Spike takes Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Pinkiepie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash to play golf, a game played primarily by Canterlot nobles. Their different styles of playing the rather simple game quickly causes a friendly competition to arise to see whose style is best.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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My first fanfic ever. Please give me useful criticism so that I may learn for future fanfiction writing. Thank you for reading. =3
The ending when the scores were revealed was pretty predictable, but it's not such a big deal.
The other major problem I saw was that you keep using 'would'; that is, something like 'Twilight would do this'. I think you should stick with the past tense ('Twilight did this').
Other than that, pretty interesting.
This was interesting! If you want criticism, I have a few points to make...
First point: You tended to use the word "would" in connection with a verb, which personally, I found a bit distracting. In lay men's terms, by using "would ____," you're completely changing the tense from real to hypothetical situations, for instance, "I liked the present" as opposed to "I would like the present." The former insists that there was a present, and the subject liked it, whereas the latter insists that there is a present but whether or not you like it is based off of some independent action. We call these conditional phrases, and it's odd for a story to be written completely in this conditional tense.
My second and last thing I'd like to mention is the dialogue: not necessarily the content itself, I'd actually like to praise you on keeping the dialogue in character, (Applejack's country dialect, Rarity's noble dialect, etc,) but I'm much more concerned as to the structure in which you implemented it. Normally when a story implements dialogue, they tend to break up each speaker into paragraphs as to not get them confused. My apologies in advance if you take offense, but I'd like to rewrite one of your paragraphs to show you what I mean:
' "I... um... liked your club method too Rarity. It was nice." Fluttershy would softly state, having enjoyed the calm atmosphere it forced. Rarity would grin and boast
"Well it is the most graceful manner." She would pause for a moment, remembering as if mesmerized. "I don't suppose that your method was too bad either... such precision..."
"Yeah I'd say!" Rainbow Dash would follow Rarity's words. "I could hardly get into the hole while on the green and you hit it from like a mile away!" '
Notice how the simple organization of dialogue makes it that much easier to read because you're not going back and thinking, "now who said this?" which can cause readers to take up more time reading, which ultimately as a writer, your goal is to entertain your readers by having them not think about the story past their own imaginations, and anything that causes a reader to stop and think about what's happening due to lack of organization hinders your goal!
But that's not to say it was a bad story: I thought it was a very original and creative tale of our mane cast! I especially liked how you kept the sense of innocence in your story (shipping can be quite obnoxious,) as well as using the topic of golf as a scenario for- well I'm not gonna be a spoiler; you know what you wrote ;)
Anyhow, write on, my fellow brony! Write on!
An odd choice of future tense, using "would be" whenever an action took place. But this was thoroughly enjoyable!
Alright! So I guess using 'would' too often would be- err... is my most prominent problem. I'll work on using the right tense modifiers, but I guess I'm not as tense about them as I should be. X3
I do like the way you separated the individual pony's parts Walkinix (and no offense, I asked for all the criticism directly!) I'll work on getting the dialog structure down some more. I think part of the problem might have come from having written it myself, thus I already knew who is saying what. =<
I actually can't believe there aren't more simple short stories like this. The show pretty much sets itself up to be done as such and all the writer would have to do is pluck some event from their actual life to tell a good story, just altering it into pony a bit. *also has an aversion to shipping and similar*
I'm afraid you have a very serious anatomy error! Ponies don't have hands, they have hooves. Also, "Twilight Sparkles?"
If you're writing a fanfiction, make sure You're spellining the Character's Names Correctly. In this case, Twilight Sparkle (singular, not plural) and Pinkie Pie (Two distinct words, not one. Pinkie being short for Pinkamina). Other than that, you could use some heavy editing. Your tenses Fluctuate (this is an epidemic in Fic writers and one of the easiest ways to drive away readers) and your grammar and layout could use some work. My advice is to first re-read your Chapters as they're written. Try to find a pre-reader and/or editor, they also tend to help. All aside, a solid first attempt. I can see you improving over time.
Nice Pun!