After the world is devastated by cataclysmic war, a young stallion sets out to restore the old Equestria. At any cost.
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melonLord
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Wow. just, wow... it was well written, subtle and extremely dark and I loved every moment of it, so much good intentions just to end in dictatorship, betrayal and anger, it was a wild ride and definitely one of my favorite stories out the 2000+ I've read on this site, my only complaint is I can't favorite this twice.
As much as I enjoyed this story in the end, I can't help but feel it wants to be a bit longer so that Blade's downward spiral has a more natural progression to it. Some of the steps just felt a bit too large.
5565883
Thank you, glad you enjoyed it!
5577741
Yeah, I kind of agree there. I tried to draw a natural progression from one step to the next, but, looking back, I feel like I left a bit too much of Blade and the others' development "offscreen" between time-skips, with a lot of their friendship's development and eventual degradation getting told after the fact, rather than really shown with their actions. Like you said, not enough steps in the spiral.
It's not really as fully fleshed-out as I would like due to having to squeeze it under that 15000-word limit for the contest (not a great excuse, but eh), but I'd definitely like to try writing a more complete version later on.
Anyways, I'm glad you liked it, and thank you so much for the feedback!
5578382
If that happens, I'd definitely be interested in checking it out.
Very good - it really put me in mind of Apocalypse Now. I especially liked the ending (well... not 'liked' as such, but I thought it made sense and appreciated it as such.) Really good stuff.
I would... sort of agree with Csquared08's comment that it could do with being a bit longer, with a handful of extra steps, but not too many - the effect achieved by being able to read it in one sitting was *really* good, and I think that it should stay short enough to maintain that.
If you would pardon my temerity, if you are planning to write a 'complete' edition, one thing that I think would give a nice sense of continuity to each chapter / section would be to have the different time sections connected by identical actions. What I mean is something like this: the section where Sapphire meets Apple ends with Apple showing him how to fire a gun:
...he stared down the length of the rifle at the tin can some 20 feet away.
"Ya just need ta keep it niiice and steady. Don' rush - ammo's rarer than time."
With a grimace on his face, he pulled the trigger.
------
Crack. Thud. Crack. Thud. Crack. Splat.
{The next section continues}
... and the next section shows him putting those skills to use. Likewise, he smiles as he walks away from the crashed airship, and the very next chapter could start with him smiling at the ramshackle old building. It would be quite tricky to write that into some of the transitions, but I think it would add to the this leads to this leads to this leads to this leads to... what have I done...? effect that really made the story.
5585420
Sorry for not replying to this earlier. Glad you liked it, and thank you for the feedback as well!
As for the transitions, I think it's something that more or less depends on context. There are some places, like the transition from the blowup with Apple Bloom to the murder, where a bookend-type deal would have worked really well, and there are others, like the transition from him first setting off to the orthros killing, where I think a sharp contrast works a bit better. I'll definitely be taking your advice and using that for some transitions next time, though. I would have liked to include some transitions with a line of dialogue split between them as well, but I couldn't think of a good place to use that until after the fact, unfortunately.
This story moves too fast. I appreciate what you're trying to do, but I could never get a feel for the world or the characters. You might want to consider expanding it now that the contest is over.