the first
As I stepped out of the train the sun glared blinding me for a moment. Shaking it off I continued on my path ignoring the giant statue of a baby dragon. I continued on my path entering the place doors. A rather uptight looking royal guard stood guard. “State your business.” He stated rather bluntly.
“I’m here about the job.” I told him.
He rolled his eyes “There's a lot of job offers. Ya better tell me which one or I won’t let you in.” He said clearly annoyed.
“The librarian position.” I hastily spat out.
The guard chucked. “Aren't you a little young?”
“I’m not young just small.” I told him annoyed myself. I hated being called young above all else.
“I really hope you're as old as you say you are.” He said opening the door.
I walked in the throne room taking in all the sights, but was quickly distracted by the pretty alicorn on the throne. I noticed the blue and white unicorn sitting next to a moment later. If the throne room was a painting he would be an after thought I thought.
“Hello my little pony.” The pretty alicorn said.
“Hello your Majestys.” I said a little nervously.
“What brings you here?” She asked
“A job.” I answered hastily. Floating out a newspaper clipping. Her magic covered mine floating the clipping in front of her face.
“Wanted a new royal librarian; ponies who can bind books are appreciated.” She read. “So you want to be our new royal librarian. Can you bind books?” She asked a little frazzled. It was clear she was having problems filling the position.
“Yes I can. Would you like to see your Majesty?” I asked.
“Yes I would love to!” She explained.
I floated out a book from my saddle bag “It's not my best work but I hope you like it.” I told her. Once more her magic covered mine gently taking the book out of my magical grip. She brought it up to her face examining it gently. Flipping through the pages she exclaimed “Shining! look at this! Its so pretty!”
He nodded and then said something about her being more pretty than some silly book. She blushed. “Miss … Umm I never got your name.”
“Little Ink my name is Little Ink.” I told her.
“Miss little Ink you're hired. I’ll have some movers bring your things to the place and one of my guards will show you to your new room. Shinning do you have anyone in mind?” She asked floating my book back to me.
Shining the after thought seemed to consider it then he said “Flash Sentry can show her the way.” A orange pegasus showed up smiling he said. “Follow me Miss Ink.” I quickly followed him in the direction which I assumed was the library. He stopped short turning sharply to the left then the right then once more to the left.
“Here it is.” He pushed open a door with a hove. “I hope you like it here.” He walked in removing a book from a bookshelf. A bookshelf next to it swag open revealing a staircase. “This is the staircase to your room. Don't worry you can reset the password thing so I and the other guards can't get in but you gotta tell one of us; security reasons. Got it?” I nodded. “Good I’ll let you settle in.”
I did settle in and the next day my things arrived true to the princesses promise. I quickly tipped Derpy a few extra bits. Before unloading my things. Books many many books. I levitated a large stack. Trotting over to a near by desk I set them down then returned repeating the same process another time. I set the books stacks on top of the original then returned to my work. Telekinetic rapping the last stack in my magic. I was nearly halfway across the room when a angry pegasus pony screamed at me making my magic implode and my stack drop to the floor. “HEY! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING DROPPING RANDOM THINGS OUT A WINDOW!” He screamed at me.
My ears folded back against my head as I spoke in a small voice. “I’m sorry it was an accident.”
This seemed to enrage the nameless pegasus even more “AN ACCIDENT!” He screamed. He then threw the book he was holding at me it hit me square in the face. “I’m sorry it was accident.” He smiled picking up some more books throwing them at me. My hooves flung in the air trying to protect my face. To be honest it was quite scary. I never was very good at shield magic so there was no point in putting a shield up. I felt rather small as this angry pony attacked me. I hated myself “I hate being weak why can I do anything?” I thought as I cried.
The pegasus picked up another of my books smiling and winding up for a swing launching the book in the air. I braced for impact but it never happened. Opening one of my eyes slowly I looked to see the book levitating by unicorn magic. “Are you alright?” a gentle voice asked me looking up I was able to identify the unicorn who the magic belonged to. The unicorn had a least a kind heart I decided. “I’m fine thanks.” I stated. Not trying to draw attention to myself.
“No your not fine.” He told me. “Your bruised at least if not worse.” He said. He then sat the book down looking me over, checking for bruises. Against my will a sob ripped through my throat. This caught the stallions attention. He quickly stopped his inspection wiping away my tears.I could see him clearly now; to say it in a word he was a quite handsome stallion. His coat was a dusty gray color his hair a pleasing sandy color. From what was poking out of his helmet. The thing that caught my eyes were well his eyes. Apple green it seemed to suit him. “Now don’t cry OK? He will apologize and make it up to you. Alright?”
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Dah format
Dah Grammar
Dah OC self-insertion yo.
K
How hard is it to get the first thing the reader sees from your story correct? It's one word, and you managed to fail. One. Word.
I really don't care for grammar or the format it's self the thing is, it's all about the story. The Story is a bit edgy but it's a good start all you need is to fix some stuff here and there and it will be perfect.
This feels very rushed.
Don't let all this negativity turn you away from writing. Please. It wouldn't have hurt this story to be edited and cleaned up and some grammar fixed... But the story itself isn't bad and you tried, keep trying, keep writing, and seek out an editor, you did a good job.
So Little Ink is a piece of cardboard? The lack of emotions is really hurting your character. What is her personality, what are her little quirks? Detail goes a long way in establishing a character. I don't care about this character at all either. You've given no reasons to care. Also, re-edit the grammar and spelling please. For the love of God respect the English language
5991452
Was... was that intentional?
Review Time!:
Title:
Correction: Friends
Description:
Not even a period or a comma? The description is a little too short, and it's an OC story? I can already tell not many people will like this.
Chapters:
The first chapter's title has to include proper capitalization.
I can already tell this story will include plenty of mistakes. Hopefully you fix these issues before I come back. ~ Silver Spoon
5990477 Your profile picture matches that comment perfectly.
5991452 It wouldn't work even if the spelling and grammar were perfect. The story's drowning in edges and the character is debilitatingly bland, and a grammar sweep won't fix that.
ANYTHING that makes a story more difficult to read, be it elements within the story or the way the words are spelled and used, is a step towards making it bad. And as I've told you SEVERAL times now, this kind of coddling will encourage them to not take steps to fix those issues. There's a fine line between injecting positivity in a comment section and flat-out white-knighting, and you've been veering towards the wrong side for a while.
5992072 I would refer you to 5992217 's comment
5992300 Mm.
You know you're letting the "trolls" win by hiding from them, right? It's a form of giving them attention if you go out of your way to drive them off.
Who the hell's even still been giving YOU attention, other than the times you've poked me on my userpage? Your shit was two months ago.
5992851 I haven't really said anything worth of such. Also It's rather weird that I'm NOW getting downvotes out of nowhere. Before I posted this comment, I had none but now I do. Your bring suspicion to yourself now... I don't have 100% proof but still.
5992858 Destroyer. That happens literally every time a fight starts in a comment section or group thread and people start noticing. They upvote the guy who's being smart and downvote the moron he's talking down. It's not a conspiracy that's following you. It's you not completely stopping acting out on small scales and drawing negative attention to yourself.
If the downvotes on your comments are all that's happening to you... you have absolutely no idea what trolling is.
5992880
5992910
Just a bit of unbiased advice, Destroyershy: it might be a good idea to quit saying "let's move on" in every comments section you find yourself in; you're only prolonging the drama behind whatever happened. I have no idea what you did in the past, but the only reason I know anything happened at all is because you always make a point to say "let's move on". No one harbors any ill feelings against you; you're the one that constantly talks about "moving on" in a thinly veiled attempt to dispel some imaginary group of trolls that's attacking you.
Fallen Prime's right: no one's stalking you. Calm down. Be smart, be polite, (in your case) don't engage in arguments, and don't always direct the conversation back to you and your alleged "trolls", and you'll be just fine.
5992910 Yeah, 5998693 is right. The ONLY reason this is still in the public consciousness is because you talk CONSTANTLY about letting it go, which inherently leads to it not being let go. Stop drawing attention to it, and to yourself. If you're going to stop the "trolls" from drudging up the past, shut up about both.
5998693 Before I begin, I'm going to say this: If I come off as aggressive, I apologize. That is not what I'm going at. Since two people took what I said out of context, I need to make this statement so nothing gets screwed.
I do take what your saying into account but I didn't start this. I said something nice and I'm getting the bad end of things.
How...? That holds no weight to what's going on here. I wasn't even referring to anything but it was taken out of context.
So... let me get this straight... I'm trying to remove myself from the problem but I get punished for it? There are so many things wrong with that statement it hurts. #1- I didn't start anything. #2- Me trying to remove a problem was the only thing I was trying to do so where did I go wrong exactly? I could go on but I would be here forever.
I think a few users would like to say otherwise about ill feeling against me. Also I haven't said this in quiet some time so... Also I mean a handful not a group. I should have be more exact on what I said.
Ok question for you: How do you know that? There is no proof supporting that. Also I'm not the only one who has said this and there are people who have seen what happen. I'm not saying your 100% wrong but there is nothing that holds what you said.
I complain but a few users will support me on this so...
I'll agree with the arguments but I didn't direct anything to anyone.
Look all I want to do is have fun not start wars. At this point if it continues, I'm just going to start blocking because this is getting to the point where I will have to take action. I didn't enforce the blocking before because it was deemed unnecessary but it seems I was wrong. I thank you for helping but I don't deserve the crap I get on here. I took a picture of what I said on here but I'm removing them so it doesn't fill the users page up. if you want to continue this, ether go on your page or Fallen's page. Thank you for your time.
5998915 At this point I don't think YOU know what trolls you're referring to.
5999194 It seems you don't. Alright you gave me enough info to understand how you are. In anycase, I'm done with this. Don't bother bring up the subject again.
6000321 I won't if you don't.
Alongside many, MANY awful lines in this uninspiring, bland dreck, this one still stands out a mile:
Ugh. I shudder just looking at it. Until you improve like, 110%, please never go near a keyboard again.