sorry if this one is a bit dry, had to be done to get the basic feel of how Twilight starts out rather boringly

Yeah. I can see that she would start out rather weak. It would make for a kind of dull story if she was super powerful right off the bat. Training arcs are annoying but necessary. And what better way to start, then by seeing what she can do now and then moving on from there? Nice work.

Not bad, but needs some editing.
Still, looking forward to the rest

This seems interesting, i shall follow to see were it goes.

It's quite an interesting chapter, dry, but necessary. Good job.

Explaining new concepts is always a bit dry, don't worry.
It's still a bit quick though. Maybe this will help you. Don't think about the exciting parts where you want to go later. Think about how to make the best out of each step in your story. Create mood. Create depth. Create character.

548178 that first part is literally impossible for me because how I write is i have a single idea. in this case, Twilight Vampony. then i think of major events, liek the attack and the vampirism. then I write what happens before and after, it's just the way my mind structures my writing, most of the story goes directly from my mind to the chapter without prior thinking on it, only thing to go by is the exciting even I am building up to/ going down from.
as for the last part I try my best but sometimes my mind doesn't want to work with me that day so it ends up a bit stale

sorry if i come by a bit harsh, but... you definitly should read more storys. the list of mistakes in this story and your big alicorn-twilight-good-nightmarmoon-shipping-anypony-story is so big, that i can't stand to read it, even if your plot seems interesting.

try to read at least 50% of the 6-star stories on EqD with an adventure-tag. and then compare their writing to yours. after that you should really take time for chapters. and probally get some pre-readers who could tell you in depth about every mistake.

hey dont worry cant be only action good stories needs some slower parts, keep writing to you

Im liking this story so far, please write more soon

548431 I'm going to disregard this comment because everything has already been hit upon in previous comments

“That depends on you...but I said it's an endurance test for a reason.” Luna replied. Twilight nodded and got ready.

She didn't say it was an endurance test.

“I've seen enough crazy stuff in this town...and it's not like you could bite me if you wanted to, scales.” Spike said with a smirk.

24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8zp92MASs1rwgi2bo2_1280.png

And this is the point where I call it quits.
I like Twi-vampony, but the execution with this story is atrocious.

Meh... Nothing really good or bad here...

Well... So far this story has been dissapointing due to mistakes and rather wierd story, BUT I will continue reading because I believe that the story still is salvagable.

I´m all for TwiLuna, but you introduce it awkwardly and make Twilight way too accepting of it after only about three very fractured sentances.
I´m sorry, I can´t read this anymore.

4073774 dont be so damn picky i could care less about the absurdly fast development of said twiluna im more interested in the story

*Squeeeee*h

The vampire part seems hokey, at least the part where it implies Luna loves Twilight. I have to say that they would not have made that restriction apply to those who created the condition/spell, and of course, Luna isn't one, so any conditions are artificial, along with the spell itself.

It would make sense if it could not be spread by the vampires THEMSELVES without love being involved, but that restriction existing on the original person to bestow it does not really make sense (as the creators, they can specify what it has, and have root access around any restrictions that would exist for the target). Also, the original versions had no such restriction. She could just have used one of the earlier ones.

For that matter, other than reasons of plot (of either kind, PHRASING!), why would she not use one of the original spells? By all accounts, those are superior, and I think the Elements of Harmony are arguably THE most incorruptible.

“Now, I want to test you...” Luna said, walking forward and putting Twilight into a forced slumber.

Reading between the lines:
Luna conjured a baseball bat, bonking Twilight in the back of the head and sending her straight into Dreamland.

“I couldn't hate somepony for trying to help...and, I guess I can live with it...but I'd need more time to get the hang of it...some time to think about my feelings would be nice too...” Twilight said.

Ya, knowing Twilight and how she acts in the show (mainly from how she easily forgave everyone in the Canterlot wedding even though she should have been really pissed off) it's safe to say that as long as your trying to help her in any way possible even if it turns her into a monster, she won't hate you for it.

I'm surprised the TwiLuna bit came this fast, wasn't expecting that, usually there's a building to these things but ok.