[APRIL FOOL'S CHAPTER] Rocks - Tom & Boulder (Plus Reading by Leoshi)
We now have a reading, courtesy of Leoshi.
This is one of the most glorious things.
A big old cup of peat-moss bog-water congealed in a glass flask, which was the perfect kind of flask to hold peat-moss bog-water, and no, we don’t care that we just said that it was in a cup.
It trickled down the side every time Tom tried to take a sip, because boulders don’t normally drink, and as everyone knows, lips are an essential tool in the art of imbibing of fluids from rimmed vessels.
Tom, sadly, was lipless.
For he was a rock – specifically, a boulder, and he was there in the cafe that day to make a great impression.
Having fleed (which is now a new word) from Rarity’s bosom, he coated himself in a fine layer of shale and granite and other types of rocks that I can’t be arsed to check up on Wikipedia, and was once again the real rock that he was always meant to be, not some stupid old useless giant diamond. I mean, heck, who wants that old thing? Rarity? Rarity can go suck it. Seriously. You know how stressful it is being a diamond in Rarity’s boutique? Have you ever been a banana in a gorilla cage? At least bananas eventually get eaten, and then they’re kinda done with it. Well, let me tell you, diamonds are forever, and Rarity also is forever because she got her immortality granted by the prince of the 18th level of Bek’nobeth, which is a region in hell specially made for the vain and slightly dumb, and Rarity is a frequent patron, let me tell you what, but actually I love her so please don’t comment about this, okay? I don’t need the stress.
Tom unfolded the letter to look at it one more time – not because it was important, not because he had forgotten what it contained, but because I have to somehow communicate the reason for this plot through exposition, since all these stories so far are pretty much in media res, which means that we gotta get creative to explain backstory, yo, and sometimes people are just too damn stupid to extract it from subtle text, but again, I love you all, I’m joking, you’re all really smart please don’t thumb me down or write nasty comments or I am probably going to cry.
Having just checked the word count, the author then realised he had another 1200 words of this nonsense to fill, so he continued on.
Dearest Tom, read the letter, I am writing to you from a place very far away; from a pocket very far away. My name is Boulder, and I will be passing through your town on a journey of self-discovery and enlightenment, and I wish to exchange words with you.
The letter did not include a date, or time, or any way to get into contact, so it was lucky that rocks had extra-strataory communication.
Tom knew, with all the cracks in his body, that Boulder would be there, at that time, in this weird cafe.
It was a safe place.
It was a private place.
A place without judgement or birds.
God, they hated birds. They poop everywhere, and then all the stuff happens, and ick.
And otters. Did they mention they also hated otters? Otters pick you up, bash your face against clams, and then deposit you into the ocean where you will have to contend with sea-slugs and starfish and nudibranchs crawling all over you for the rest of your life. I mean, honestly. If someone picked you up, smashed your face against a clam, and then dropped you into the ocean…
...that’s murder.
Rocks don’t get no respect.
Without a moment to waste, the door swung open, and Boulder rolled in.
He was a smaller rock, one that could fit snugly into a vest pocket, and one who had a most fortunate life. If you saw him, you’d be able to tell from his lustrous sheen and his amazing complexion.
He rolled into the seat across from Tom and sat there, observing the other ponies in the cafe.
Boulder turned to Tom.
“...” he said.
“...”
“...?” he asked.
“.... …, … … …,” Tom replied, “... ….”
“...” Boulder sighed, leaning against his palm. It was a tough time. After a moment, he turned and looked back at his counterpart.
“...?” he asked, slowly, but it was the suggestion that irked Tom more than anything.
“...!” Tom shouted.
“......”
“...? …!”
“... – ”
“...,” Tom cut him off, “..., ….”
“...,” Boulder asked, “...?”
Tom didn’t have a reply. Was it fair to accuse Maud for this? It was true that one does not name a dwarf ‘giant’ unless they had a rather ironic sense of humour. But maybe, just maybe, it didn’t have to be something that he had to hate himself for.
“...,” Tom said, finally coming to a conclusion, smashing the table into half. “...!”
“...?”
“....” Tom pointed. There was only one last member of their family that could point the way to the truth.
The door banged open so suddenly that it had no time to fall off its hinges. The entire frame came off in this newcomer’s hand, who proceeded to lay his muscular arm across its body and smash it onto the ground with a scattering of glass and fragmented wood.
“Finally,” he yelled. “The Rock has come back to The Cafe!”
“...!” Boulder yelled.
Dwayne sauntered over to the table, staring down at the tiny little pebble. “And just who in the blue hell are you?”
“.. –”
“It doesn’t matter who you are!” Dwayne screamed, fusing the table back together with his aura. “If anyone’s got a problem with you just because you’re a tiny little jabroni jack-ass with a big-ass name, then you just get your ass into the gym and work your candy-ass until you are a boulder!
“Nobody, and The Rock means nobody, should ever tell you what you can or can’t do! And then one day, when your candy-ass ain’t so candy no more, you roll on back home, you go find this Maud Pie, and you take your size 13 boot, lube it up, and stick it up her–”
“Mr. Rock,” The Owner asked, sliding up beside him. “You appear to ha– ack!”
Dwayne grabbed The Owner by the throat, hefting him up onto his shoulders. With a great hoist, he turned him over, onto his back, smashing him straight onto Tom’s lithe frame, off which The Owner bounced and flew over to the other side of the room, careening across the bar, skidding down the nicely lacquered wood, dragging down all the glassware and lamps, and ending up in a heap behind the counter.
“You wanna go one on one with the great one?” he pointed, raising his eyebrow spectacularly.
“...,” Tom said.
“Oh.” Dwayne lowered his arm. “Then The Rock will have a People’s Coffee. No milk.”
And then Scootaloo was a zombie.
In Memoriam: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson
1743 - 1868
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Well, it's April 1st somewhere.
I'm crying... from laughing. This was the most beautiful thing I've experienced in a while, and made my day so much better.
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Rebooting brain...
What the f
ck is this?
5805917
successful.
"..."
"...." "... .... ...."
"...! ...."
Can...
Can I do a dramatic reading of this?
5806075
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But no, really, do what you feel is right. I cannot, in good conscience, recommend reading this at all, let alone dramatically. But you must travel your own path. You must lay your own smackdowns. I wish thee well, little bird. And if you deliver gifts to my door, I shall welcome them with open arms and spread legs and a thankful heart.
Also I'm really drunk right now.
Do what you feel is right.
i.imgur.com/eCVxSnm.jpg
If ya smell what the Tom is cooking! Oh, Kitsune.
It's an April Fool's Day Eve miracle!
BEST CHAPTER. END THE SERIES HERE.
(Damn, but Tom is a sassy-sue, ain't he?)
When you write mindbreak, you really write mindbreak huh?
*wanders off to the mind repair shop*
This is the greatest thing I've ever read. Dwayne Johnson... X3
*downvotes and storms off*
Also...
@TheBOULDER
5826190
Most definitely. I'm afraid I had to turn in earlier, my head was heavy and my sight grew dim. Can't wait for the next chapter!
5836020
It happens, C'est la vie Kitsune. I liked it none the less, though I was a tad confused.
5836209 I'll take it...
5836804
Well duh. Internet props!!!
5836939
That's fair. I guess I just have a soft spot for Celestia having unguarded conversations with ponies she's close to. Although, it might have been interesting if Velvet had been a real stickler for formality throughout the conversation and Celestia had to divine her true feelings on the matter.
What did I just..?
Rubber duck-y, you are the one. Who makes bath-time loads of fun!
5848491
Rubber Ducky I'm awfully fond of youuuu~
5866595
All these thoughts you're having! For the sake of convenience, let's call Owner-san a 'him 'for now. And it's quite odd, but a lot of your recent observations overlap to certain uncertain degrees. I will say, though (because this is unlikely to be approached) that The Owner's preference for coffee is simply because he, in his role, is expected to have a biasness towards coffee. After all, one would naturally assume someone who would open a flower shop to love flowers, eh? Perhaps it is a lot of running off assumption, but that is just how the Prism do.
Of course, how the cafe itself is relevant is another matter... and perhaps the more important consideration.
Thank you for commenting! I really do love them.
Surprisingly effective dialogue, and I'm not actually joking in saying that. In fairness, it probably wouldn't have worked as well without the bits of accompanying inner monologue.
I have been reading and recording this not just because of how awesome the story is, but how intelligent the story is in a philosophical level. Truly an inspiring story!
Well, thank you very much for your support, and thank you very much for leaving the comment! (Trust me, I love 'em.)
I hate to ask, but I do wonder if you mean by 'recording' what I hope it means.
I keep hearing good things about this story, maybe I should start reading it...
...after I get some hot cocoa.
5911324
Huh! Really!
Whereabouts, if you don't mind me asking?
Also, quite the delight to see you here! I'm quite humbled, in fact!
5911049 Yes I have been recording your story for the youtubes.
5912445
There was a fair amount I wanted to get through considering the length of the story, so pacing was definitely a challenge. I just hope it didn't affect your experience too much.
And thank you to everyone who has read and commented, I really appreciate it.
5913604
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Awwweeessoommmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
5915153 https://m.youtube.com/watch?list=PLUsfPG1xsn29XX_WkijCZEk4iJI5Yf3Xg&v=NHnzyGPrgT4 This should lead to the playlist of this story that i'm recording.
5915432
Ok, they really need to start fixing the 'reply notification' bug on this site.
And um.. wow. I really don't know what to say. I'm sure you don't mind, but I'm gonna be blogging about this later and sticking your videos up as links in a 'READINGS' chapter on this story. Is that okay with you?
5916008 That is perfectly fine.
5914578
Oh, not at all! It came and went in barely a moment, and I forgave it as the dialogue continued. The experience was highly positive.
5918629 All I did was search mind equals blown gif and that came up.
5919987 Really? I was just really fricken confused.
He was easily at least six of the Top 10 greatest presidents our nation has ever had.
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5953334
Yes, I feel the same way about President Barock Obama.
Suggestion:Glory Days:Ms. Lovingcup Harshwhinny and Princess CelestiaBonus points for referencing the Bruce Springsteed song.The twilight velvet chapter covered a lot of this already. I still want to see Miss Harshwhinny though.
6003331 Esle is a robot.
Clearly.
6001678
Oh man, that spinoff is amazing. The Sentry/Sparkle honeymoon episode was hilarious! I can't believe the censors let Discord get away with that visual gag!
6003511 that Datestamp though...
Starlight Glimmer, "Everyone is equal? My kind of place!"
6003219
5675539 I found The other story I was thinking of!
https://www.fimfiction.net/story/164668/8/the-corner-of-our-eyes/