- Member Since 9th Apr, 2015
- offline last seen Oct 17th, 2020
MrMech
I enjoy crossover stories and HiE stories as well. Hope you enjoy whatever I may write and productive Criticism is appreciated. Signing off, Mr.Mech~
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Lightning Spear · 79k words · 276 27 · 9.1k views
- Feynna · 156k words · 138 16 · 2.9k views
- KingdomBrony16 · 269k words · 28k views
- Izalith · 72k words · 243 23 · 4.2k views
- coolcatnate · 19k words · 246 26 · 7.6k views
- Crimson Blade79 · 18k words · 126 15 · 2.7k views
- Flammenwerfer · 269k words · 1,603 57 · 30k views
- DJ A String · 21k words · 469 84 · 6.8k views
Featured In1
Stats
Page generated in 0.143 seconds
Total duration
920 users online
2,396,046 hits today, 2,623,277 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Jus-jus-just no, just no. When people BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE and RANSACK IT knock you out, tie you to your bed and basically try to INTERROGATE you, HARASSES you and possibly BREAK potentially expensive equipment you do NOT just turn around and say "bad ponies, now let's head back inside, NOT call the autorities or make you pay for all the damages and let's have tea and talk :)"
NO YOU DO NOT !! NOT EVEN IF THEY'RE SENTIENT HORSES YOU MAKE THEM FIX AND OR PAY FOR ALL THE STUFF THEY TOOK AND OR BROKE!! I mean be realistic here I personally would be furious if someone broke into my home ,bringing friends along with them, ransacking my house and made them selves at home. I mean WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?! " oh look a house, it looks pretty well stocked it must be for us I mean it's not like if it has an owner that owner won't be furious with us! I'm sure they'll just be OK with us breakin- I mean exploring their house without permission! I see no possible problems with this plan:D"
This is just bad writing, revise this and make it more realistic he's been threatened, stolen from, and his house and probably some of his cars too, are in pretty bad condition. He should be more than a little angry.
I like it keep going.
Ok, clearly majority says my story is bad. Anybody care to tell me so I can fix it? Or should I just go by Necatrina and go that direction. Please let me know.
The pure unadulterated faith this man has is mind boggling
not sure what you had first but judging by what nectarina said and what am seeing you might need to up the payback and lessen the compromise. For one you could try playing the fear card, the princesses and other ponies seem far to confident and assured for being in an unknown land except rainbow she's spot on. The shock factor is good though. If you plan to leave the chapter as is then thats fine but some retribution is in order and evening up the playing field...they're probably depending on him not the other way around. Oh and kudos on the comedy
More realistic ,sorta, so thx
Chapter 1: No discernible logic behind anyone's actions. Ponies break into a home, and act like they own the place, break a bunch of things, and take a nap. When the rightful owner shows up, they act as if he's the intruder. At no point does it occur to them to do anything to foster any goodwill.
Guy's home alarm system sends an alert to his phone, which means it should also have sent one to the security company, who should have sent the cops. Instead of letting the cops deal with it, he sneaks in, which is a good way to get killed by either the intruder, or cops mistaking him for an intruder.
Finally he offers the ponies a place to stay, when he has no reason to treat them as anything but hostile.
Why is every character so dumb?
Chapter 2: Now I get it. It's a generic wish fulfillment clop story, hence the flimsy premise. If the description had made that clear from the beginning, I wouldn't have bothered reading it, and subsequently wouldn't have downvoted it.
If you're going to write clop with story, put some actual thought into the story, and believable character interactions, or the end result comes out worse than just pure clop.
6456729 I'm just going to address the easier of the two first. Number 2: how exactly is it just "Wish Fulfillment" and clop when, A:There was no clop, whatsoever, and B:He passed out as soon as he saw the rest? It was meant to be funny! A situation where the Girls didn't know any better and made it awkward for the main character!
As for the First part. Ok, so the chapter wasn't the best in the world. Sue me. This is supposed to be a fun experience. One where I try my best and learn from what other people tell me.
Thank you for your input, and I hope you see where I'm coming from.
Mr.Mech, out.