I would first like to thank the story My Princess Alluring by Lapiz-Lazuli and Inky J. You guys did some fantastic work with that. And I make this fanfiction in your honor. Kinda.
The cover image, it's not mine, and I will take it down if the artist contacts me.
I have a friend encouraging me to write this, bless his heart.
Paradoxes don't normally occur. But when they do, they can be quite... life changing. In a universe, quite different from that which is known, many things can be different.
Say that, Shining Armor never was born. Sombra never existed. The Crystal Kingdom never did stand.
...Twilight Sparkle wasn't born a mare.
Maybe it's life that has to be seen played out to understand...
Chapters (1)
5840610 A story can never be considered a mess in its writing. Its grammar yes but its concept? You cannot say its a mess because you don't like it. Her/his story could be a work of art in someones eyes, that is the beauty of writing. My stories aren't exactly popular and I don't get many responses from others but I still enjoy writing.
I don't mind what people say but don't you care how this message could effect someones future writing?
5840835 I like it how you have to prove your point and defend yourself. Common human instinct. I'm not even going to retaliate towards you.
Also one thing your comment on saying; "Actually, I do and don't. The latter because this is the fucking internet, I can say whatever I please" you will get a rude awakening one day.
A lot of things on your reply I do fully agree with but some of your motives I do not.
How do you become ''Roughly 20''?
5841066 Well, nothing's perfect. I did happen to be writing this close to 1 am. A bit Iffy, but I am happy with what I wrote.
In my mind saying "Roughly 20" meant that he must've became 20, but looks or acts a different age.
This needs serious editing and proofreading, and for an alt-history you're doing an awful lot of leaning on readers' knowledge of the show and not actually writing in any meaningful changes. It comes off as lazy, honestly - skipping over all the Mane 6 introductions robs you of a chance to actually characterize Dusk Shine, which you're really lacking at the moment.
5841183 I understand that writing this at such a late (early?) time made that chapter not be as well written as you wanted to but when you refer to the age of somepony and say ''This pony is 20 years old'' it's not referring to their level of maturity but strictly their age, so it should be 20 years old, it would only seem that you should use the term ''roughly'' in front of an age if the age of that pony was uncertain ex: ''he looked roughly 20 years old''.
5841363 Yeah, I can see your point.
5841356 Oh, did I now? I thought the prologue gave the idea, the chapters would give the solid evidence?
Chapter 1 is planned to be a bit more than double the length of the prologue with much more in depth thought. Gonna take a few days.
Sombra doesn't exist? Downvote ur clearly Satan
Edit: And NO SPIKE!!!!!
I will eat your soul!!!
Btw cadance n dusk that's cute....... Overall I like it
5841751
Repeating this post. Also:
There's nothing but wrong in this whole paragraph. Hideously written, skipping everything important to the story, reduce it to a single paragraph and desperately trying to use BIG LETTERS to emphasize certain actions which author was too lazy to write. Leave it out completely or invest in it.
If you didn't want to write the first half of the first episode, you could have just skipped the whole two parter completely instead of creating this atrocity.
You are sort of relying on the reader interpreting things differently with twilight as a stallion and Cadence in place of Spike, but I didn't see a why for the lack of Spike.
Then you bypass all the events leading to NMM's return, have no interaction between her, Dusk, and Cadence, and jump ahead. There were prime opportunities to show off how say, Cadence would react to her aunt being kidnapped.
You have an interesting idea, you just need to let us see it in action. It feels like you're only showing us major differences so far, and it makes things feel a little disjointed.
All the same, I'm interested enough to stick around for another chapter or two, given this is only a prologue.
no shining armor? check
, no Sombra?....i don´t care, Male Twilight.......interessting, Cadance isn´t to sappy because there is no Shining armor??? This is one of the times i want to give an upvote for the story idea itself, i read it later today or tomorrow, then i have a better judgement.
I just have read there is no Spike, so no Spike X Rarity?
hmmm to be honest i didn´t thought Cadance would already take the place of his Marefriend, but well i wasn´t really hoping for any other Mare.
I hope you don´t rush anymore of the story, some of the next scenes you shoud probably really write down, please don´t skip it too.
I guess with Nightmare Moon, you have probably skipped a more important part of the story, or rather this chapter.
While i think Cadance made a different Stallion out of him, i would have thought that he would be a little bit more resistant towards the friends thing or something like that.
I admit, that i had maybe liked it a little bit more, if there would be a romance, that still had to be developed, but this isn´t to important, i guess what i want to ask is, that i would like it if Cadance would not be the solution for any Problem he would encounter on his adventures.
you know what i mean, he don´t like something, Cadance is telling him he should do it, and suddenly he is doing it, while it could work like that, i would like it if there is something he really don´t like, that either another one of his friends have to try to help him, or that he just won´t do it.
You should probably make the chapter longer, if you would not skip to much, this would probably already have around 2.500 words i guess.
5840610 i guess you made it worse than it actually is, it is still early enough for him to make it better.
5842685 You have a few errors in your comment like, "which author" should be "in which the author was too lazy to write this story". And if you have a problem with my comment, you take it up with the author. But overall I agree with you.
And Dusk will have a hell of a time to rule the kingdom.
new chapter please