Letters sent to Princess Luna tell the story of a pony who has once suffered physical and verbal abuse as well as lose, bullying, and harassment, only wants an friend. her life goes on through love, tragedy, and finally, acceptance.
Chapters (8)
MelodyScribe
Joined 31st Jan, 2015 ·
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It really is tragic that some children aren't treated the way they should be +1. Hopefully, if you know any one with this sort of trouble, they can get help.
God bless you, and have a good one!
I found your fic on "Authors helping authors." That doesn't mean it's a review you need to pay back. You're getting this one for free.
I've no idea how to score grammar in a scale. I hate scoring art in scales anyway, so I suppose I'll just point out a few things. Firstly: you've problems with homonyms. I've noted the use of "their" instead of "they're." Look through Google on differences between those and correct them. There's an instance where a comma is spaced (like this , ) which is also a problem. Basically, I think you should look through your former chapters and review them. Or get an editor. Sadly, I don't think I'll be able to help you much with this because of my own mediocre grammar, and not as much time as I'd like to have. Look through editor groups, find an editor who can do grammar well.
"Authors helping authors" says I should start with pros, and end with cons, and that I should list 3 of each. Well, this is not how I roll. I care more about the weigh of these pros and cons than their quantity. I'm starting with cons to end on a positive note.
You've a problem with characterization. I can see you're a beginning writer, so this'll come to you in time. The character you're portraying, while he or she (this hasn't been clearly stated, as it should have) is going through negative things in life, is actually quite flat. You need to focus on who your character is. What traits do they have? Do they get easily angry? Are they calm in times of danger? Or maybe they cover from their own shadow? Secondly, your characters interests. Reading a Daring Do book is somewhat little. Essentially, your character feels a bit like Snowdrop, in a way that she's going through bad things, but doesn't seem to be a real person. This is the main flaw with your story that, if fixed, can make your fic work.
Also, scenes are either slightly short, or slightly underplayed. Think of things your characters would focus on. Was it that the colt who helped them was tall? Or was it that said colt was strong in build, or that he had a certain kind of smile? Introduce description of the situation, of the characters, and the background, but don't overdo that. Focus on what you believe your characters would focus on, nothing more.
Onto the pros. I can see you're a beginning writer. For a beginning writer, this fic is quite nice. I mean, it's not like my first stories were any better than this. They were, in fact, much worse. MUCH.
I like the fact that Luna's not responding to him. While it sometimes seems like a way to add to the tragedy, to me it feels more alive. That there isn't some sort of a magical princess who can always fix your problems if you write to her. There aren't any deus ex machinas that would sort everything out on themselves.
Another good thing: the fic isn't fully a "feel bad" stuff. It isn't fully a cheap tear-jerker, we've some positive aspects of stuff. I also like the little bits of characterization, the little places where your character isn't quite thankful for what they have, when they poke at stuff for being not enough to their liking. It adds to their believability. But well, don't go overboard with that too. Your character needs to be likeable.
Overall, fic not as bad, gave you thumb up. Don't be afraid of the wall of text above, read it. Also, try reading Fahrenheit 451 for some good characterization.
Also, I second the post below. And if you do end up going through my fics, don't read the "on Hiatus" one.
Will Luna do something for this poor filly that is going through a lot? Like visit her in her dream?
Has the story stalled completely?
Yaay, new chapter (Well, I haven't logged in for a while).
You get there/they're/their mixed up occasionally, but it fits since this is all written by a filly.