Four Powerful Unicorns

by Twilicorn01

Chapter 2

The four of them gathered around Sombra. He started to squirm, and a few of the invisible bonds snapped.

Starlight clicked her tongue. "Now now, Sombra, don't struggle. We wouldn't want the bonds to get tighter, would we?" With a sweet grin, more bonds came up, binding his feet together. Sombra roared in pain as the bonds drew his hooves closer and closer together while the rest of the ropes cut into his skin.

The other mares laughed at him, and at once gathered into a circle. Sombra, now collapsed onto the floor, looked up at them in wide eyed terror. "Please..." he forced out in a strangled gasp. "Don't... hurt..." The rest of the unicorns chuckled in delight at the first words they had heard him speak.

"Stand up, Sombra," Twilight said curtly. "We don't have all night." Using her magic, Trixie dragged him to his hooves, and he swayed shakily, looking around at them.

"So. Who's first?" Sunset sweetly asked, looking around at her companions.

"Me," Twilight said, stepping forward. "I was, after all, the one who caught him." Without waiting for a response. Twilight stood in front of Sombra, glaring into his red eyes. Green still shone from behind the red, pulsing with magic. Then, Twilight tilted his chin up, and pressed his horn to her own. Sombra let out a scream, but Twilight promptly sealed his lips shut. The horns now touching, Twilight's horn started to glow. Sparking black magic began to flow from Sombra's horn to Twilight's. After a moment, she drew her head back, pulling a last bit of magic from Sombra. She let out a relaxed sigh, daintily stepping back.

"Twilight!" Starlight complained. "You took more than your fair share."

Twilight rolled her eyes. "Whatever. Just make sure there's enough left to share between the three of you." With that, she zapped herself off to a couch, her magic looking even brighter than before.

Starlight let out a huff, and stepped up to Sombra. Once again, after touching her horn to his, she sucked out some more magic. Sunset did the same, until only Trixie was left.

"Hey! You did not leave much left for the Great and Powerful Trixie!" Trixie shouted angrily. Sunset and Starlight exchanged an annoyed glance. While nonpony acknowledged it, they all knew Trixie was the least powerful out of the four. Sure, she was better at magic than your average unicorn, but not as good as Twilight, Starlight, or Sunset. None the less, Trixie sucked out the final bit of magic from Sombra, leaving only sparks to fizzle out at the tip of his horn. With a heaving sigh, Sombra collapsed. He was much smaller without his magic, not physically, but with his shoulders hunched and head bowed. His cutie mark was still on the side of his flank, but even that seemed duller than before. Perhaps the most shocking change was his eyes. They no longer glowed green, but were a now a crimson red.

Trixie zapped over to Twilight and the others. She nodded in Sombra's direction. "What're we gonna do about him?" She asked.

Twilight shrugged. "Zap him to the dungeons, will you?"

Trixie nodded, proceeding to zap Sombra to a cavern far below them, where it was dark, dank, and musty.

"Starlight, where were you earlier? Trixie said something about you being in Apploosa?" Sunset asked.

Starlight let out a terrifying laugh. "Ah yes, Apploosa. Charming place, really. I was just in there to look for some unicorns that might be useful to us later on." She sniffed. "But its rather full of only Earth ponies."

"Hmm." Sunset said, now uninterested. Suddenly Twilight yelped.

"It's getting early, I have to go! Celestia will be raising the sun soon, and who knows when my friends will be around. Gotta run!" With that, Twilight zapped herself out of the cavern and back into her castle.

Sunset, Trixie, and Starlight sat in silence for a moment.

"Did she just...?" Trixie started.

"I think she did." Sunset said.

"She zapped herself out of this cavern before even going into the entrance room. She zapped straight past all those magical barriers." Starlight said, musing over the fact. "Our little Twily seems to be getting used to those new alicorn powers more with each passing day."

The three continued to talk for another hour, before bidding each other a good morning and zapping themselves back to home.

Meanwhile, back in the caste, Twilight woke Spike up, hearing her friends already bounding down the halls this early.

"Come on Spike. My friends are here." They both got up, and went down to meet the rest of the elements.

Author's Note:

Wow! 7 down votes already. And only 4 likes. Dang. Well, I'm gonna keep writing anyway. Leave a comment to make me smile!

Also: I'm sorry for the short chapters, I just like writing a little at a time.

Comments

[ShadeTail]

While not an original concept, you're off to a decent start with it. I'm not going to rate your story yet because it's not long enough, but I'll be seeing where you take it.

Your writing style does need some work. It's pretty bland, basically just going from A to B without much description or embellishment. Also, you have the occasional awkward word use. I suggest finding an editor or pre-reader. This is a good place to look for them.

[KubaFang]

agreed with Shade Tail, and now you have 6 likes. :)

[DiscordFan]

Hmm...

Quality or Quantity?

You have chosen Quantity.

A strange decision since more prefer Quality, including myself.

And stories aren't for the readers. They're for the writer to express their thoughts and fantasies.

Do me favor, and chose Quality.

[immolation12]

Liking the concept, not so much the writing. Your general word choice and sentence structure could use some work. An example of this is your constant use of 'zap' when referring to teleportation. It's just awkward to read.
The plot is also a little lacking. While it may be your choice to just drop us in medias res, some explanation would be helpful as to why they're all working together, how they met, what their ultimate goal is, how Twilight is able to hide everything, etc. Most writers tend to do flashbacks for this sort of thing, but other options include dialogue or reminiscing.

[horizon]

Congratulations on writing your first fic!

You've got the core of a good story here. It's not there yet, but that's no reason to stop. As they say, everyone's got great stories in them, but the only way to dig down to them is to get all of your not-great stories out of the way.

You've done a good job teasing out some subtle details in the story through showing — such as the first approach to the hidden secret lair, where Twilight has to teleport to the cave and walk in, and the reason she couldn't get there directly becomes a plot point in chapter 2. There are a few places where this stumbles — such as referring to the group as "the four most powerful unicorns" in Equestria, when you're explicitly setting the story after Twilight has become an alicorn. (I don't think you can have it both ways. If you're only counting unicorns, Twilight's not one. If you're counting alicorns too, then you have the other Princesses to factor into the power ratings.) I like that you're showing some internal divisions in the group, and the little detail about Trixie not being respected; that sets up some interesting conflicts for later.

It seemed very strange to me that you're using Starlight Glimmer as a character, whose entire power set revolves around removing Cutie Marks, and yet they only sucked out Sombra's magic through his horn rather than taking his special talent away. Make sure that you actually use the powers/abilities/characteristics of the characters you include, otherwise they become generic.

It's also worth noting that there are a number of basic mistakes in the text. My guess is that you've run it through a spell-checker, which is good, but it's always worth re-reading through after you finish writing, to double-check that everything you wrote is what you meant to say:

to reveal in enchanted tunnel

His royal caped flowed around him

Meanwhile, back in the caste, Twilight woke Spike up

That sort of rereading could also help you notice when you're writing repetitively, such as the overuse of "zapped" that 5926443 mentioned.

The good news is that that problem is, essentially, surface polish. A small amount of extra effort there makes a big difference to presentation.

The craft of writing is about being able to tell the story you're trying to tell, in a way readers enjoy. Keep working on the first, and keep on writing, and work with other authors on your editing skills, and the second will follow naturally. Best of luck with your writing career!

Best,
h

[garfan]

7061068 because of them betraying everything they believe it

[drax2471]

tis good need more

[swiftwriter14]

Its like akatsuki in naruto where they capture a bijuu and drain them btw pretty good fic w8 for more

[xDARKxALLxSEERx]

it sound so great but I am not two chapter kind of reader cant wait for you make more becuse I binge read. ahaha

[ValNitak Choas]

good start, I do like evil twilight, and twilight got to figure out how to turn the other into alicrons unless she plan on drain them of they magic as well later on.....

[CCC]

Hmmmm. You've got a good start here, I'd be interested to see where you go with it.

[brisa_mlp]

7067742
and whats wrong with that

[Vigriff]

Shame you stopped writing and are no longer on this site, I was really looking forward to what you had in store for the leaders of Equestria.

[Bread-Kun]

Continue?