Goodbye...Lil' Sis...
It had been three days. Three day since the accident. I still hadn't forgiven myself. I sat alone in my cloud house. My friends had tried to come and comfort me, but I couldn't face any of them yet. I feel kinda bad for pushing them away but...I just needed some time. Today was the day of the funeral. I had to be there in an hour. I didn't want to go. A lot of the time I wish I had a time machine. So that way I could save her. I was just about to get in the shower when the doorbell rang. It was probably my friends again. I sighed and walked to the door, opening it. It was Fluttershy.
"Hi Rainbow...is this a bad time? Cause I can leave if it is." She said timidly like always.
"Um...no...I-it's fine. C'mon in..." I offered as I stepped out of the way. She smiled and walked in.
"Thank you. Are you gonna be at the funeral?" She asked.
"Yeah. I was gonna get in the shower soon." I answered plainly. "Whatcha doin here?"
"I just wanted to see how you were doing...are you doing ok?"
"I guess. Doing as well as anypony would I guess. I'm gonna step into the shower real quick. Why don't you hang with Tank? I'll be out in like five minuets." I quickly suggested trying to get out of this awkward moment.
"Oh ok." She said heading to my room to play with Tank. It's not that I didn't want to talk to her...okay I didn't really want to talk to her but ey' I didn't really want to talk to anybody. I turned on the shower and stepped inside. The warm water felt soothing and relaxing on my fur. The stress and sorrow seemed to melt away. I wished I could always feel like this. I quickly washed my mane, tail, and body. I stepped out of the shower and dried off...I really didn't want to go to the funeral. I walked to my room and saw Flutters feeding Tank some lettuce.
"Oh you were out in like five minuets. When we go to the funeral...can we go together? Maybe I could stay here till you leave?" She asked. I kinda wanted to go alone, but I wasn't about to say no to Flutters.
"I...guess. I'm gonna go eat something. 30 minuets till we leave." I said as I walked out of my room and to the kitchen. As I passed through the living room I saw a pic of me and Scoots hanging up on the wall. Her first flight lesson...I sighed and continued to the kitchen. I made a Daisy sandwich with hay fires. By the time I was done eating we had to leave.
"Fluttershy. It's time to go..." I called out to her. She came out of the room with a picture of me, her, and Scoots. She was crying. I sighed and pulled her into a hug. We held the hug for a minuet before heading out the door. It was cold today with a drizzle. We flew slowly through the cold morning air to the funeral. I though about the incident. I thought about how I couldn't save her...I thought about how I...failed...the whole way there thoughts filled my head, like how I could've flown faster and how I shouldn't have froze when she jumped. It was all my fault...
When we arrived everypony else was there waiting for us. I saw Twilight, Pinkie Pie who surprisingly wasn't smiling, Applejack, Applebloom, Big Mac, Rarity, Sweetie Belle, a few guys from the weather team, and some ponies I didn't know. I saw Scoots in her coffin. She looked so peaceful. She still wore that smile. The doctor had cleaned her up and bandaged her. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were crying, and I don't blame em'. We all took our rightful places and waited. The pony who organized this whole thing gave a long boring speech about Scoots. After he was done he called Twilight up. He had a list of who to come up when. I hoped I was last. Twilight stepped up to Sootaloo's coffin where she lay peacefully.
"Well Scootaloo...I didn't really know you much but...I know you were good friends with Applebloom and Sweetie Belle. I know they adore you as a friend. I hope you rest peacefully and happily and know that we will all join you someday." Twilgiht walked back over to her seat and sat down. The stallion called up Pinkie Pie next. She bounced up to her trying to hold a fake smile.
"Hi Scootaloo. I would throw you a party but, you wouldn't have any fun. Why did you have to die? Dying isn't fun or funny or happy. It's really sad. I made you some cupcakes in the shape of you. I hope you like them. You know you were one of my bestest and favoritist customers. I hope you come back soon!" Pinkie then placed the cupcakes onto the ground beside her coffin and walked back to her seat. The stallion then called up Rarity.
"Well Darling, you were a wonderful friend to my Sweetie Belle, so thank you for that. I hope you like the coffin. I designed it after all. I hope you have a good rest till we meet again." Rarity then returned to her seat next to her sister. Applejack was called up next.
"Howdy sugercube. I want'a thank ya, for being such a good friend to Applebloom. Ya were a great filly and Ah want ya to know that. See ya later Scootaloo." Applejack placed a flower onto the dirt next to the cupcakes and took her seat again. Applebloom was called up next.
"H-hey Scoots...Ah don't know w-why ya left us...b-but Ah guess it must'a been f-for a g-good reason...D-do ya r-rem-member our last c-crusading adventure? T-to the creek? Ah r-realy miss ya and...Ah want ya b-back...I would t-trade my life fer ya...h-honest...ya were my b-best friend...p-please come back..."Applebloom managed to choke our before collapsing and sobbing hard. Applejack went and picked up her sister. As Applejack carried her back Applebloom thrashed around and screamed, "NO! T'aint fair!! She cant be gone!!! No!" before crying in Applejack's arms. Sweetie Belle was called up next.
"I-I...I m-miss..." tears started falling out of her eyes in a flood. "I-I r-really m-miss...y-you..." She barley choked out before falling on the ground sobbing loud and hard. Sweetie Belle couldn't talk anymore and walked back to her seat sobbing the whole way. Rarity took a place next to her sobbing sister, hugging her tightly. Fluttershy was called next. I knew it. I was gonna be last.
"Hi Scootaloo. I'm really sad that you are gone but you will always be in my heart. I've had many animals pass away, but you have been the hardest to let go because your not an animal. You are like a little sister to me. I hope you know that. All the animals went out to the fields and picked you a bouquet of flowers. I hope you like them." A few of teh animals went up and placed the bouquet of flowers on the dirt next to the other stuff. "I also brought you something." Fluttershy reached into her saddlebag and pulled out the picture she showed me earlier. I think I even saw a tear fall out of her eye and onto the dirt. She laid it gently onto the ground with the other things."Rest in peace little Scootaloo." She said before taking her seat again. I was finally called up. The moment I was dreading. I wanted so badly to just fly away and never return. But I couldn't...I had a duty to my little sis. I flew up to her and landed next to her coffin. I cleared my throat and sighed.
"Hey Squirt...Nice coffin?" I chuckled lightly. "Dang I suck at these...you know...goodbyes? Um...I really don't know what to say...when I saw you at the edge of the gorge...I wonder what you were doing. I was actually excited for a minuet thinking maybe you learned how to fly...but then I saw you crying...I got really worried...and then you jumped...I didn't know what to do...I was just so...shocked. The whole world just stopped..." A tear began to form in my eyes, but I kept it together. I took a deep breath and continued.
"I'm sorry...I'm so so...sorry...If I wouldn't have froze you would still be alive...and we wouldn't be hear...It's all my fault...I'm sorry..." I sniffed as a tear threatened to escape. I regained my composer and continued again. "Once I finally grasped the situation...I knew it was to late...but I tried anyways. I was...so close..." I couldn't do it anymore. A tear escaped then another. Before I knew it I was trying to speak between choked sobs. "Y-your hoof was r-right there...Like a-an inch away from my h-hoof...then you l-looked at me...and w-what you s-said. It was too late...and I k-knew it." I chuckled again. "Did you see the Sonic Rainboom I did? I-I was gonna g-give this to you...the most a-awesome filly ever..." I reached into my saddlebag and pulled out the adoption paper. Many gasps and sobs could be heard from behind me. I gently placed it on top of her cold body.
"I-I got you t-this on your b-birthday...I-I...l-love you S-Squirt...and even t-though your n-not with m-me physically any more...y-your always in m-my heart...I'm so s-sorry and...I love y-you t-to the m-moon and back...Lil' Sis. Goodbye..."
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Torroza · 15k words · 87 20 · 2.9k views
- Nocturnal Reverie · 158k words · 396 7 · 5k views
- ZeroxBrony · 2.3k words · 30 0 · 3k views
- maxxxxxx · 56k words · 156 15 · 3.9k views
- Applejackisbest · 2.9k words · 57 10 · 3.1k views
- Kaityminaj775 · 2.2k words · 68 6 · 3.8k views
- TyrannosaurusVenom · 149k words · 126 19 · 6.2k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.124 seconds
Total duration
1,117 users online
1,847,064 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Oh my god.... tears are pouring down my face right now...
Right in the feels! Have you considered consulting an editor or posting your story to a group that does constructive reviews? You wrote a really good story, but I noticed some spelling errors and improper punctuation. Proofreading would definitely make this gem an A++.
5399041
I haven't thought about it but thanks for the advice! I'll definitely look into it! Glad you liked it!
5398621
Thanks! Glad you liked it!
You can find one very helpful group through this link. I look forward to seeing more stories from you!
5399256
Thanks!
The beginning of chapter 1 starts off far too perky for a tragedy. Besides some really obvious errors, thats about it.
Might I suggest a proof reader?
5399608
Yeah someone else suggested a proofreader. I've meant to look into that. Thanks
Okie, here comes the critique.
I think the first and most obvious thing you should correct is the spelling errors. This is a very sad story, and has a lot of potential, but the many spelling errors made it difficult to stay sad. They break up the otherwise smooth flow of the story, causing me to pause, stop, wait, and second guess what I'm reading. So definitely fix that.
Next come problems in character.
Rainbow Dash, okay, she stays in character throughout the story, so that's all good and well there, at least, she mostly does. During the part where Scootaloo falls, Rainbow Dash takes waaaay to long to decided "Oh snap, I should fly now". The shock I get, and a pause is understandable, but waiting long enough for Scootaloo to fall out of her reach might be pushing it.
Applejack, yep, spot on, even got the accent right, and I can't complain about Rarity, Fluttershy, or Twilight. My biggest peeve here is Pinkie Pie, oh yes. The way she's portrayed in this story is, believe it or not, too mature. When Rainbow Dash is telling her about adopting Scootaloo, Pinkie doesn't seem all that interested. If I know Pinkie, she'd be ecstatic about the info, probably already planning a party of some kind, but instead she's focusing on her cupcakes. I know sweets are important to her, but I think parties take place over sweets for her. Then at the funeral, she seems too naive. She doesn't seem to quite grasp the concept of death, even saying she hopes Scootaloo will be back soon. We all know Pinkie is the funnest, most innocent pony ever, but even she would have to about death. If she doesn't, and that's what you were going for, then good job, but I don't think that's correct.
nest we move on to details. Well, it was descriptive story at times, but at others lacked the details I like to see all around the story. When Scootaloo died and leading up to that point, you spared no detail and portrayed the entire scene with amazing realism. Same goes for the funeral and even the time with Pinkie and Dashie, so claps for you!
*clap clap clap*
But the rest of the story felt rushed and kind of forced through more quickly then I could stay focused. Kind of like you were going "Here's what you need to know now let's get to the good part!" And I get that feeling, but you need to fight past it. Each chapter rounds off at only around 2000 or so words, but there's sooo much more potential here, just by adding detail. Instead of saying "Rainbow Dash flew from Pinkie's to Applejack's" (not exactly what you said, I know), add detail to that flight. Add how she enjoys flying, how it makes her feel free, how it makes her feel alive. In doing this, you set Rainbow up to better understand WHY Scootaloo did what she did. You can later explain how Rainbow Dash knows Scootaloo killed herself because, since she couldn't fly, she felt trapped, without joy, and dying on the inside, the exact opposite of what Rainbow Dash feels as she fly's. These details will also help to add more meaning to Scootaloo's death for the reason's mentioned above. It goes from "She wasn't happy" (I know you were more deep then that) to "She was torn inside for these reasons", and that's a more engaging and fulfilling story. I'm not gonna go into great detail about all the other details you could add (because you can add soooo many), but just keep that in mind.
And lastly, I'm not going to touch the plot much other then one little nitpick I had and that's why the heck is NO ONE questioning where Scootaloo is on her own BIRTHDAY? And why isn't there a party? Pinkie should've found out, it's Pinkie! She knows everypony's birthdays! But then, throwing that aside, why does Rainbow Dash wait all day to tell Scootaloo she's getting adopted? Sure, she wants it to be a surprise and the papers take time to fill out, I know that. But still. No kind of... IOU or "Hey, guess what's gonna happen today?" No? Okay, I guess it's not a big problem, but still...
So all in all, yeah. I personally really like this story but you should really run it past some editors before you post it, to make sure it's 100%, or at least 95% golden. And don't forget to add those details! Details can make or break a story, even if you have good everything else.
Cheers!
5425153
Well thanks! But this part...
I said at the beginning that Pinkie was planning a surprise party for Scoots. But thank you so much!
I was tearing up quite a bit, and when she said good bye lil' sis, is when i cried. plus the adoption paper thing. i couldn't take it, and my eyes became water falls of tears. There were some spelling errors, but im good at understanding what people really mean. So it didnt mess anything up for me.
5426152
Thanks I'm glad you liked it
5425255 Oops, my bad
5426544 no problem.
5461907
Thanks.
I read this in class... took all my will not to cry.
Not bad at all
Was on a Skype call while reading this and could not stop crying for 10 minutes straight. Fantastic story.
I'm sobbing hysterically. No lie. Gr-reat p-p-p-lot
Waaaaaaaaahhhh
5923226
Sorry I made you cry
I'm glad you liked it
*sniffles* Its... O-kkkayyyyyy
Tears leaked from my eyes. Good job, sir.
Pointless story.
THE DESPAIR!
