Follow Rainbow Dash as she shows you what happened to Scootaloo on her birthday, and how Dash dealt with it.
Inspired by a dream I had once.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 10th Dec, 2014
- offline last seen February 22nd
xXNeonShadowXx
Don't focus on what you can't do...but focus on what you can do to make a difference.
xXNeonShadowXx
Joined 10th Dec, 2014 ·
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Oh my god.... tears are pouring down my face right now...
Right in the feels! Have you considered consulting an editor or posting your story to a group that does constructive reviews? You wrote a really good story, but I noticed some spelling errors and improper punctuation. Proofreading would definitely make this gem an A++.
5399041
I haven't thought about it but thanks for the advice! I'll definitely look into it! Glad you liked it!
5398621
Thanks! Glad you liked it!
You can find one very helpful group through this link. I look forward to seeing more stories from you!
5399256
Thanks!
The beginning of chapter 1 starts off far too perky for a tragedy. Besides some really obvious errors, thats about it.
Might I suggest a proof reader?
5399608
Yeah someone else suggested a proofreader. I've meant to look into that. Thanks
Okie, here comes the critique.
I think the first and most obvious thing you should correct is the spelling errors. This is a very sad story, and has a lot of potential, but the many spelling errors made it difficult to stay sad. They break up the otherwise smooth flow of the story, causing me to pause, stop, wait, and second guess what I'm reading. So definitely fix that.
Next come problems in character.
Rainbow Dash, okay, she stays in character throughout the story, so that's all good and well there, at least, she mostly does. During the part where Scootaloo falls, Rainbow Dash takes waaaay to long to decided "Oh snap, I should fly now". The shock I get, and a pause is understandable, but waiting long enough for Scootaloo to fall out of her reach might be pushing it.
Applejack, yep, spot on, even got the accent right, and I can't complain about Rarity, Fluttershy, or Twilight. My biggest peeve here is Pinkie Pie, oh yes. The way she's portrayed in this story is, believe it or not, too mature. When Rainbow Dash is telling her about adopting Scootaloo, Pinkie doesn't seem all that interested. If I know Pinkie, she'd be ecstatic about the info, probably already planning a party of some kind, but instead she's focusing on her cupcakes. I know sweets are important to her, but I think parties take place over sweets for her. Then at the funeral, she seems too naive. She doesn't seem to quite grasp the concept of death, even saying she hopes Scootaloo will be back soon. We all know Pinkie is the funnest, most innocent pony ever, but even she would have to about death. If she doesn't, and that's what you were going for, then good job, but I don't think that's correct.
nest we move on to details. Well, it was descriptive story at times, but at others lacked the details I like to see all around the story. When Scootaloo died and leading up to that point, you spared no detail and portrayed the entire scene with amazing realism. Same goes for the funeral and even the time with Pinkie and Dashie, so claps for you!
*clap clap clap*
But the rest of the story felt rushed and kind of forced through more quickly then I could stay focused. Kind of like you were going "Here's what you need to know now let's get to the good part!" And I get that feeling, but you need to fight past it. Each chapter rounds off at only around 2000 or so words, but there's sooo much more potential here, just by adding detail. Instead of saying "Rainbow Dash flew from Pinkie's to Applejack's" (not exactly what you said, I know), add detail to that flight. Add how she enjoys flying, how it makes her feel free, how it makes her feel alive. In doing this, you set Rainbow up to better understand WHY Scootaloo did what she did. You can later explain how Rainbow Dash knows Scootaloo killed herself because, since she couldn't fly, she felt trapped, without joy, and dying on the inside, the exact opposite of what Rainbow Dash feels as she fly's. These details will also help to add more meaning to Scootaloo's death for the reason's mentioned above. It goes from "She wasn't happy" (I know you were more deep then that) to "She was torn inside for these reasons", and that's a more engaging and fulfilling story. I'm not gonna go into great detail about all the other details you could add (because you can add soooo many), but just keep that in mind.
And lastly, I'm not going to touch the plot much other then one little nitpick I had and that's why the heck is NO ONE questioning where Scootaloo is on her own BIRTHDAY? And why isn't there a party? Pinkie should've found out, it's Pinkie! She knows everypony's birthdays! But then, throwing that aside, why does Rainbow Dash wait all day to tell Scootaloo she's getting adopted? Sure, she wants it to be a surprise and the papers take time to fill out, I know that. But still. No kind of... IOU or "Hey, guess what's gonna happen today?" No? Okay, I guess it's not a big problem, but still...
So all in all, yeah. I personally really like this story but you should really run it past some editors before you post it, to make sure it's 100%, or at least 95% golden. And don't forget to add those details! Details can make or break a story, even if you have good everything else.
Cheers!
5425153
Well thanks! But this part...
I said at the beginning that Pinkie was planning a surprise party for Scoots. But thank you so much!
I was tearing up quite a bit, and when she said good bye lil' sis, is when i cried. plus the adoption paper thing. i couldn't take it, and my eyes became water falls of tears. There were some spelling errors, but im good at understanding what people really mean. So it didnt mess anything up for me.
5426152
Thanks I'm glad you liked it
5425255 Oops, my bad
5426544 no problem.
Nice start. ^_^
5461907
Thanks.
I read this in class... took all my will not to cry.
Not bad at all
Was on a Skype call while reading this and could not stop crying for 10 minutes straight. Fantastic story.
I'm sobbing hysterically. No lie. Gr-reat p-p-p-lot
Waaaaaaaaahhhh
5923226
Sorry I made you cry
I'm glad you liked it
*sniffles* Its... O-kkkayyyyyy
Tears leaked from my eyes. Good job, sir.
Pointless story.
gah good start but my heartstrings!
THE DESPAIR!
