"Shall we give it another go?" Sunset Shimmer asked her friends/band mates. They always practiced their songs after school to stay at their peak performance. Usually, it was just the six of them, but today, Sunset had invited their new friend to join them. Twilight Sparkle, the former student for Crystal Prep sat quietly in the corner of Sunset's garage, because the school's music room was closed after school.
"Sunset, We've already played this song eight times," Rainbow Dash replied with a loud groan, "we know it backwards and forwards, why do we have to keep playing it?"
"Well, if you were listening to when I first explained it, I'm really close to figuring out what happens when we 'pony up,'" Sunset explained, "Or, for when we play music, that is. After what happened during the Friendship Games, I realized there's a whole new can of worms that I have no idea how to even begin explaining." Up until now, Sunset hadn't noticed the general annoyance of her friends. We've only been practicing for, she paused for a quick look at her phone, two hours? Wow, time sure flies when you're studying magic. Or, trying to.
Sunset focused back on her friends standing around her garage, they were clearly taking advantage of the time after the song. They were just idling chatting with each other, except for Rainbow Dash, who was still flying around the room groaning and mumbling to herself about how her fingers were sore. Wait, Sunset immediately thought, flying!? It was at that moment that she noticed that nobody's transformations had reverted, and as she reached for the top of her head, she realized that included her! Everyone still had pony ears, long hair and in Fluttershy and Rainbow's case, wings.
"Uh guys," she started, "why haven't our transformations reverted?"
Rarity was the second to realize it, "I don't know darling, I thought you almost had it figured out."
Before Sunset could comment, Pinkie Pie interjected, "Maybe we broke it!" She gasped in shock at her own thought and started speaking much faster, "What if the song magic is like a computer and because we used it over and over and over and over again, something happened and it froze! What if we're frozen!" She gasped again and froze herself in the position she was standing, pretending to be stuck.
"Yeah, ah don't think that's why," Applejack said as she turned back to Sunset, "Any ideas there sugarcube?"
"Well," Sunset started again, "I'm not totally sure, but-"
"Who cares why!" Rainbow Dash said as cut Sunset off, "I can keep my wings now! How awesome is that!" She tried to continue but was silenced by Applejack putting her hand over the rainbow maned girl's mouth.
"Continue," Applejack said back to Sunset.
"As I was saying, I think Pinkie Pie might have been on to something with her computer analogy."
"So you mean we are frozen?" Fluttershy squeaked as she started pacing back and forth, "how will I care for all my animal friends if I can't move?"
"No Fluttershy, you're not frozen, you're walking around right now," Sunset said with a slight tone of annoyance for being interrupted so much, "I meant, maybe the magic is like a frozen computer, maybe we have to reboot it. And if we 'pony up' when we play music, how do we reboot the 'computer?'"
This question caught everyone else off guard, Sunset became well aware of this when everyone started looking around at everyone else, expecting them to have the answer. It was then that Twilight stood up from the box she was sitting on, a look of realization on her face.
"You play the song again and the transformation should revert after you finish it!" Twilight exclaimed, causing Fluttershy to jump to the ceiling of the garage out of shock, staying up there with her wings.
"Exactly," Sunset stated.
"But what if I want to keep my wings, I like being able to fly!" said Rainbow Dash, who was defensively holding her wings as if they could be pulled away from her. This, of course caused her to start falling to the ground before she'd realized what she had done and corrected herself.
"Rainbow," Rarity started, "We can't just live our lives looking like half ponies, the only reason we're fine at school is because nobody would believe anything they said about magic. But I'm pretty sure they would believe it if you stuck like that though."
"Fine" Rainbow sighed, slowly floating back down to the ground, almost as though she was a deflating balloon.
"Well, lets get playing so we can fix this, I'd say I have enough research for today," Sunset said as everyone got their instrument ready again. "Twilight," she tossed the notepad and pen she had been taking notes with to her, "mind taking notes on observations you make while we play this time, I know you said you wanted to understand magic more. And to be honest, even I'm not one-hundred percent sure that this will work." Twilight fumbled around with the notepad after just barely catching it and simply nodded. Sunset could tell how excited Twilight was to get to watch something that was new to her, as she had been the entire practice.
And with a few more minor adjustments, and a song choice, they were ready to start. As usual, Pinkie counted them in while banging her drumsticks together, "One, two, three, four!"
They all started in unison, save for Twilight, with one of their better songs, "We've just got the day, to get ready, and there's only so much time to lose. Because tonight, ya we're here to party, so lets think of something fun to do!"
"Shake your tail 'cause we're here to have a party tonight!" They ended the song with a much better mood, it felt as thought the last two hours didn't even matter. Unfortunately, for the sake of their pony ears and Twilight's notepad, their last song didn't matter either.
"Well, that didn't work," Sunset said as she looked around at her half-pony friends.
"Thanks for the heads up there, Captain Obvious." Rainbow Dash said with a grin and a fake salute to the flame haired girl.
" I was so positive that playing another song would, for lack of a better word, unfreeze the magic," she replied, shrugging off her friends sometimes rude nature.
"At least it didn't make it worse," whispered Fluttershy, as if tempting fate, "I'm sure you could figure out anoth-." Fate had been sufficiently tempted.
At that moment, everyone in the room, except for Twilight, was lifted into the air with a bright flash of light.
i want you to continue this story
Shy just had to say something. And here's another story of ponies invading EG. Keep it up!
Continue on. I shall keep an eye on this.
While short, this is a pretty good start. Builds nicely on the little underlying subplot of trying to understand magic to progress the story. The writing didn't have any flaws that leaped out at me, and all the members present had a voice and presence in the scene, not just 'oh, X was there too.' I'll be tracking this for now and I'm really interesting to see where you go with it.
No Sunset, Twilight... playing the song again would be like trying to run another instance of the program that's frozen, not reboot the system.
At least knock on wood when saying something like that. Or hold a lucky bunny...
Also; see? Now you've gone and crashed the magic and caused it to force a system reset. I hope you're happy!
Um... I know that you probably meant to put 'song' in that spot, but I wanted to make sure...
6475381 :| Uhhh, that's awkward..... Thanks!
hmm... i want to see where this goes....
So, uh, wow! I wasn't really expecting this many comments/views (or any) within 2 hours of it being approved! I was prepared to wait a couple days for what I have now.
I got a little bit of the feedback I so desperately wanted, which is awesome too. And with that, I will start the next chapter within a day or two. Unfortunately, I picked the worst possible time to start this story as I work the next couple days after school. But, I have online classes in the morning, so I can use that time after I finish my work.
If my estimates (and perception of my own attention span) are correct. I'll probably have chapter 2 up by Thursday or Friday at the latest. Chapter 2 wont be nearly as short because this chapter was to get some startup feedback. Anyways, thanks for the (very quick) support!
this is going to be a fun one please continue it . this really going to get good ! kudos to you for writing it!
Right now you are writing about a very hot topic. Anything Friendship Games related seems to be doing really well. This is a good chance to get peoples attention on your stories and show them what you can do. Please continue on. You have a knack for this!
I don't usually go for human-to-pony stories. The other way around is more my speed. But I'll be following this story, definitely. It's got my interest.
6475940 The funny thing is, the original idea I had for this came before Friendship Games aired. It wasn't going to involve Sci-Twi at all. I only added her because at the end of the movie, we learn that she moved to CHS. So it was a matter of, "well, she's there now, might as well use her."
6475993
Good call all the same, and once again, good job!
A neat little idea, and not bad for a first attempt! A few minor grammar issues were present but they weren't THAT distracting. The pacing was a bit too fast as well, but that's something that takes awhile for new writers to figure out. The most you can do for that is to A: Read a bunch of other stories and take notes, and B: Simply play around a bit until you hit a comfortable speed.
Biggest advice that can be given to you is to keep on keeping on. Writing, like any other art form, takes time and effort. Practice makes perfect, so keep pushing forward. You'll only go up from here as long as you keep at it
6476080 Would you mind pointing out an example or two of the grammatical issues? This is exactly the kind of criticism I'm looking for.
This is proof why you never tempt fate. Hell MALEFICENT is afraid to do it, and she's part of the same species that jinxed the whole "tempt fate by saying it out loud thing." Thing. This gets teammates in saving the world situations killed, makes said situations harder then they need to be, and basically just makes an entire situation worse. While I understand that doing helps advance the plot, you have no idea how many situations in all forms of media that phrase is said in that get worse because of tempting fate.
Hmmm more pls?
Huh, this looks interesting. Usually its just Sunset who's stuck as a pony in these kind of stories.
Also:
Way to tempt fate there, Fluttershy
6475201
Maybe they thought that the magic 'program' froze before it got to the 'revert back to human form' part and are running another instance of it in the hopes that it will run properly and undo the transformation like it normally does. Problem with this line of reasoning is that, it means they go through the 'transform into anthro ponies' again while the first transformation is still in effect.
Of Fluttershy, you just didn't tempted fate... you also went and spit in its face, tried to steal it's lunch money, and woo its date!
Work has begun on chapter two, not sure how far the plot pacing will go in this chapter yet. I don't like writing with a specific chapter plan and I prefer to just have a general idea instead. With that in mind, my initial guesstimate for a release should be on target, but leaning more towards Friday (I think). But for now, thanks for all the support so far, it really is a HUGE confidence booster.
Well, this is an interesting idea, to be sure. Your execution needs work, but as you said, it's your first story.
One thing I'd suggest is that the first chapter ends in a bad place. You should have taken the first chapter further, actually shown what happened. I think you got in too big a hurry to publish, honestly. Also, you need to find a pre-reader to help you work on your rough grammar.
I believe you are a word there.
6477628 Wait, so did Flutter try and fail to woo Fate's date, or did she succeed?
6478158 first of all, thank you for reading what I have so far! Your story is where my idea came from!
Second of all, as I said before, I pushed the first chapter where it was because I wanted some suggestions before I got into the "conflict," as I didn't want to screw it up. The next chapter will be much more thorough, even if it takes me longer than Friday like I hoped.
Finally, as for a pre-reader, this story is a smaller project for me to learn on my own. If I end up making more stories, it's definitely something I'll look at.
6478207 Fixed, thank you!
6478818 Two words: I'm hooked. The concept is not fully presented yet and like Mythril said, the ending felt a bit rushed and awkward. But it was definitely amazing for your first ever story. Tbh, I'm not so great at catching grammatical/spelling mistakes on my first read, but that makes it easier for me to focus on the writing style and plot. So, I'd say for now that you are doing great and keep on improving.
Also, the writer's worst enemy is a lack of self-confidence. Do what you can to try and bring up your morale. I realise it's not that easy, as I have the same problem when writing my stories, but just in general; consider suggestions, edit the story and fix up sentences, and fill your brain up with all those positive comments lying around. (Don't forget to read the critism too.)
6478734
I think she succeeded in wooing Fate instead
6479681 Well, if she swings that way, I'm not gonna argue
Can't wait for this to get more chapters great work so far keep it up
An interesting start. I'll see where this goes.
I like this story and I want to see more.
might have, or might've.
Could of, would of, should of, and might of are never right.
6481497 Fixed, thank you. It's reasons like that, that make me reconsider working on this at 8/9am and 11/12pm.
I'm definitely intrigued, very good for a first story! Also, wow, it's only your first but in 2 days already 100 likes. That's a pretty good sign.
6481572
No problem. I only post corrections like that for stories I like and intend to continue reading.
6475381 I laughed harder then I probably should have at that comment.
I liked it
You had to say something flutters
Oh Fluttershy why did you do that? Only Pinkie can tempt fate and get away with it.
At that moment, everyone in the room, except for Twilight, was lifted into the air with a blight flash of light. You put BLIGHT instead of BRIGHT. Just Sayin
I'm really liking the concept of this story! Please continue. :)
*Raindow Dash, as she started glowing* OH fk.. you just had to say that didn't you, Flutters- *turns into a pony*
And this, my friends, is why you don't look a gift horse in the mouth.
I'm not apologizing.
- Headwind
Haha ha!
CURSE OF THE LENS FLARE HAAAH
Few grammar issues but I can still read it. Do you how many stories here have the appearance of a five-year-old poking keys and calling it a story? Not a lot; the filter isn't 100% perfect.
You story is 90% or more worth it.
*trys to think of a funny way to work with this in a comment*
...and then they kissed--- no wait, let me try that again.....and then they exploded...twice, leveling a significant portion of the town, tossing magical radiation into the air... thus, Fallout: Equestria Girls happend!--- No! Nope... that wouldn't work!...and then, nothing happened? Meh! Good enough!.
Seriously though, I still love the idea. The other Pinkie must never know!, I shall keep re-reading.
8395234
You've read Fallout: Equestria Girls‽ That's such a good story!