Has been a Brony since Jan. 1, 2015.
When Babs gets her Cutie Mark The CMC needs to find a replacement blank-flank. For this mission the crusader, out of pure luck, choose Canterlot. They meet and recruit a pegasus colt named Booker. But in a big city like Canterlot, starting a branch is harder than it seems.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I won't say this is is bad, but it's far from perfect.
A little formatting goes a long way, simply smooshing these four 'chapters' together creates a much nicer flow, and I wouldn't put indents if 90% of your lines are only one line paragraphs. Speaking of, you could improve this a ton if you fleshed it all out, had less dialogue, and slow the pace a little.
I probably would offer you more advice but I'm tired right now so have fun.
(Also people on this site seem to hate self-inserts, and even more so when said self-insert develops a relationship with main characters. Just a heads up.)
Good for a short description, terrible for a long description.
Hmm.
I don't know what to think about it. While on the one hand the stories offset and idea is quite nice, the execution lacks.
I haven't noticed too much typos, so I assume you can write - this is to your credit.
But I think this story has real potential.
5632994 WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY THAT?! It's not even finished yet. :/
5633104
Its not meant as an offense. But either you released it in an unfinished stadium (wich is not a good course to go, as readers expect at least a complete ready chapter) or you write the same style for your following chapters - then the critique with the lack of description applies.
And no one of the commentators here wanted to discourage you. I think they see the potential in the story. I imagine you have a good story in your mind, just waiting to come to life. You maybe just struggle with the "how".
So please don't feel insulted or discouraged.