35 - I am No One, and a Pony
Lyra smiled across at the unkempt earth pony seated with her in the room. He looked… disheveled, and not in the usual way that once-humans were. She couldn't quite put a hoof on it, but one thing was clear, this stallion needed a friend, and she would try to be that friend. "Hello. I'm Lyra, Lyra Heartstrings, and welcome to my office. Here you can say what's on your mind and know that your words are safe, and you can't get in trouble for telling me the truth in your mind. I want to know more about you, and to help you, as a friend."
“Okay, I don’t know what they told you, but I did NOT defecate in a public fountain. That was already there when I got there,” Iam Noone’s eyes darted around the office, “There was an altercation with a salad, but that’s mostly your universe’s fault for making me eat plants. And, okay, I did get pretty foul mouthed in front of that horse-baby-thing…. what do you call your larvae again? Seems like there’s a special horse word...”
Lyra tilted her head a little. "I think you're looking for 'foal'. Were you a human, or… some kind of insect? I didn't know humans had larvae?" Lyra shook her head a bit, trying to free herself from the stunning effect of the introduction. "Alright, relax. I'm not here to blame you for things, but… uh… you're alright with using bathrooms right? We have a nice one just down the hall there." She pointed to an adjoining hallway. "I won't get mad if you ever need to use it."
Iam just blinked slowly, “Of course I can use the bathroom. I’m not THAT schizo…. or drunk… or…. okay, never-mind it’s a fair question. I was more or less human, though, yes. It’s weird that you would ask if I was a bug. Am I still under arrest? Are there drug charges, because if there are then I swear everything I had on me was perfectly legal in my universe You can’t expect me to be familiar with the contraband laws of every random universe I get amalgamated into. You are my lawyer, right? Because you’re not really giving off a ‘lawyer’ vibe.”
Lyra shook her head then. "I admire your energy, but we're not in any rush, promise!" She levitated a chocolate out of a bag and floated it towards her guest. "You're not under arrest for anything. You haven't hurt anypony that I'm aware of? Besides coming off as a little… odd. Tell me, what were you like before you came here, to Equestria? Did you have a job? Friends? A home?"
“Wait a minute, if I’m not under arrest, then that means they took me to a….” Iam’s milky pink eye’s went wide with panic, “No! Dear Jeezac, god of prozation, no! I just told the truth to a head-shrinker! Please, miss doctor horse, I swear I’m not a crazy person… horse… uh… horse-person! It’s… it’s the drugs! Yeah, the mushrooms! I’m just so high I say crazy things sometimes. There’s no need to medicate my brain-meats into prozation! I’m just a tacky brown and blue dirt-horse! Look at me, skippity dee, doing pastel horse things. You can just send me to the drunk tank with all the other degenerate drug-horses.”
Iam got up and paced in a little circle in agitation, whimpering, until finally collapsing into a sulking heap, “Fine, send me to the nut house! Just please for once show enough respect to not call it a hospital! It’s crazy jail! You don’t have any right to feel better for sending me there! It’s not fair! I’m not even deluded this time. I really am just high. How's that so bad? All your kind ever do is pump people like me full of drugs, anyway.”
Lyra looked… entirely baffled. Never had one of her patients reacted in quite this way, and she really wasn't sure what to do about it. "Medicines are for sick ponies, Iam. You're not acting sick, just confused. I'd like to help you with that." She rubbed behind her head, trying to marshal her vast reservoir of skills. "I'd like to learn about you. No drugs." She wobbled the chocolate she still head in front of Iam. "Unless you count chocolates. It's really good! My marefriend made it for me. Never met a pony that didn't like it."
“Wait,” Iam seemed disturbed by this reaction and took a deep breath, “You genuinely have no idea what I’m talking about do you? Why would you? Okay, I’ll take the chocolate, worst case scenario it’s drugged, and I sit around the looney for a couple of weeks or until I fall out of the universe again.”
Iam chewed the chocolate cautiously then grinned stupidly in embarrassment, “Damn, that is seriously good chocolate. But seriously, I wasn’t being arrested? Some orange country-western horse just lassoed me and dragged me here saying, ‘this is for every ponies own good, sugar-cube’, so given the circumstances I kinda assumed she was the sheriff around here, because honestly I have no idea how that works. I’m Iam Noone, by the way.”
Lyra clopped her forehooves together. "Sounds like Applejack! She's nice, but she can get a little rough when she thinks that's the right thing to do." She waved a hoof around the room. "This isn't a jail, promise. You were brought here because you're lost and confused, and that's not a crime." She returned to her chair, keeping an eye on her curious patient. "What do you like to do, when you're relaxed and just want to do something?"
A sudden thought came to her. "Have you been in jail a lot of times before?"
“Heh, not really. Not real-people jail. Crazy-jail more than a few times. Never for more than a couple of weeks at a time. I’m not a danger to myself or others. And seriously, sorry for earlier. I always act out when somebody drags me to the nut-house or I get arrested,” Iam laughed evenly, “It’s rule #3, always play the crazy card if it can get you out of real jail. One of the only real benefits of having a crazy card.”
Iam shrugged as best as his foreign body allowed, “As to the other….. I’m not really relaxed, pretty much ever. I have the emotional range of a goldfish. And this isn’t even the first time I’ve fallen out of the universe. Usually I fall into a black space with these floating letters spelling out, ‘Will you please just leave me alone?’, but this is the first time falling back into a different universe. Also the first time anyone’s not automatically assumed I'm just crazy or tripping balls. Which is weird. Because I am clearly a crazy person who clearly does drugs. Why would you possibly assume I was telling the truth about being from another universe? And do you have any idea why I’m a horse?”
Lyra pointed at herself. "We'll start with the easiest to answer. I believe you're a pony because I'm a pony, and so is almost everypony else in this town, including the one that brought you here." The more she heard, the more concerned she became. "Be honest… Were you unhappy before? You sound like you weren't doing so well where you were from." A cautious smile was then displayed. "Would you like a fresh chance? Whatever you did in the past can stay there. Nopony on the entire planet knows about it. What do you say?"
“I’m pretty much stuck here. Unless I fall back out. It wasn’t the mushrooms that did it though, tried that again, just to see if I could fall back into Dark Letters house, again, assuming he’s know what world to kick me back into,” Iam laughed and shook his head, “That led to the exact chain events that led to me being right here in your office. It’s entirely possible that my universe was just fed up with me. And decided that I’m your problem now.”
Lyra extended a hoof. "I'm not going to try to second-guess universes, but you're here now, so it's up to you right? Do you want to try over again?" She held the hoof out towards him, hoping he would accept the gesture as given.
Iam laughed shortly, extended his hoof and asked earnestly, “How in the hell do you hold anything with this. I do it all the time, but really? How does that even work?”
Lyra met his hoof with her own, clopping them together gently. "You don't have to hold things to do a hoof bump, but there's also a shake like this." She pressed her hoof to his, making an up and down motion against it, showing him how it's done. "Both are acceptable."
Iam shook the offered hoof and chuckled lucidly, “You know you’ve got a hole in your sky right? I just thought it was just me, which wouldn’t be as weird as it it seems, like I said I do fall out of the universe from time to time. But if it’s happening enough that apparently you just bring us all to see a social worker, who basically checks to make sure we’re all friendly… wait… is there actually a half-way house for polymorphed aliens? There is isn’t there?”
Lyra blinked, ears erect at Iam. "Um, yes? We're working on the 'hole in the sky' thing, promise, but that's not here or there." She rubbed behind her head nervously, considering things a moment. "Does it bother you that you're not the only one, or comfort?"
“Either way good with me,” Iam shrugged, “Seriously, though, you might want to get that checked out. Shouldn’t be any real problem unless you’ve got an active portal to a subprime parallel material plane… or if you you’re using an adjacent lower plane as some sort of high security prison. Last one’s probably not worth even mentioning… doesn’t seem you guys style to send criminals to Hades and such. So I wouldn’t worry about it.”
Lyra rubbed behind her head. "Uh, not usually?" She smiled hesitantly. "You don't like answering questions much. I'm only asking to get to know you better." She tilted her head as she pointed at one of Iam's hooves. "Like, you're new at those. Not having fingers is a big, often traumatic, thing for once-humans. How are you getting along? Would you like to go over getting the most out of them? I'm the one to ask. The average pony'll think you're a strange adult that doesn't already know, and they're not trying to be mean, but they don't know your background."
“Heh,” Iam cocked his head sideways, “You’re a really helpfully hor...er pony-woman, Miss Lyra.”
He suddenly reached across and booped her on the nose, then in his most serious tone continued, “Don’t ever go to my world. They have a pill to fix that. But, yeah, the hooves are a problem. I can pick things up, but finer tasks like writing and measuring ingredients… If I’m gonna take up my old job as a dru… uh recreational alchemist… I need to know how that works. Without horny telekinesis. Since I don’t have one of those. I guess I’m what you’d call a dirt hors...er dirt pony?”
Lyra squeaked at the touch and rubbed her own nose. "Earth pony. They tend to be strong, durable." She rolled a hoof. "They can develop an intense bond with the ground and things living on it, like plants and animals. Oh!" She suddenly smiled brightly. "If you were an alchemist, you could grow plants for that pretty good with some practice." She leaned off to the side, checking for any cutie marks. "You should try that out. Gardening and farming are useful skills, not to mention relaxing and fulfilling."
Iam’s addled brain swam in the possibilities and he risked a brief smile, “Yeah, that sounds like a nice thought, I didn’t have much on me when I came through. I’m not really even sure if my clothes disappeared in the transition, or if I was running around naked when I fell through the cracks… I was a bit addled, you understand. Did the redneck horse who brought me here bring in my book-bag? It’s the only thing that followed me through. In addition to a few… personal items… it’s got some of the… uh… alchemy ingredients… from my world. There’s almost definitely some seeds in there I could use to get started.”
Lyra slipped to her hooves. "From what I understand, nudity is a strong taboo with humans. Are you alright being naked right now? We can get you some clothes if it would make you more comfortable. It's not against any customs to wear them, just not required." She reached up to tap her tophat. "See, I have some." She moved towards a closet and pulled it open with her magic, peeking inside and starting to dig around the contents. "Everything she found she brought here, just in case. I didn't see anything immediately exciting, but you'd know better than I. As long as it won't hurt anypony, have a look."
Iam began rummaging through the old book-bag that now contained the sum of his worldly possessions, laying them out on the desk as he explained each to the curious Miss Heartstrings.
“Hmmm, my pipe, I’ve seen a pony or two walking around with one of these, so I assume you know what it’s for. Most of my alchemy involves inhaling vapors or smoke, so this little steel pipe is a crucial tool for me,” Iam chuckled a little at the half-lie, “And my glass pipe. This one is for vaporizing… uh… reagents? I think that’s the word. It’s for smoking things that don’t burn very well.”
The next was a pouch containing a little hypodermic needle and a silver spoon. Iam blushed and quickly swept it back into the bag, “That’s… personal… lets see, what else… Hey, my Misfits T-shirt! Lucky break. Didn’t realize that was even in there. I love that shirt. And here we go! Behold the elements of human alchemy!”
Iam removed four clear bags filled with various substances and spread them across the table. The first contained a mass of green buds from an unfamiliar plant. The second was filled with strange dried mushrooms. The third contained a non-descript white powder. In the fourth were three vials of blue liquid.
Lyra had little clue what most of the contents were, but she knew what mushrooms were! And a pipe! And one of them fancy pipes! "So is that your specialty, smoke alchemy? Fascinating! Your mushrooms look already dried out though… I guess you won't be growing those, unless…" She looked thoughtful a moment. "You should keep them safe until you get used to gardening and see if you can't use some earth pony magic to get them going again." She pointed at the powder and fluids. "I don't think there's much you can do for these though? Enjoy it while it lasts?"
Her magic wrapped around the shirt, plucking it up and turning it around to look at it in a new light. "Put up your hooves and we can see if it fits? No promises though."
“Thanks,” said Iam enthusiastically as the shirt slipped over his barrell, “Not that running around naked really bothers me, but it’s nice to have a piece of home.”
“Smoke alchemist, huh? I like it. Sounds all respectable. So you have shrooms here, I take it? You seemed to recognize them,” Iam reached over to the bag with vials, “These are a lot like those but WAY stronger. One drop’ll put you in waking dream for hours, so you better hope it’s not a nightmare. Take a whole vial… well you’ll either end up dead or… here I guess.”
Iam paused and took a long breath, before taking the bag with a clumsy hoof and passing it to Lyra, “Actually, give this to someone who can study it proper. Military designed the stuff way back, thought it might give soldiers psychic powers… that’s kinda like magic for humans. It was supposedly a partial success, but the side effects made it useless for military purposes. I’m done with it. Seriously, though, warn whoever you give it to to be careful with it. It can absorb straight through the skin, and people on my world call it ‘acid’; as in ‘melts your brain’.”
Lyra took it in her magic, lest she touch it. She gave it a wary look. "I'll… see what Twilight thinks of it, or maybe Zecora. I hear she's really good at odd chemicals. Uh, Of course we have mushrooms! They're tasty." She tilted her head a bit as she put the dangerous chemical aside for later transport. "The ones that aren't plants seem to be very… dangerous. I'm glad you're willing to put them aside. Besides, there's no market for dangerous chemicals anyway. What pony would pay for that?" She asked as if entirely baffled on the idea of why anyone, er, pony, would ever want such a thing. "Oh, that shirt looks good on you by the way. What does it mean?"
“Most do it for fun,” Iam shrugged, “Think of like… bungee jumping. Yeah that’s a good equivalent, it’s one hell of a rush, at one hell of a risk. Either one, if something goes wrong…”
Iam brought his hoof down sharply for emphasis, “Splat! Brain Meats everywhere. As far as the shirt goes, it’s a rock band where I come from. Punk rock, I don’t know if that’s a thing here. I’m not sure what it ‘means’ really. I guess to me it just means that I’m still me. All the meds, all the drug, all the pony aside. I’m still Iam Noone, the man who wasn’t there. Or I guess the pony who wasn’t there in this case.”
Iam looked to his backside suddenly then looked puzzled, “Don’t know what I thought was going to happen back there, felt like I was on to something for a minute. Well, I appreciate your time Ms. Lyra. You’ve been a great help to me in starting my new life here. I wish there was something I could offer you….”
Iams eyes lingered on the bag of white powder, “Actually, I think you may know the one pony who could put this to actual good use. It’s Coca-leaf extract. In its pure form it’s highly addictive and can be as dangerous as the acid, but in the hands of a master candy-maker it’s the key ingredient to the greatest beverage ever invented on my world. It just takes soda water, caramel syrup, and maybe a two percent solution of the key ingredient. I’m sure the pony who made those chocolates could figure it out. Just be careful with that stuff. It’s not gonna melt your brain, but in large amounts it can cause all sorts of problem. You just want enough to give the drink some pep. And remember, that’s all of that there is or likely ever will be in this world. And when youre candy-maker gets it right tell her to call it ‘Real Coke’.”
Lyra plucked up the bag and set it with the other dangerous things she may or may not see destroyed without much regret. "I'm not sure how much she's into drinks, but I'll ask her just to be certain." She smiled at Iam. "I'm glad to hear you're in such good spirits, but to be on the safe side, why don't you check in once a week or so, let me know how things are going? It's not failing to want somepony to talk to, and that's what I'm here for. Nopony should have to stand alone." She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "Speaking of, let's go see Mayor Mare. I'm sure we can get you a little plot of land to start with and get to growing."
She thrust a hoof upwards with a sudden thought. "But! If you find you don't like gardening, don't panic. You won't hurt my feelings telling me that. We'll find what calls to you. Being honest with ourselves is more important than being right on the first, third, or seventeenth time, alright?"
“Actually, I was something of a gardener back home,” Iam nodded as he followed Lyra out the door then paused, “…wait, the Mayor’s name is actually Mayor Mare?”
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Some people in the fandom call her Ivory Scroll.
different kind of chapter.
I think Silver Scroll's will approve it.
Harts Fire
Fair enough. All the typos were basically my fault.
Imagine Pinkie Pie getting a hold of a coke with actual coke in it. Scary.
Oh no...
Ponies are being introduced to drugs.
This probably won't end well.
6088288 Agreed.
Pair this guy with Pinkie Pie. It can only end well.
A drug addict.. perfect -_- this is going to be breaking bad Equestria. I usually skim, but this chapter is kind of confusing.
Hooray for no followup!
6088626 NO
Well, at least he got rid of the really hard stuff.
I would really like to see more interactions between the once-humans and the town and/or Mane 6, rather than just see more humans. For instance, would Twilight not be interested in some of the scientific knowledge that humans bring?
6088974 I would not be opposed to some other author taking up that yoke and writing in the same 'universe' from the view of other ponies/once-humans.
Wow, this guy had my 20's in his bag. Now I know what happened to it.
Maybe too sharp of an edge.
Oh crap. This guy is about to introduce canabis to ponies? This can only end in stoned hilarity.
Just had an idea, maybe you should create a character sheet? Have it in the story description maybe? That way we can remind ourselves who is who and what they are doing.
Hey Peter called he wants his name back
Jaysus Christ Iam, you really have a thing against LSD. It's like... the least harmful thing in your bag of tricks. Sure if you had normal shrooms those are gentler than LSD, but you got some kind of super ones? You're like "put the LSD on military lockdown, hey anyone want to put some cocaine in their soda?" I mean really, the most harmful effect of LSD is it makes people who take it think that it had an effect on them. People are like "LSD changed my life in a completely nonquantifiable way that didn't improve my skills, make me smarter, give me any great insights or change my behaviors, drives or motivations, but I swear it totally was a huge change!" That's it, isn't it Iam? You wiped out on LSD and had the palette swapped head explosion thing, and now you're 100% convinced that LSD is worse than something that actually hurts people, despite not being hurt by it other than being artificially convinced that it's a mountain sized molehill.
Military wanted to make LSD because they thought they could use it for mind controlled soldiers. Saw that it made you really open to suggestion, figured they'd chant "Kill the commies" at you while tripped out. Didn't work so well because LSD's effect is so unpredictable and not tied to dosage, plus suggestion affects habits more than judgement long-term. Stuff you already don't think about can be altered, but stuff you do think about, any suggestion just gets overridden once you wake up. Because that's all LSD does: stimulate DMT release causing you to enter a REM dreaming state without being asleep. So it's marginally useful for removing smoking compulsions (and thus, made more illegal than nicotine), but useless to force you to want to quit.
Cocaine on the other hand... three words: dopamine reuptake inhibitor.
LSD might melt people's brains temporarily, but cocaine sets them on fire.
...plus cola tastes terrible BOTH BRANDS
oh and pot is worse than LSD b/c it makes you eat junk food and get faaaaat
...I kinda like Iam.
6091012
I wish he will get introduced to Tree Hugger, the possibilities...
6094851 I have no idea who Peter is. Really. No earthly idea.
Be honest did you drop acid the first time because it can cure nicotine addiction or because an authority figure said "Acid will melt your brain"? Iam's just gotta give acid it's "bad boy" reputation.
Because he just tried to make Bon Bon his drug mule. And there's no reason at all to believe all the "free samples" he just handed to Lyra are even a fraction of his actual stash.
And for the record, I have no troubles at all with acid. But, also for the record, you're right, he just slammed a "military secret" tag on the mostly harmless stuff and advised Lyra to have her wife pass out the truly life-shattering drugs as a soft-drink.
Oh and: You shut your filthy fecal hole! Coca-Cola is the greatest acomplishment of mankind!
6094851
memes.at/faces/surprised_gasp.jpg
You... You. You! You heretic! I will purge the world of your heretical blasphemy!