Twilight Sparkle, Princess of Friendship, Princess Celestia's most faithful student, has a secret, a secret that could very well get her executed. She is the leader of a group of powerful unicorns- Trixie Lulamoon, Sunset Shimmer, Starlight Glimmer, and herself. The four of them are bent on overthrowing the princesses and ruling Equestria together, and they sure don't care about taking the throne peacefully. The only thing that matters is power, and they will do what they have to get it. But for Twilight, leading the group isn't easy: She is watched closely by Princess Celestia herself, and has five close friends from who she must keep her secret. But nothing has ever stopped her from defeating her goal, no matter what. And nothing is about to change that now. But she must remember: Anyone can betray anyone.
No.
I really like this story.
Your supporter
~Midnight Shine
P.s
I might get thumbs down on my commit but... Keep this story up. Don't let the thumbs down put you down. It's your story and I believe it has great potential.
Intriguing.
I shall see where will this leads.
This is very promising. You are going to get trouble from Twilight fans who can't accept her as evil, but seeing as how you have laid down the proper framework for it (setting it up as an AU, revealing Twilight's motives and her villainous attitude so it's clear she's not her canon version), I can definitely get behind it.
I agree with 5918452 that you'll get thumbs down, but don't let that hinder you. Write what you want to write. I look forward to seeing how this turns out.
5919555 im a twi fan, but im okay with twi becoming evil. If she kills her friends...i wouldn't be okay with that.
5919602 Don't worry, I'm not planning on killing off Twilight's friends
5918452 Thank you!! Your support really helps me
While not an original concept, you're off to a decent start with it. I'm not going to rate your story yet because it's not long enough, but I'll be seeing where you take it.
Your writing style does need some work. It's pretty bland, basically just going from A to B without much description or embellishment. Also, you have the occasional awkward word use. I suggest finding an editor or pre-reader. This is a good place to look for them.
agreed with Shade Tail, and now you have 6 likes. :)
Hmm...
Quality or Quantity?
You have chosen Quantity.
A strange decision since more prefer Quality, including myself.
And stories aren't for the readers. They're for the writer to express their thoughts and fantasies.
Do me favor, and chose Quality.
Liking the concept, not so much the writing. Your general word choice and sentence structure could use some work. An example of this is your constant use of 'zap' when referring to teleportation. It's just awkward to read.
The plot is also a little lacking. While it may be your choice to just drop us in medias res, some explanation would be helpful as to why they're all working together, how they met, what their ultimate goal is, how Twilight is able to hide everything, etc. Most writers tend to do flashbacks for this sort of thing, but other options include dialogue or reminiscing.
Congratulations on writing your first fic!
You've got the core of a good story here. It's not there yet, but that's no reason to stop. As they say, everyone's got great stories in them, but the only way to dig down to them is to get all of your not-great stories out of the way.
You've done a good job teasing out some subtle details in the story through showing — such as the first approach to the hidden secret lair, where Twilight has to teleport to the cave and walk in, and the reason she couldn't get there directly becomes a plot point in chapter 2. There are a few places where this stumbles — such as referring to the group as "the four most powerful unicorns" in Equestria, when you're explicitly setting the story after Twilight has become an alicorn. (I don't think you can have it both ways. If you're only counting unicorns, Twilight's not one. If you're counting alicorns too, then you have the other Princesses to factor into the power ratings.) I like that you're showing some internal divisions in the group, and the little detail about Trixie not being respected; that sets up some interesting conflicts for later.
It seemed very strange to me that you're using Starlight Glimmer as a character, whose entire power set revolves around removing Cutie Marks, and yet they only sucked out Sombra's magic through his horn rather than taking his special talent away. Make sure that you actually use the powers/abilities/characteristics of the characters you include, otherwise they become generic.
It's also worth noting that there are a number of basic mistakes in the text. My guess is that you've run it through a spell-checker, which is good, but it's always worth re-reading through after you finish writing, to double-check that everything you wrote is what you meant to say:
That sort of rereading could also help you notice when you're writing repetitively, such as the overuse of "zapped" that 5926443 mentioned.
The good news is that that problem is, essentially, surface polish. A small amount of extra effort there makes a big difference to presentation.
The craft of writing is about being able to tell the story you're trying to tell, in a way readers enjoy. Keep working on the first, and keep on writing, and work with other authors on your editing skills, and the second will follow naturally.
Best of luck with your writing career!
Best,
h
Well, this is rather interesting. Keep up the good work!
5918319
And why not? I dislike Trixie as much as of the next person but the Trixie, Twilight and Sunset pairing has been fanon for quite some time now...
7061068 because of them betraying everything they believe it
tis good need more
Its like akatsuki in naruto where they capture a bijuu and drain them btw pretty good fic w8 for more
it sound so great but I am not two chapter kind of reader cant wait for you make more becuse I binge read. ahaha
good start, I do like evil twilight, and twilight got to figure out how to turn the other into alicrons unless she plan on drain them of they magic as well later on.....
Hmmmm. You've got a good start here, I'd be interested to see where you go with it.
This seems interesting not in a bad way or that the story is strange
7067742
and whats wrong with that
Shame you stopped writing and are no longer on this site, I was really looking forward to what you had in store for the leaders of Equestria.
Continue?
Why dont you continue this? I love this story so much and its so good so far.
10580000
I fully, 100% agree :)