I'm an eldritch abomination who likes to garden and make pop culture refrences
It's a normal day in ponyville, only one problem. Rainbow Dash has slept in again! Princess Twilight Sparkle decides, this time, to help her sleepy friend. This leads to a series of errors that will have serious repercussions on the future of ponyville.
Edited and hopefully improved! At the very least I think my Spelling, Grammar, and capitalization are better.
Cover used with permission from Magello. All glory to Magello!
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Your punctuation is sloppy and your capitalization is very hit-and-miss. Fix it.
It's not a good story, your pacing is off, your grammar is worse. The story is distasteful when in return has so much potential. The beginning was cluttered and the ending was messy. This story is really bad and needs help.
On the contrary...My deepest apologies if that hurt your feelings, I know you tried but it's pacing really takes away from it.
I didn't really spend much time on this one. I guess it shows
5654709 Yeah, you should never attempt too rush a story and think it will get praise.....
5654778
I wasn't expecting praise. I was expecting it to not be 'shitting pants in public' levels of bad. Earnestly, given the reason and conditions under which it was written, I should not be as surprised as I am that it was actively bad. Hopefully I have fixed that
I bid thee good day, citizen, and pray that I find thee in good health. I have come to provide thee with mine own thoughts concerning thy fic, as I have done over the past few days for a number of other authors. I would warn thee that I shall not blunt my commentary merely for the sake of preserving thy dignity. Thick skin is something an author should develop early, so that she mayeth weather criticism such as the kind I shall level against thee. However, also note that I will not go out of my way to debase thee, or thy work.
With all that said, let us be off!
And what have we here but a weather report for the very first sentence. Author, thou wouldst do well to avoid opening lines like this. They do little to catch and hold the reader’s attention, which is exactly what an opening sentence must do.
Oh, dear. This passage smacketh of thesaurus abuse, and badly at that. Although thine use of vocabulary is technically correct, stylistically, it serveth merely to confuse the reader and pull her from the story. Thou needest to consider thine audience. Half of thy readers will not know what “gormless” meaneth, and the other half will think it some term out of Warhammer.
Also, “higgledy piggledy” soundeth odd in mine ears, but ‘tis more of a subjective issue than an objective one. I suggest that thou avoidest such terms, but ‘tis thy business.
Er… is this a joke? The “Twilight Zone” because she is “Twilight Sparkle”? Very well, if thou wishest. Kindly take note of my extremely dubious tone of voice.
‘Tis unacceptable to skip over significant plot points such as this, unless thou hast a particular reason for doing so. How did Twilight fix the weather? What did everything look like when she did so? What happened immediately thereafter? By skipping this scene, thou leavest thy readers “in the lurch”, so to speak.
Regardless, Twilight hath “fixed” the weather, and now sitteth wrapped in a blanket, having a drink and a read. Then, ‘lo! Who should appear but fair Applejack.
I have noticed that, thus far, thou hast neglected to provide much in the way of descriptions of characters. Such narrative is necessary, so that the reader can deduce how each character feeleth. The previously quoted passage, for example, provideth virtually no clues whatsoever as to Twilight’s thoughts and emotions when Applejack endangereth the books. Methinks her eyes would go wide, her blood would run cold when she realizeth that her precious books are in danger.
No! Author, no! I say thee ‘neigh’ (a bit of horse humor for thee)! ‘Tis simply unacceptable to skip over important narrative points, such as the arrival of two characters. Even if thou wishest to have them appear suddenly, as though from nowhere, thou needest must describe it as such. ‘Twould also do thy story well to describe Applejack’s shock at their surprise appearance.
Moving on, thou hast Fluttershy explaineth why she needeth Twilight’s help. Do note that thou showest her shrinking back. I do believe that by this point, dear Fluttershy is comfortable enough around all of her friends that she would not fear speaking to them.
As Spike attempteth to garner Twilight’s attention, Rainbow Dash appeareth. She hath noticed (finally? A whole day hath passed, but oh well) that somepony hath tampered with the weather, but for some odd reason, is unable to change it. I find it difficult to believe that Twilight Sparkle, not even qualified to be called a novice at weather management, could do something that Rainbow Dash, an alleged expert, could not un-do. Perhaps thou meanest to say that, by virtue of being an alicorn, every act of Twilight’s is better than a similar act committed by a pegasus or a unicorn (aka alicorn master race). Again, however, this may be more of a subjective issue than an objective one.
Rarity appeareth (apparently, her roof hath a leak), and now the gang’s all here. Suddenly, a new problem croppeth up—there is a fire in the kitchen! Why is there a fire in the kitchen? Because reasons! When something happeneth, author, thou needest provide some sort of context that explaineth why.
Anyway, after Twilight extinguisheth the fire, she steppeth out to fix what she hath created. ‘Tis unfortunately too difficult for her to do the normal way, so she attempteth to use her magic. After all, what could go wrong?
Day two findeth Twilight recuperating in the hospital. Thy depiction of Nurse Redheart is a bit… odd. She nearly biteth off Twilight’s head, only keeping her tongue in check at the very last second.
As thou beginst day three, we find Twilight once more at home. Apparently, Ponyville is several feet underwater. Twilight leaveth again to research a solution (which methinks is what she would have done in the first place, but again—OH WELL). Further, ‘tis a bit much of thee to ask the reader to believe that Twilight noticeth not pancakes attached to her person.
Ponyville already is flooded. ‘Tis a bit too late for that, now.
Also, ‘twould be far better to write out the scene in which the mayor proclaimeth a state of emergency.
So Equestrians everywhere go to designated “doomsday bunkers”… okay. I feel as though a lot of thy story hath left me saying, “’tis awkward and hard to believe, but if thou wishest it that way, fine”. Perhaps one or two moments in a single story can be glossed over, but thou hast far too many for comfort.
And by mine own majesty, this section is pretty dark. Naught but desolation everywhere. Thou even hintest that the animals in the Everfree Forest are dying as Twilight saveth her personal belongings, rather than try to fix her mess.
And that is where I draw the line. No, I shall not accept this stretch of character. Yes, Twilight loveth her books. But dost thou know what Twilight loveth more?
Not being responsible for the deaths of literally everyone in Equestria!
NO!
Yes, we know that. Thou told us this about a thousand words ago.
No, ‘twas not I. If I had known who was responsible for this catastrophe, I would have appeared before her much sooner and beaten her to death.
Why in a cast? What possible affliction could require that the doctor placeth Twilight’s horn in a cast? Did it snap in half? If so, a cast will not do much good, will it?
On day seven, Celestia and myself finally learn what hath occurred and attempt to end the storm ourselves. This maketh no sense. Days ago, Ponyville flooded, a scenario that should never occur in a world where the weather is almost entirely controlled. We would have long since known about this.
Then, as another day cometh, Twilight barricadeth herself in a library and simply sobbeth to herself, because this is helpful. Later, the Elements are brought out, but they, too, fail to stop the hurricane. As the days pass, Twilight is finally shunned, but as she sitteth out in the middle of nowhere, she decideth to go back in time to try to make things right. This is thy “twist”, that everything goes wrong because another Twilight hath come back and thrown off the original Twilight’s calculations.
I would ask how the loop began in the first place if the only reason for her mistake was a future Twilight’s interference, but I will admit that I no longer care. I finally read thine author’s note about how this is a comment on the way so many fics begin with a weather report, and still find such an opening unacceptable.
Although my blinding rage is far from satiated, I shall restrain myself and simply provide my final thoughts. First is that many of thy characters act very oddly, such as Twilight abandoning Equestria for a day simply to rescue her books. ‘Tis very unsettling to see such out-of-character moments.
Secondly, I noted that at least half of the characters did almost nothing and had almost no characterization at all. Take Rarity, for instance. It seemeth as though thou includest her simply because she is “part of the gang”. ‘Tis not a justifiable reason.
Thou also shouldst balance each day better. In particular, the short days need to be expanded so they do not stand out in such stark contrast to the longer days.
And finally, thou needest a proofreader, and badly. I noted a great many errors, from capitalization to incorrect dialogue formatting, each of which threateneth to pull the reader out of the story.
I believe that I have covered most of the major problems. ‘Twas a bit frustrating at times (as thou hast determined already, I do not doubt) simply because many of the events made no sense. If thou wishest to improve thy fic, I highly suggest that thou considerest the feasibility of all of the inconsistencies that I pointed out.
Farewell, and good luck with thy future writing endeavors.