The Tale of New Beginnings

Thrown out of her home at the age of 18, a stressed and confused Alicorn by the name of Violet Raindrop. The only way to return home? She had to find a husband, or as her father put it "An Heir to the throne." Having crossed into Equestria through her fathers magic, Violet must now venture forth and either choose to return home for her rightful place in the kingdom, or make a new life in this new world. (Light Gore- Only found in the dreams of Violet, and sometimes her thoughts of those dreams)

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Comments ( 7 )

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jazzie366 FLUFFKIN

jazzie366 FLUFFKIN #1 · Apr 1st, 2015 · · ·

I can see your mind and heart were in the right place when It came to writing this, and I do see it needs a bit of work.
If you're willing, I'd gladly help you clean up this story to make it more easily readable and so it can cleaned up (less choppy and more significance to certain parts, details here and there, etc.)
Just send me a PM and I'll get back to you ASAP.

Comment posted by PrinERROR deleted Apr 1st, 2015

thechicken95

thechicken95 #3 · Apr 1st, 2015 · 1 · 1 ·

Violet Raindrop is the third daughter of Prince Shadowmane and Princess Stormycreek, daughter of the late King of Nightfall, a kingdom in the 2nd dimension of the commonly heard of Equestria.

And already I don't care. Look, a bio isn't a way to introduce us to your character. Start off with an opening scene.

daughter of the late King of Nightfall, a kingdom in the 2nd dimension

-Way too edgy. Nightfall?
-Also what are the dimensions? I'm assuming that they might be important later on, but they're not explained.

April Showers, vanished one night, and nopony had ever figured out where she went, but Violet thinks her father sent her into a different dimension to bring home a husband..

Why? Why would she do that?

It took 6 years for her to start to talk to anypony about anything.

I don't care. Seriously, I don't. Maybe if you could show us their bond then I might care a little more.

Her mother agreed as long as Violet promised to at least try to make friends in the kingdom.

This doesn't make any sense. You had just stated that Violet had friends, so why does her mom tell her to make some? I assume her mom knows about her friends as she's talking again.

she soon found herself in the middle of a dark forest that seemed unfamiliar to her compared to the black forest of her home.

Why is it always Everfree...?

She introduced herself as Rainbow Dash.

No. No. No! As a new writer never do this. Is it neccessary to the story that the character is Rainbow Dash? If so, then show us that it is. If not, then a background pony or another OC works just fine.

And I decided it was best to not include any actual dialogue until I could comfortably take the personalities and use them to further the story.

You did this in one draft didn't you? I'm not trying to sound mean with this review, but that's what it looks like. IMO it's a really good idea to get the personalities of your characters down before you write the story.

Hope this helps!

Comment posted by Emraldilian deleted Apr 1st, 2015

Comment posted by Commissar Rarity deleted Apr 1st, 2015

Commissar Rarity

Commissar Rarity #6 · Apr 1st, 2015 · · ·

I think I posted a comment meant for the stupid April Fools site blog on this story and if so I apologize and you were right to delete my retardation.

if not wtf bro what'd I even say?

Violet Raindrop