I always wondered why I couldn't fly, until my tenth birthday when I discovered my magical ability, which brought me under the tutelage of Princess Sparkle.
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- Member Since 17th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 11th, 2016
ThatPonyWithASword
I like ponies, video games and reading
ThatPonyWithASword
Joined 17th Jun, 2014 ·
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When I first read the first line I said to myself: "Gods... not another one of these..."
Read a bit more, and I admit that was clever.
Still, so much info-dumping. Not only have you told all of your character's background story in a thousand words, leaving your readers with little to discover in further reading, you did so by telling us outright. Backstories should be shown through a characters actions and dialogue with others and slowly revealed. When you tell us all of this from the get go, what is there to really look forward in wanting to get to know the character?
Also, pacing. You are going about this way too fast. Slow it down, show bits of the character, and gradually work your way into the story instead of bull rushing through it.
My advice is to also seek the help of an editor and possible pre-reader. Employing both would greatly improve the quality of your story.
5247855 thanks for the feedback, I might rewrite it. I really do suck at pacing though.
5248006 and dialog, that's why there's so little if it. :)
I had a similar idea for a story like this a long time ago (the character was even a blacksmith in mine!) but I suck at writing so I never did it. In my idea they used a widely forgotton form of pegasi magic using latin words to cast various spells. Ocasionaly they would have to stand on their back hooves in cases where the spell had to be channeled such as a flame spell. All in all you had a very original idea. There were very few quick fix errors as far as grammar goes, and I didn't notice any spelling errors so good job! I hope to see more in the future!