Trigger Warnings: Rape, Questionable consent, mind altering drugs/aphrodisiacs, incest, and additional tags added at the beginning of chapters as they come up. Reader discretion is advised.
It seems... awfully abrupt. There's little character interaction aside from fucking, and not much internal dialogue, either. Also, is it really necessary to specify each character's cup and penis size? You could use more subtle wording like "generous" instead of "double D", for example. It just seems jarring.
49159744915768 First, I will probably tone down the exact statistics from now on. There is a place for them, but they aren't needed, at least not here. It was also not meant as an insult to anyone, just me trying out a different way of describing it. Also, as far as the interaction goes, that should be a one time thing for this chapter because of plans I have for subsequent chapters. Hence why I stayed out of Applebloom's head. I hope you were able to enjoy anyways though.
“Get this,” Applejack said as she picked up another vile, “tested by Nurse Redheart. Listen to everything she has to say and don’t come back until you know whether or not this could hurt Apple Bloom or any other pony. Understood?”
Smart mare. There are any number of things this concoction could do besides just forcing the victim into an immediate heat.
Things like the effect staying, for example. Even if it's in a milder form, or returning cyclically it's going to be debilitating. And if it's the insanely horny kind like Suri or Apple Bloom showed staying permanently, well, that's going to be much worse.
4917267 thank you. And yeah, cause and effect is big to me in any of my stories. This is the cause. Hence why it's short and possibly leaves a couple details out.
I have a question and I hope you can answer. my question is about the tag, I want to know if the tag change with the story? I mean right now is Mac story arc and he has the main 6 and CMC in his story, is it gone change when it's someone else story arc?
4917507 Ah yes, the character tags. Actually, the tags mean almost nothing. This story will jump from whomever I wish it to. The tags mainly represent the most amount of ponies, Flam for the potion, Twilicorn because she has to have her own tag of course, and OC is supposed to cover any and all others I use. So yes, there will be more then just those few.
Ah, yet another clop story at the expense of the characters. Why care about pesky things like Characterization when we can have rampant anthro rape fucking, amirite?!
But in all seriousness, this makes no sense whatsoever. I don't even see a cursory attempt at rationalizing the actions taken by the stallions. And even beyond that, the sex scenes are short as fuck with bare or bland, generic descriptions, the plot makes zero sense in any way, shape, or form, unless you mean to insinuate that all the men in the show are rapists. If that is the case, then I don;t even fucking care, go ahead, have fun. Dumb, pointless, insulting to the show we all love fun.
You CAN do dark clop stories and maintain characters. It's difficult, but can be done. You didn't even try, beyond making Mac act sorry as he's about to fuck his little sister(who of course is 18, because we already have the anthro, so lord knows we need to hit as many of the cliche buttons as we can, right?). And then, in the midst of this "crisis," he's jacking off thinking about Redheart, because lol he haz penis sew must be rapist and unable to control himself, amirite?!
Ugh, whatever. Go ahead and downvote my comment and carry on.
Are you seriously kidding me right now? I stopped reading this at that part. He hasn't taken any of the potion, so he should definitely have a clear mind, so if he wants to protect his little sister, why in the fuck would he RAPE her?
I'm done. You could have done well with this story, but your execution kills it.
4918432 You are right, and I can't help but hate that I didn't post the third chapter with the rest. Ch. 2 is set up, but ch. 3 explains more lore and such and some of the head cannons I am using. I'm sorry that you saw this as poorly done. I am not the best at clop, so I won't try to defend my short and bland scenes except by saying that I am trying. Thank you for the feedback, and I'm really hoping that I can do better in subsequent chapters.
Well, I apologize for being snarky and probably a bit hyperbolic. I just get aggravated about things too easily. Hey, ponies is srs bsns.
The trick with clop is the devil in the details. Remember, people are jacking off to this, so you have the reverse situation that you have in normal fics. Normally, you worry about wasting the reader's time with poor pacing. but in clopfics, it's actually best to slow down and go into hyper detail. Don't be afraid to use superfluous adjectives. Close your eyes and try to imagine the sights, sounds, and smells of the scene. If you want to illicit a reaction, you need to paint the picture as clear as possible. Sex scenes is one of the only time when it;'s actually preferred that you be a bit purple. Is Mac's dick throbbing? Is there a bead of pre forming at the tip, slowly sliding down his shaft as he eyes the hungry, needy mare before him? Are her lower lips puffy with arousal? When he finally inserts, does he slam home, making her ass cheeks jiggle as she wails? Or does he be a gentleman and slowly, ever so slowly inch in while she writhes beneath him?
As for the character bit... well, I can;'t help you with that. As I said above(albeit very snark and rude, sorry again) you're kinda throwing out characterization for the sake of the clop. It can be done, writing dark clop while remaining in character, but unless there is some ulterior motive at play and some external force, you don't have the show characters here: you have people wearing pony costumes.
4918651 And once more, I have come up with reasons, but for the sake of setup I left them to the wayside and I wish I hadn't done that. As for the sex bit, I'll try. However, I have never been a devil for the details, and not having any irl experience doesn't help. I am thankful for the advice though, and I understand your enragement. I find Fluttershy is the worst characterized in clop because it just instantly happens, which even I know is bad for Flutters. I attempted to give Big Mac an understandable motivation and reasoning, but the rushed pacing killed that, and for that, I am sorry.
However, Apple Bloom wasn’t acting like a baby sister as he saw her. She was showing off her eighteen year old figure, complete with fingers that attacked her drenched pussy. He locked eyes with her and she said, “I’m scared.”
Sorry m8, but erection unachieved because of rampant stupidity.
Love It!!!
um.
4915323 Please be more specific. If something seems weird, i'd love to discuss.
4915510
This conversation is gonna get /steamy./
media1.giphy.com/media/oDebsCPysvG0g/giphy.gif
It seems... awfully abrupt. There's little character interaction aside from fucking, and not much internal dialogue, either. Also, is it really necessary to specify each character's cup and penis size? You could use more subtle wording like "generous" instead of "double D", for example. It just seems jarring.
4915768
"Use your imagination" is ineffective against readers who lack imagination.
4915974 4915768
First, I will probably tone down the exact statistics from now on. There is a place for them, but they aren't needed, at least not here. It was also not meant as an insult to anyone, just me trying out a different way of describing it. Also, as far as the interaction goes, that should be a one time thing for this chapter because of plans I have for subsequent chapters. Hence why I stayed out of Applebloom's head. I hope you were able to enjoy anyways though.
At least Big Mac is trying to be a good guy about all this.
Smart mare. There are any number of things this concoction could do besides just forcing the victim into an immediate heat.
Things like the effect staying, for example. Even if it's in a milder form, or returning cyclically it's going to be debilitating. And if it's the insanely horny kind like Suri or Apple Bloom showed staying permanently, well, that's going to be much worse.
By the way, I think it's supposed to be "vial".
4917267 thank you. And yeah, cause and effect is big to me in any of my stories. This is the cause. Hence why it's short and possibly leaves a couple details out.
Cool story bro.
I have a question and I hope you can answer.
my question is about the tag, I want to know if the tag change with the story?
I mean right now is Mac story arc and he has the main 6 and CMC in his story, is it gone change when
it's someone else story arc?
p.s. Sorry for my English
4917507 Ah yes, the character tags. Actually, the tags mean almost nothing. This story will jump from whomever I wish it to. The tags mainly represent the most amount of ponies, Flam for the potion, Twilicorn because she has to have her own tag of course, and OC is supposed to cover any and all others I use. So yes, there will be more then just those few.
Ah, yet another clop story at the expense of the characters. Why care about pesky things like Characterization when we can have rampant anthro rape fucking, amirite?!
But in all seriousness, this makes no sense whatsoever. I don't even see a cursory attempt at rationalizing the actions taken by the stallions. And even beyond that, the sex scenes are short as fuck with bare or bland, generic descriptions, the plot makes zero sense in any way, shape, or form, unless you mean to insinuate that all the men in the show are rapists. If that is the case, then I don;t even fucking care, go ahead, have fun. Dumb, pointless, insulting to the show we all love fun.
You CAN do dark clop stories and maintain characters. It's difficult, but can be done. You didn't even try, beyond making Mac act sorry as he's about to fuck his little sister(who of course is 18, because we already have the anthro, so lord knows we need to hit as many of the cliche buttons as we can, right?). And then, in the midst of this "crisis," he's jacking off thinking about Redheart, because lol he haz penis sew must be rapist and unable to control himself, amirite?!
Ugh, whatever. Go ahead and downvote my comment and carry on.
Are you seriously kidding me right now? I stopped reading this at that part. He hasn't taken any of the potion, so he should definitely have a clear mind, so if he wants to protect his little sister, why in the fuck would he RAPE her?
I'm done. You could have done well with this story, but your execution kills it.
4918432 I agree with everything in your post.
4918432 You are right, and I can't help but hate that I didn't post the third chapter with the rest. Ch. 2 is set up, but ch. 3 explains more lore and such and some of the head cannons I am using. I'm sorry that you saw this as poorly done. I am not the best at clop, so I won't try to defend my short and bland scenes except by saying that I am trying. Thank you for the feedback, and I'm really hoping that I can do better in subsequent chapters.
4918593
Well, I apologize for being snarky and probably a bit hyperbolic. I just get aggravated about things too easily. Hey, ponies is srs bsns.
The trick with clop is the devil in the details. Remember, people are jacking off to this, so you have the reverse situation that you have in normal fics. Normally, you worry about wasting the reader's time with poor pacing. but in clopfics, it's actually best to slow down and go into hyper detail. Don't be afraid to use superfluous adjectives. Close your eyes and try to imagine the sights, sounds, and smells of the scene. If you want to illicit a reaction, you need to paint the picture as clear as possible. Sex scenes is one of the only time when it;'s actually preferred that you be a bit purple. Is Mac's dick throbbing? Is there a bead of pre forming at the tip, slowly sliding down his shaft as he eyes the hungry, needy mare before him? Are her lower lips puffy with arousal? When he finally inserts, does he slam home, making her ass cheeks jiggle as she wails? Or does he be a gentleman and slowly, ever so slowly inch in while she writhes beneath him?
As for the character bit... well, I can;'t help you with that. As I said above(albeit very snark and rude, sorry again) you're kinda throwing out characterization for the sake of the clop. It can be done, writing dark clop while remaining in character, but unless there is some ulterior motive at play and some external force, you don't have the show characters here: you have people wearing pony costumes.
4918651 And once more, I have come up with reasons, but for the sake of setup I left them to the wayside and I wish I hadn't done that. As for the sex bit, I'll try. However, I have never been a devil for the details, and not having any irl experience doesn't help. I am thankful for the advice though, and I understand your enragement. I find Fluttershy is the worst characterized in clop because it just instantly happens, which even I know is bad for Flutters. I attempted to give Big Mac an understandable motivation and reasoning, but the rushed pacing killed that, and for that, I am sorry.
4918651
Sorry Jake, but trying to jack off to this is like trying to jack off to this:
img2-2.timeinc.net/people/i/2012/news/120910/mama-june-600.jpg
4918778 I thought you were in my side.
4918791
Sorry m8, but erection unachieved because of rampant stupidity.
cloud-4.steampowered.com/ugc/45354756303012517/784885E56BA482D3E24E5E50F78C07AD5DB300BE/
4918665
Oh look! Another delicious morsel.
troll.me/images/hungover-spiderman/oh-shit-nigger-what-are-you-doing.jpg
4918651
But if you go into too much detail, you will be accused of purple prose.
Also, while this fic may be riddled with errors, it's in the Featured Fics box, so *shrug*.
4918916
How does a finger attack a pussy!?
It sounds painful, like...jabbing it with a pointy fingernail.
(insert random country song that I don`t listen to)
This shall be deemed worth of me reading again, and putting on the updates list.
Vial.
That 'vile' means 'very unpleasant'.
encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQjoDU_Ff7li3M_d-dcqULqgDGPY42Hi41N1xSrjwTdI6TBCIVcfg
But... I do like that you put this in the story, that Big Mac really doesn't want to do it.