was going to post this an hour ago, got caught up watching a knight's tale

545874 yeah, the bus made my laptop derp with the backspace

;3

545883 Shitty, but I get what you meant.

so how frequent will updates pop out

Nice, I'll see how it goes.

Another update already! Sweetness!

I am loving this story. Thanks for sharing \m/

545920 once a day until i run out of steam, at least I'll try. if it gets popular enough it'll take higher priority when I start going back to my other fics though

Pacing was better, story was great, and much less typos. I only saw one while reading through normally. Would have liked to see Luna react a bit more to Twilight's recovery speed considering she said it could be days before she recovered. Keep it up, going strong so far.

546141ah those little minor details : / she is a vampony after all...

546149 I know and apparently a pure-blood one and that, and she is Twilight Sparkle. Didn't have to be much, just a few lines would have been nice is all. I'm very anal about consistency and callbacks to previous events. If someone says something and it is referred to later in an event or dialogue I want to see at least a mention of it even if its only one or two sentences. But I am picky, so yea feel free to ignore me .

546184 eh, the little things sometimes escape my mind when later events for the chapter are currently overpowering all thought. can't be helped too much other than to put it as a filler conversation later

545520
For you convenience and perusal i have included color and Meme forms.
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This seems like a knock off of the vampony series from another artist... and concept seems same

Oh, I love those vampony stories :)

Sadly, I never finished my own

I just don't see where this is going to go yet, except for the clop.

545253

Why do I always see you whenever I look for stories!!!!
(It's not a bad thing btw)

favorited and a to you good sir

so incredibly awesome! im so looking forward to more!
"“I see...so...about that...you said...Vampirism can only be given to those you truly love?” Twilight asked cautiously."
i was so sure she was gonna take longer than that to get it! i look forward to seeing how luna will handles that one!

on another note: im feeling analytical; so im gonna point out the potential errors i found (some of those i picked up i might have perceived as an error in my haste, while in fact; they were not...and i don't have every rule in english down perfectly yet):
chapter 1:
"this won't be hard to watch"
im guessing you mean to say "this will be to hard to watch" or "this won't be easy to watch" or something similar to that

"“Of course...Spike, write to Celestia and I when she wakes...but that might be days later, depending on how fast she recovers...”"
sounds strange; "that might be days from now" or something like that sounds less strange

chapter 2:
"but there are too many vital points too close to the scar that doing so may damage, like the nerves in the eyes or even parts of the brain..."
sounds a little abrupt: "may cause more damage" might sound better?

"“I would have grieved just as great for her loss...I am very glad I was able to save her.” Luna said."
it's not twilight who suffers a loss; thus "over her loss" i think would be more appropriate; although im not certain, something about that sentence still bugs me

you seem to have an extreme love for the word "but"; it everywhere! in some places it's frankly not needed (it sounds better without it, while the sentence still says the same thing). in other places you could exchange some of them to other appropriate words in the connector group

not many grammatical errors other than what i pointed out above, there are some places where you might want to apply some type of punctuation though.

all i have to day is keep up the good work and once you start slowing down revise the old chapters and find all the little mistakes you ignored in this rough drapht that way the story looks as awsome as it is i do wonder how Queen chrysilas ties into all of this, and i do hope celestia can join in on the fun i do always love that kind of thing.

546435 i was inspired by 'the vampony chronicles' but I'm doin my best to knock out as many similarities as i can
546590 lol same, the only place i know it's going is the adventure tag later
546597 that's some of the thins I'm not the best at when it's not about a main character. the explanation of the dark gift was supposed to be lengthy and Luna was explaning it all so it was drowned in dialogue. the chapter is named 'Vampirism' for a reason
547002 i see him everywhere too...
547428 i get stuff like that a lot. I literally upload these chapters as I finish them and I'm surprised my errors are so minor. I try to go back and fix them if I see them while writing, but other than that the fimifction editing thing is kinda weird. and yeah But was used a lot, i noticed it too. as for those other errors, half of them were intentional and half of them were my brain being derpy
547573 Chrysalis comes in soon, so does Celestia. I'm still working on their integration though

Ehhh too much dialogue. You retold the entire tale of the Ursa attack, that we just read, through a dialogue

Other than that, not much else to say. I'll keep track of this, curious to see where it goes.

I am loving this so far. I wonder how Twilight will use these new powers. But PLEASE tell me she doesn't sparkle in the daytime, despite the fact that her name is TWILIGHT SPARKLE, I am hoping that that is not the case. Otherwise, great story so far. Looking forward to more.

547678

545920
Depends on how often he eats.

The capitalization and punctuation are a horrible mess, you use "..." far too often.

The syntax and run-together sentences, with very few gaps for descriptive terms is also horrid.

I'm sorry, but I can't read any further than this.

Your punctuation and grammar is terrible, which is rather surprising considering how many views and ratings this story has. Have you even asked for an editor? It honestly seems like you have put almost no thought into how the story flows or how good it looks.

Quite a few of the characters are OOC, and you seem to lack proper description in most sentences. I also have a problem with the way you use magic. Twilight gets all weak and then somehow blows herself up with and exploding shield of some sort but then has enough power to dispel magic cast by an immortal alicorn with millennia of magic training behind her?

Plus the fact that when a unicorn uses that much energy or is overpowered their horn begins to fracture and in extreme cases can crack completely, whereas Twilight somehow does not get affected by this at all. The only conclusion to make is that she wasn't trying, she just decided to blow herself up because YOLO.

And the way the chapter ends is awful. Reading this is like shoving daggers into my OCD-corrupted brain through my eyes.

I know it seems like I'm over-analyzing this, but the chapter is just about completely flawed, and I don't even want to know if the other chapters have such a clear lack of logic and effort. I have to say that I'm disappointed, I was hoping for a better story, considering the rating.

This is way too fast paced and the dialog is kinda awkward.

If twilight is a vampony then she can't see her reflection Twilight quickly limped over to the mirror, her leg still hurting. She froze when she saw the scar. It was sticking out, yet it blended in. it almost seemed like it was natural, like a birth mark, but far more sinister. She felt something else on her face and looked closely. Specifically her teeth felt weird and she tasted unfamiliar magic. She overpowered the spell, and gasped as fangs extended.[youtube=http://m.youtube.com/?reload=7&rdm=14ti542x4]

“I see...so...about that...you said...Vampirism can only be given to those you truly love?” Twilight asked cautiously.

“I see...so...about that...you said...Vampirism can only be given to those you truly love?” Twilight asked cautiously.
my reaction
i.imgur.com/Z48qsnR.gif

Sorry, there's just so many plot holes and the pacing is way too fast. They aren't even hard to fix plot holes.

Twilight not having spike message Celestia
Having Rainbowdash get to Canterlot in minutes
Having Luna AND her guard get to Ponyvile in minutes
Not being able to heal her face (trying to cover that hole with a railroading explanation rather than just having it make more sense)
Having Luna travel back to Canterlot

You're probably done with editing this story in any way but I'm just going to point out some solutions to these to make my criticism constructive for you.

You should have spike send Celestia a letter it makes alot more sense and fixes both of the first problems. The travel time to Canterlot is hours by flight and nearly a day by train (depending on the cannon you use on the train system) Having Rainbowdash get there in minutes is unbelievable even with the sonic Rainboom it would take her well over 30 minutes.

You should have Luna arrive before her guards or have them teleport to Ponyvile. If Rainbowdash making that trip is unbelievable having Luna AND her guard make it is even more unbelievable. Luna can be faster than Rainbowdash but her heavy armored guards can't be. Having Luna teleport them in with her or having her fly ahead and them getting there after healing Twilight would make more sense.

You shouldn't have healed Twilight completely aside from her face, it draws attention to the fact that you're railroading the scar. Luna and Celestia are not often potrayed as healers. Having it so Luna couldn't heal alot of the bigger wounds would have made more sense. Having fur would mean even if you write her scared the scars would only be noticed on the shorter hair parts of her body. I.E. her face would still have the scar you wanted but instead of needing to explain why Luna could heal several life threatening gaping wounds but not a facial scar wouldn't need a couple paragraphs to make sense you could just having Luna say that she did what she could.

Again having someone travel from Ponyvile to Canterlot and back like it's a trip to the corner. Spike is right there. Having Luna send Celestia a message would make more sense. If you absolutely need it to be face to face having Twilight wake up a few days later rather than immediately would give Luna as much time as she needs in Canterlot and could add drama with her friends and Celestia worrying about her.

My suggestion would be to practice more with pacing and fleshing out stories. Filler paragraphs that add context, drama, or even plot (filler adding plot could be considered foreshadowing) would pace stories far better than speeding up travel times. fast pace action doesn't need fast pace writting, when you're the author time is your tool. Using time skips, jumps, syncs and backtracking can do wonders for pacing.

6690783
6690783 Rainbow could totally get back to Canterlot in a couple minutes if it were an emergency. I mean she passed out for God's sake, if that doesn't mandate that she was going topspeed I don't know what does.