One day, Luna falls asleep as normal. However, this sleep is not the same as others, as she has a visitor within her own mind.
In my opinion, this isn't that great. However, if you all enjoy it, I might consider making more. Point out ANY and ALL mistakes you notice, and be as blunt as you wish. I want this to be as good as possible. Give me your honest opinions, and worry not about being persecuted. At least, not by myself.
I made it dark because I'm not sure. Advice on tagging this is appreciated and welcome.
Chapters (1)
1st paragrah, 5th sentence:
"She raised a hoof, and could see it, but when she cast a light, nothing else came into view, so she extinguished it."
I can't help but think that sentence has a lot happening in it all at once.
Is there a way you could break it up a bit and not rush events all together like that?
559718
Thank you, Tundra. I'll get right on that.
EDIT: Better?
562720
Yeah, it looks better.
562763
Thank you. If you notice anything else, please let me know.
My only problem with this is it felt a little rushed and predictable. Other than that, I liked it. Please keep writing.
563253
Encouragement to continue!
This is something I did not expect, honestly. Oh, well. Once I come up with another idea, we'll see.
We'll all see.
" She flew straight up for a few hundred thousand feet, and looked around at the night and its beauty" I love how (assuming 300000 feet) she just flies up above the region in the atmosphere where meteors happen and up to where the aurora borealis happens like its no big deal
708111
Forgive me if I sound like I'm making an excuse, but it made sense at 4 in the morning.
I'll fix it right away. Many thanks.
EDIT: Better?