• Member Since 3rd Sep, 2015
  • offline last seen Wednesday

nutjob


Comments ( 11 )
Comment posted by shy sad jaded shard deleted Sep 13th, 2015

This has potential, but you should probably work on the following:

1) Grammar
2) Chapter length
3) Dialogue
4) Characterization
5) What the heck, phrasing, too.

Everything the above guy said plus the ethnic cleansing of futa from your life.

In real life Rarity was under the covers sucked Sunset's cock as fast as she could, the cum flowing freely and she whispered," More, I need more, MORE."

I need more too Rarity.....of the story I mean....yeah...story....I'll shut up now...

She doe this all the time without even thinking.

Forgot the "S" on "does"

sunset started drying herself an looks in the mirror

Forgot the "D" in "and"

Ashe rammed her cock into Rarity's soaking sex and started thrusting as fast as she could.

As she rammed her cock not Ashe. Ashe is an American tennis player

As Sunset thrusted she forced Rarity to lend against the wall for support

It should be "lean" not "lead"

still inside Rarity's vagina she more of her sticky goodness into her womb

I don't even know what went wrong here

At first she just became worried of what Rarity know thought of her

It should be "now" not "know"


Sorry about going so hard I know it is your first fic so not trying to be an ass just correcting errors

6419749 mate its OK, I guessed I get things wrong, I have someone helping me now so hopefully those kinds of mistakes will stop and when I have time will go back and fix them

Gotta say sweet story, maybey rainbow dash next to be turned.

Where did you get the cover art?

6618673
Derpibooru artists: ruhisu and danmakuman check them out

will this/these stories be continuing sometime soon, please and thank you!

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