- Member Since 8th Jan, 2015
- offline last seen Nov 7th, 2016
Hoodmonger
Hi all, Please give feedback on posted ficion. It's well appreciated and I,m from the Netherlands in case you wonder.
Hoodmonger
Joined 8th Jan, 2015 ·
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You will soon learn to hate writing in English thanks to the plethora of homonyms ( which you have already used in your story) Love what you're doing so far.
6231242 Really appreciate the kind words, really. I found the English language much more entertaining to write in, more powerful, and Dutch also has that homonym problem. Thanks again!
Will there be a sequel to this? I enjoyed the story, and I'd like to see how
Jack handles the situation of Twilight's feelings toward him.
I'm sorry if this comes off as all negative and no positive, but I simply don't have many words to say about the good parts of the story because they're ALREADY good as they are. I've never been one for praise.
First the good: The premise is solid and it's obvious that you know how to weave a story. The characters all acted in line with their natures from the show and the dialogue was easy to follow. The start of the story was very engaging and I found myself getting sucked into the story without realizing it.
Now for the bad: I want to like this story, but so many things are holding it back. Your talent for storytelling is betrayed by the fact that English is obviously not your primary language; the story desperately needs to be sent through a few proofreaders to help clean up all the grammatical mistakes throughout. In particular you have mixed up the apostrophe (') with the quotation mark (") for all of your dialogues. There are also many instances where sentences have random line breaks in them, but I assume that's more the site's fault than yours because of formatting issues.
Apart from grammatical issues there are some stylistic issues that need to be addressed:
- If you were trying to make Ponyville represent a rural town in the southern US then your use of reckon isn't out of place. Even if this was your intent, however, most southerners don't actually speak like that. Applejack would use it, but Rarity, for example, certainly wouldn't. Try to replace it with more formal sounding words.
- You do not address how Jack arrived in Equestria. This is more of a minor note as it doesn't really pertain to the story at large, but you make references to it (him knowing Princess Celestia, the ponies not receiving him very well, Twilight trusting him) without actually having fleshed it out. Either try to smooth over these references, remove them, or put some backstory in as to what happened when he arrived.
- You use far too many short simple sentences. Having many long complex sentences isn't a requirement, but they will change how your story comes off and generally increase the natural flow of a story. Short sentences are jarring. They reduce immersion. They make the reader more aware that this is a story. Using short sentences is nice for emphasizing a point, but IF YOU'RE EMPHASIZING EVERY POINT THEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE WRITING IN ALL CAPS.
- The story progresses too quickly. I realize that you were trying to go for culture shock - Equestria has a more inclusive and more tolerant culture than we have on Earth in this story - but Jack is still a human. Even if we ignore the cross-species barrier Jack meeting someone new and then having romantic sex with her the very next day is too jarring and too fast. You need to give Pinkie more time to really sink into her depression for her to become desperate enough to spring it on him (she has survived this long, she can survive a little longer), and likewise you need to give Jack more time to warm up to being with a mare before having him start accepting it and being with her.
My proposed solution: Have them sleep together for a few days or even weeks and allow them to become very close friends by nature of her pushing for sex, but keep Jack thinking that they're just going to be friends. You can then have Rarity come in after it's obvious that he isn't getting the hint and have her scold him for his lack of understanding, at which point he would realize sleeping with Pinkie and being left with her isn't just another odd quirk of the (overly) friendly pony culture, but rather an attempt to push the two together.
Best of luck.
Ok, I liked the story, but the part where Pinkie actually drank his sperm was kind of weird. I wasn't really expecting that.
Other than that, the story was excellent. But you did use apostrophes instead of quotation marks. Yet, people do make mistakes!
I wouldn't leave Pinkie Pie even if you put a gun against my head. She likes to make people smile, and she'd probably make me smile very brightly and not to make others see me as a jolly guy. She'd probably make me into an actually jolly guy!...
Anyway, This was rather interesting. The only things I would change is make the speech parts easier to read, as they seemed all over the place with me. And I'd actually put in a different time lapse so it's not one day Jack was shoved in with Pinkie, the next day jack shoved himself into Pinkie. If the time was longer, say a week or two, then I could believe that Jack would develop feelings for the cotton candy pony. That is all.