The First Part

“Twilight! TWILIGHT!!” Pinkie Pie burst into Twilight’s room, babbling incoherently.

“Pinkie pie? What are you doing here?”

“THEY MADE A MOVIE TWILIGHT! They made a movie about us and our adventures!”

“What!?”

“Come on Twilight, its showing right now! We don’t want to miss it!”

“But I-“ Twilight was dragged out of her castle as pinkie pie forcibly relocated her to the nearby cinema.

They quickly made their way into the mostly empty lobby.

“Fifteen bits for popcorn? That’s highway robbery!”

“We’re not here for popcorn, Twi. Two tickets for Twilight’s New Groove please.”

Pinkie Pie rushed Twilight into the theater, which was for the most part devoid of other ponies.

“Where is everypony? There’s practically nopony here!”

“Shhh! Its starting!”

The title of the move flashed up on the screen, followed by the director’s name.

“Aww heck no! I’m not watching anything made by Discord!”

“Come on Twilight! It can’t be that bad!”

Against her better judgment, Twilight remained in her seat as the movie began.

“Ah, seems like only yesterday I deposed the rightful king of this place and usurped his throne. Hey, you guys remember that?” Spike said as he casually leaned against a statue of himself holding aloft the bloody skull of king Sombra as he roared in triumph.

“Yes, yes, all power to Spike the dragon. Now Twilight, why did you force us to come along?” Rarity asked.

“I've just been feeling a little unsure about things lately. It doesn't seem that my new role as god-queen equates to all that much. I guess I brought you along to help remind myself that my life could be much, much worse.”

“Yes, well you better not be late. You know that tardiness is punishable by death!”

Twilight quickly scampered up the stairs and arrived on the balcony. She untied the rope that tied the prisoners to the tower, letting them fall to the ground below.

“The Duke and Duchess of Maretonia!” announced Flash Sentry.

The duke and duchess carefully avoided the splattered remains of the prisoners as they made their way into the castle. Twilight made her way back down just in time to meet the duke and duchess as they left.

“Your highness. Thank you for understanding our desire to keep the number of those privy to these confidential discussions to a minimum.” The duke nervously muttered.

“I’ll have your head on a pike by morning.”

As they left, the princesses approached Twilight.

“I'm sorry, Twilight, but their visit is already over. You won’t get a chance to kill them before they make it to the train.” Cadence informed.

“Oh.”

“Something wrong?” queried Luna.

“I guess I just don't really understand why I'm here. Couldn't one of the royal slaves have executed the prisoners?”

“Having all four of us in the Empire to greet them lets the dignitaries know how truly pathetic they are when compared to their gods.” Celestia said.

“Yes, we need to show them as the worthless mewling worms that they are.” Cadence remarked.

“Yes well, it's just that Princess Luna raises the death star, Princess Celestia raises the sun, you protect our tyrannical dictatorship, and all I seem to do is... execute prisoners. Twilight began to sing about her woes.

[Twilight]
It isn't that I'm ungrateful
For all the things that I've killed
For all the lives I have taken,
All the blood that I have spilled

But I wonder where I'm going now,
What my role is meant to be
I don't know how to dominate
A future that I can't see

I have my whip, I wear this crown
I'm a sadist, this is true
But it's still unclear to me
Just what I am meant to do

I wanna have a deadly tiger
Wanna do all that I can
I wanna make a giant robot
I want to be a part of the plan

[Princess Celestia]
Your destiny's certain
Already preordained by the fates
So quit your endless whining
On my nerves it grates

[Princess Luna]
Patience is never easy
I understand wanting more
I know how hard it is to wait
To spread out your minions and cause endless war

[Princess Cadence]
But you stand here for a reason
You're violent and you’re insane
That crown is upon your head because
You’re inhumane

[Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Cadence]
Know that your waiting is about done
As the death star rises, so does the sun
As a knife finds a place in every heart
You are a god-queen; you'll play your part

[Princess Luna]
We understand you wanting it all
A chance to rend, a chance to maul

[Princess Cadence]
Soon will come the day it turns around

[Princess Celestia]
Now leave us alone, you miserable fart

The scene changed to show a dark alley in Canterlot, where a unicorn carrying a crate of oranges walked through the dimly lit streets. A can rattled in the distance, and the unicorn nervously looked behind him. Relived to find nothing behind him, the unicorn turned around only to find himself face to face with a dark, cloaked figure.

“Very sorry.” The unicorn chuckled uneasily. “You came out of nowhere.”

“Is she friend or is she foe, the pony wonders. I can assure you… That we’ll all be great friends when I throw you a we met in a really creepy alley party!” Pinkie Pie’s smile shone under her cloak.

The unicorn eyes turned a milky white and he fell to the ground as his soul was ripped from his body by Pinkie Pie’s concentrated cheerfulness. An unholy glow surrounded Pinkie Pie as she grew in size. Her smile grew ever wider as she let out a sunny, bubbly giggle.

Celestia awoke with a loud gasp as Luna burst into the room.

“Keep it down! I’m trying to sleep!”

“I've just had the most terrible dream!”

“That wasn’t a dream you numbskull, but a vision.”

“Then we haven't much time. The more annoying she becomes, the more we are all in danger.”

Celestia quickly gathered the other princesses so she could read them stories from a foal’s picture book.

“Pinkie Pie and her sister Maud came here from a distant land, intent on selling worthless rock farm stock to an unsuspecting public. But Pinkie Pie soon came to appreciate the ways of Equestria” Celestia narrated.

“Pinkie Pie urged her sister to abandon their plans. When Maud refused, Pinkie Pie alerted us to Maud’s intentions.” Luna added.

“Pinkie Pie was sent to Tartarus for snitching, while we joined forces with Maud, stealing millions of dollars from Equestrian citizens. However, it seems Pinkie Pie managed to escape.”

“We believe it happened when she bribed the guards with cupcakes.”

“I believe I know just the ruthless despot who can stop her!” Cadence nodded in Twilight’s direction.

“Yes, I’ll rip off her-“

“No, Twilight.” Celestia interrupted. “I’m afraid you don’t possess the rugged, manly physique to take Pinkie Pie on. We shall call upon the services of the talented and oh so handsome Discord instead.”

Everypony gasped at the mere mention of Discord’s name.

The movie quickly jumped to a scene where Twilight was talking to her friends.

“...As in Discord, Discord?” Applejack asked

“Yes!” Twilight replied.

“I don't think it's that big of a surprise. He is better than anything that has ever existed in the history of forever.”

“Absolutely. He can sense when there's a disturbance in the force. The next time Pinkie Pie tries to be nice to somepony, Discord will be able to track her down!”

“So what are you supposed to do while Discord - and did I mention he’s single, all you mares in the audience – tracks down Pinkie Pie?” Rainbow Dash inquired.

Twilight sighed. “Nothing. Unless of course one of you needs me to torture somepony to death.”

“Where are you going?” said Spike.

“To my dark, sinister castle located deep within the most dangerous forest in all of Equestria, where I shall contemplate acts of unparalleled evil.”

“Sounds like fun! You want some company?”

Suddenly, the clouds parted and a brilliant light shown down from the heavens. Discord slowly descended to the earth, and angels sung of his glory as cherubs danced in the air around him. Stallions openly wept tears of joy, overcome by his magnificence; mares fainted at the mere sight of his awe inspiring masculinity.

Twilight couldn’t take any more of this horse-crap. She left the theater, with Pinkie Pie trailing close behind.

“What’s wrong Twilight? The movie isn’t over yet silly!”

“How can you watch that rubbish Pinkie Pie!? It’s literally the worst thing I have ever seen!”

Pinkie Pie gave Twilight a confused stare. “Well of course its bad Twilight, that’s what makes it so fun to watch!”

Now it was Twilight’s turn to give Pinkie pie a confused stare. “What? What do you mean?”

“It’s fun to laugh at how ridiculous the whole movie is; you aren’t supposed to take it so seriously.” All of a sudden Pinkie Pie’s mane flattened out. “I just wanted to laugh at the movie with one of my bestest friends; I thought it would make you happy. But I guess if you don’t like it, we can just go home.” Pinkie Pie began to slowly trot away.

Twilight felt horrible. “No Pinkie, wait! We can finish the movie!”

Pinkie pie turned around. “Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to force you to do anything you didn’t want to do.”

Twilight forced a smile. “Pinkie Pie, it would be a pleasure to finish this movie with you.”

Pinkie Pie brightened up considerably. “Okie dokie lokey, Twilight! Let’s get back in there before we miss any more of the movie!”

They made their way back to their seats and resumed their viewing of the movie.

“So which do prefer: Chimicherry or Cherrychanga?”

A unicorn fell to the ground, buckling under the onslaught of Pinkie Pie’s unholy cheer as she grew even bigger. She spotted another in the distance.

“Sorry new friend, but I’ve got another friend to make! I hope to see you at my I conquered all of Equestria party!”

Pinkie Pie slowly snuck up of the unicorn, hoping to surprise him.

“Pinkie Pie, I presume?” Discord revealed himself, dropping his disguise.

“Oh, Discord! What are you doing here?”

“This!” Discord snapped his fingers and Pinkie Pie became wrapped in chains.

“I should have known you would be a party pooper” Pinkie Pie’s mane deflated slightly.

“Oh, I'm not doing this for me. I'm doing it for the millions of bits Celestia is paying me!”

“I am surprised that someone with your intellect does not see this ‘money’ is a scam. Celestia’s just going to take it all back in taxes anyway!”

“That’s a lie!”

“Oh, please, I've seen this before. But Maud was always greedy. You are Discord, you are legend, you cannot fall into the same trap that claimed my sister! Help me to throw the biggest party in Equestrian history, and be rewarded with something far greater than money. Friendship! Join me, Discord, and reclaim your greatness. Unless, of course, 'Celestia’s errand boy' is the role you've always wanted to play in this world. Besides, it’s not like I have goat hooves, demonic horns, or glowing satanic eyes! You’d have to be an idiot to listen to somepony like that!”

The movie changed to depict Twilight and her friends in their castle playing poker and sipping their wine as slaves fed them grapes.

“Hey Applejack, do you remember that time you poisoned your whole family with tainted tonic?”

“How could I forget? It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. But when I thought about how much life insurance they had, I knew I had to kill them all. I just knew it!”

“And Flutershy, do you remember when you forced the Breezies to work in the coal mines?”

“Oh, the looks on their poor little faces! But I knew that, as difficult as it was, their tiny little bodies were perfect for reaching all those hard to get ore veins.”

“Rarity, even after Suri turned you in for vandalizing your hotel room at fashion week in Manehattan, you didn't let it cause you to abandon your malicious spirit.

“I simply couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't make sure every single moment of her life was filled with absolute misery”

“Rainbow Dash, you found the worst athletes you could find, forced them to compete in the Equestria games against their will, and made millions of bits betting against them.”

“Sure! But making money was way- “

Suddenly Spike coughed up a scroll from Celestia. Twilight quickly read the contents of the scroll.

“What’s it say?”

“That I'm needed in Canterlot at once!” Twilight quickly flew all the way to Canterlot, busting through the throne room doors.

“I came as quickly as I could! Is something wrong? Is it Pinkie Pie?”

“I'm afraid I put too much trust in Discord and the effect that cold hard cash would have upon him.”

The scene changed to show Discord and Pinkie Pie putting on a magic show. The crowd cheered as their minds were filled with acts of wonderment and whimsy.

“How could he do this?! I thought our money meant something to him! I thought he had changed.”

“She has grown strong enough to be able to entertain ponies all over Equestria. There is word she has gone after foals as well.”

Agein the scene changed, this time showing Discord teaching young foals how to fish while Pinkie Pie had somehow convinced the Wonderbolts to perform a show for free.

“Ponies will no longer watch TV.” Luna complained. “Without their support the entertainment industry will collapse, and we’ll lose millions of bits.”

“There is no doubt that she will come after us next. With Discord by her side, we will not be able to stop her from taking all our money.”

“Once our money is in her possession, her power will know no bounds, and all hope will be lost.”

“But there is one solution. We will buy all the candy in Equestria and eat it before she gets here. It is only by making this sacrifice that Equestria and the lands beyond it might be saved. We must rid ourselves of our money before Pinkie Pie has the chance to donate it to charity or something stupid like that.”

The movie slowly faded to black as the intermission started.

Twilight walked out of the cinema in a daze. Every few steps she shuddered, and she knew she would carry this abomination with her for as long as she lived. Pinkie Pie followed her, completely unaware of the genocide of good taste that had occurred inside.

“So… Pinkie Pie, how long does this intermission last?”

“Two or three minutes, usually.”

“Good… I… I can’t wait.”

Author's Note:

If you guys enjoyed this, I'll be sure to write another chapter. If not... I'll be forced to take the story behind the woodshed and put it out of its misery.

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Spiritofchaos227

Spiritofchaos227 #1 · Sep 20th, 2014 · · ·

Wow Discord needs a life... and a girlfriend, as he made clear.

I liked it! I just reread this really sad story, and this is exactly what I needed!

Fang Ex Machina

Fang Ex Machina #2 · Sep 20th, 2014 · · ·

I'd pay EXACTLY $3.27 to see this as an actual movie. I give it a solid 8.5 out of 10

alarajrogers

alarajrogers #3 · Sep 20th, 2014 · · ·

Gotta love a guy who's capable of making a total mockery out of what was probably one of the most emotionally traumatic events he himself has endured since getting turned to stone, if not more so. Pinkie Pie being highly amused by a stupid movie that makes her the villain is also quite in character. I can see Twilight's brains steaming out her ears at the idiocy of the parody, though. Maybe she needs to read more MAD magazine.

The Illusive Man