DoingTheFishStick
Joined 20th May, 2012 ·
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- Anonymous AmeriBrit · 6.4k words · 44 3 · 1.3k views
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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There's a slight case of repetition here and there(I noticed the word "male" being used a fair amount in quick succession), but all things considered it's pretty good. Also I detected a slight whiff of my fetish near the end.
6246587 Thanks for the feedback. I will look it over and do a bit of editing.
Here or somewhere else?
6247270 You can just send me a note if you would like
Agreed on the (over)use of 'male.' It's not only repetitive but I also find it too... clinical, as if you're not writing about a person but a... well, gender. I'd try to avoid it and use stallion, guard, or (heaven forbid) his name.
The writing felt good but maybe a bit too flowery (for clop). I wouldn't mind if it had some more lead-in and if it was longer (because it was good).
As for pairings, I'd like to see more Celestia and/or Luna. :)
6252308 I really appreciate the criticism. I haven't been writing very long, and getting good clear advice is hard to come by. I will keep that in mind next time I am writing up the next one. Celestia and Luna definitely sounds like it could be fun too.
Maybe the guard and Celestia, just as Night shift is ending, have Celestia double team him with Luna.
I loved this story! The dialogue, setting and characters were well written, but there were a few things I noticed that could be improved. Please don't ce offended by this, but city is not spelt sity, and I'm pretty sure that by drug you ment drag. Also, maybe you could consider writing a sequel? Coz this was great XD And also there was prehaps a slight over use of the word 'male' You could always put 'stallion' instead. Again, pleas don't be offended by this, i loved this story, but there were a few things I would put to make it betterš