as the pig tails disappeared.

"Well your the pervert eating out of your own jockstrap! Isn't this the part where the kids are sleeping with sugarplums dancing in their heads?"

Twilight blushed slghtly in anger.

"Yeah..."

"What does that mean? I think they're huliucinating, these apartment children are on drugs...Santa's gonna bring me a GIJOE and a bong...and Daddy wants a hohoho...ITS DADDY AND THE THREE HOES..." He burst in another fit i of laughter along with the girls. Twilights left eye twitched in anger and returned to the book.

"With momma in her cercif and me in my cap, we had both settled down"

"FOR A BIG SNORT OF CRACK!" Fluttershy spat her milk. This surprised Discord for a second before turning back to Twilight. He stuck his head next to Twilight's.

"Look, you have to get to the part where Santa gets busted for breaking and entering, where the heck is that?" Twilight shoved Discord away.

"ITS NOT BREAKING AND ENTERING!"

Discord's smirk grew.

"Oh, keep reading I think it counts..."

"As I drew in my head was turning around, down the chimney Saint Nicholas came with a bound."

Discords eyes widened.

"He fell down?"

Twilight paused.

"...Yes"

"And doesn't it says his face was red?"

She nodded her head slowly.

"Yeah"

"WHY DOES NO ONE SEE THIS?" Discord exclaimed. Twilight raised an eyebrow.

"THIS GUY IS DRUNK OFF HIS FLANK! This is a horrible, horrible story!" There was a pause before the gang started laughing once again. Twilight gave an exasperated sigh before turning back to the story.

"He was dressed all in fur to his foot, and his clothes were all covered in ashes and soot,"

"Fat, drinking and driving, wearing a furry gay outfit, covered in soot and smoking, and YOU let him in the house because he said he had something for your kids...WHAT THE BUCK KIND OF FATHER ARE YOU ANYWAY?! If I were you I'd check his ID then taser his fat flank! How fat is this guy anyway, everyone is always leaving him plates of cookies, I bet he's a diabetic too, don't you think? You ought of leave him a plate of insulin how about that? Can't wait to hear this story next year, 'The Night Before Harts Warming Part II', Santa is on dialysis and he's missing a leg...and all his little dolly's have polonaises..."

"CAN I FINISH THIS STORY?!" Twilight shouted. Discord batted his eyelashes at her, a big cheesy grin on his face.

"Oh please do..."

Twilight recomposed herself.

"He sprang to his sleigh and to his team gave whistle,"

"Got to go quick cause there's a cop with a pistol..." Discord added. Twilight rolled her eyes.

"But I heard him exclaim as he drive out of sight,"

"Merry Hearts Warming too all, oh crap, I ran over your bike." Twilight slammed the book shut and slammed her face on the floor. All the girls were laughing. Discord was grinning ear to ear. Unfortunately, his grin slowly faltered when he saw Twilight's shoulders shaking.

Perhaps I went a little too far...

"Twilight dear I'm terribly sor..." He stopped as he noticed that Twilight wasn't crying... but laughing! Twilight and the others were rolling on the floor, tears falling, stomach holding, laughing. And soon he joined in on the fun too. A good few minutes has passed before everyone started to calm down.

"Oh man! That might be the BEST version I ever heard." Rainbow said while wiping a tear away. Fluttershy was still slightly giggling.

"Oh Discord, you're so funny."

"I do admit, you could have slightly nicer choice of words perhaps?" Rarity added.

"Are you kidding?! That was AWESOME!!!!" Pinkie exclaimed.

"Darn tootin! That was hilarious!"

"And here I thought you were loosing your touch." Twilight commented. Discord faked a gasp.

"Celestia forbid! What ever made you think I was?" Twilight smirk grew.

"Grand Galloping Gala." was all she said. Discord blushed slightly.

"Touché..." he muttered.

"Oh Oh OH!!!" Pinkie said while hopping in place. "Read it again! Read it again!"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

All the girls nodded, giving Twilight big puppy dog eyes. She rolled her eyes and sighed.

"Fine!" All the girls cheered. "On one condition." Everypony stopped.

"Whats that Twi?" With a flash of her horn, all the mugs disappeared.

"No more beverages, my carpet can't take it anymore." All the girls raised an eyebrow before looking at the center of their circle. There on the carpet was a red/white/brownish stain splattered from the many spit takes. Everyone blushed and gave a small nod from the head each. Twilight raised the book and glanced at Discord.

"Discord?" He gave a small nod of the head.

"After you princess." Twilight's smile widened as she opened it to the first page.

"You know..." Discord mused as he snapped the stain away, "This story might not be so boring after all."

Author's Note:

Heyo! Merry Hearts Warming! And Christmas! This was inspired by the hilarious comedian Jeff Dunham with his friend Peanut and it made me immediately think of Twilight and Discord! Hope you enjoyed!