- Member Since 10th Feb, 2014
- offline last seen May 21st, 2021
Michael Hudson
Original Works. It was a good run.
Michael Hudson
Joined 10th Feb, 2014 ·
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um.
4915323 Please be more specific. If something seems weird, i'd love to discuss.
4915510
This conversation is gonna get /steamy./
media1.giphy.com/media/oDebsCPysvG0g/giphy.gif
It seems... awfully abrupt. There's little character interaction aside from fucking, and not much internal dialogue, either. Also, is it really necessary to specify each character's cup and penis size? You could use more subtle wording like "generous" instead of "double D", for example. It just seems jarring.
4915768
"Use your imagination" is ineffective against readers who lack imagination.
4915974 4915768
First, I will probably tone down the exact statistics from now on. There is a place for them, but they aren't needed, at least not here. It was also not meant as an insult to anyone, just me trying out a different way of describing it. Also, as far as the interaction goes, that should be a one time thing for this chapter because of plans I have for subsequent chapters. Hence why I stayed out of Applebloom's head. I hope you were able to enjoy anyways though.
At least Big Mac is trying to be a good guy about all this.
Nice
Smart mare. There are any number of things this concoction could do besides just forcing the victim into an immediate heat.
Things like the effect staying, for example. Even if it's in a milder form, or returning cyclically it's going to be debilitating. And if it's the insanely horny kind like Suri or Apple Bloom showed staying permanently, well, that's going to be much worse.
By the way, I think it's supposed to be "vial".
4917267 thank you. And yeah, cause and effect is big to me in any of my stories. This is the cause. Hence why it's short and possibly leaves a couple details out.
Cool story bro.
I have a question and I hope you can answer.
my question is about the tag, I want to know if the tag change with the story?
I mean right now is Mac story arc and he has the main 6 and CMC in his story, is it gone change when
it's someone else story arc?
p.s. Sorry for my English
4917507 Ah yes, the character tags. Actually, the tags mean almost nothing. This story will jump from whomever I wish it to. The tags mainly represent the most amount of ponies, Flam for the potion, Twilicorn because she has to have her own tag of course, and OC is supposed to cover any and all others I use. So yes, there will be more then just those few.
Ah, yet another clop story at the expense of the characters. Why care about pesky things like Characterization when we can have rampant anthro rape fucking, amirite?!
But in all seriousness, this makes no sense whatsoever. I don't even see a cursory attempt at rationalizing the actions taken by the stallions. And even beyond that, the sex scenes are short as fuck with bare or bland, generic descriptions, the plot makes zero sense in any way, shape, or form, unless you mean to insinuate that all the men in the show are rapists. If that is the case, then I don;t even fucking care, go ahead, have fun. Dumb, pointless, insulting to the show we all love fun.
You CAN do dark clop stories and maintain characters. It's difficult, but can be done. You didn't even try, beyond making Mac act sorry as he's about to fuck his little sister(who of course is 18, because we already have the anthro, so lord knows we need to hit as many of the cliche buttons as we can, right?). And then, in the midst of this "crisis," he's jacking off thinking about Redheart, because lol he haz penis sew must be rapist and unable to control himself, amirite?!
Ugh, whatever. Go ahead and downvote my comment and carry on.
Okay, hold on a minute here. Big Mac just called them out on raping some mare, yet he doesn't do anything about it. He's not the type to just let that sort of shit happen, so why does he not give a shit here? On top of that, since he's opposed to rape, then why in the hell did he go and grab his own case? That sort of shit doesn't make sense.
Are you seriously kidding me right now? I stopped reading this at that part. He hasn't taken any of the potion, so he should definitely have a clear mind, so if he wants to protect his little sister, why in the fuck would he RAPE her?
I'm done. You could have done well with this story, but your execution kills it.
4918432 I agree with everything in your post.
4918432 You are right, and I can't help but hate that I didn't post the third chapter with the rest. Ch. 2 is set up, but ch. 3 explains more lore and such and some of the head cannons I am using. I'm sorry that you saw this as poorly done. I am not the best at clop, so I won't try to defend my short and bland scenes except by saying that I am trying. Thank you for the feedback, and I'm really hoping that I can do better in subsequent chapters.
4918593
Well, I apologize for being snarky and probably a bit hyperbolic. I just get aggravated about things too easily. Hey, ponies is srs bsns.
The trick with clop is the devil in the details. Remember, people are jacking off to this, so you have the reverse situation that you have in normal fics. Normally, you worry about wasting the reader's time with poor pacing. but in clopfics, it's actually best to slow down and go into hyper detail. Don't be afraid to use superfluous adjectives. Close your eyes and try to imagine the sights, sounds, and smells of the scene. If you want to illicit a reaction, you need to paint the picture as clear as possible. Sex scenes is one of the only time when it;'s actually preferred that you be a bit purple. Is Mac's dick throbbing? Is there a bead of pre forming at the tip, slowly sliding down his shaft as he eyes the hungry, needy mare before him? Are her lower lips puffy with arousal? When he finally inserts, does he slam home, making her ass cheeks jiggle as she wails? Or does he be a gentleman and slowly, ever so slowly inch in while she writhes beneath him?
As for the character bit... well, I can;'t help you with that. As I said above(albeit very snark and rude, sorry again) you're kinda throwing out characterization for the sake of the clop. It can be done, writing dark clop while remaining in character, but unless there is some ulterior motive at play and some external force, you don't have the show characters here: you have people wearing pony costumes.
4918651 And once more, I have come up with reasons, but for the sake of setup I left them to the wayside and I wish I hadn't done that. As for the sex bit, I'll try. However, I have never been a devil for the details, and not having any irl experience doesn't help. I am thankful for the advice though, and I understand your enragement. I find Fluttershy is the worst characterized in clop because it just instantly happens, which even I know is bad for Flutters. I attempted to give Big Mac an understandable motivation and reasoning, but the rushed pacing killed that, and for that, I am sorry.
4918651
Sorry Jake, but trying to jack off to this is like trying to jack off to this:
img2-2.timeinc.net/people/i/2012/news/120910/mama-june-600.jpg
4918778 I thought you were in my side.
4918791
Sorry m8, but erection unachieved because of rampant stupidity.
cloud-4.steampowered.com/ugc/45354756303012517/784885E56BA482D3E24E5E50F78C07AD5DB300BE/
4918665
Oh look! Another delicious morsel.
troll.me/images/hungover-spiderman/oh-shit-nigger-what-are-you-doing.jpg
4918651
But if you go into too much detail, you will be accused of purple prose.
Also, while this fic may be riddled with errors, it's in the Featured Fics box, so *shrug*.
4918916
How does a finger attack a pussy!?
It sounds painful, like...jabbing it with a pointy fingernail.
(insert random country song that I don`t listen to)
This shall be deemed worth of me reading again, and putting on the updates list.
4928122 Yay! Also, I wish I knew what country song you might be thinking. I love me some country music.
this seems more like a test for science
then for a medical professional
4930215 erm, *zoidbergs*
4918651
4918665
4922556
1. Both Jake The Army Guy and Alsvid are correct in their comments about Descriptive Writing and Purple Prose.
Good erotic (or at least, sex) writing is about finding the balance between providing lurid and detailed for Descriptive Writing without going overboard and breaking the (literary) wagon under the erroneous weight of Purple Prose. But right now, your fan-fiction wagon could stand to carry several more bushels of Descriptive Writing on it.
.
2. Another glimmer of hope for your fan-fiction, which is what caught my attention after the read-through, is the end-portion for Chapter 3 (with Nurse Redheart and Big McIntosh). One key storytelling factor in writing a good clopfic is keeping the characters believable, and as close to their canon nature as possible. This does not mean they cannot have their sexual encounters, but it should not be making them wildly /OOC either.
I would advise not falling into misogynistic patterns for the males, or calling the mares degrading names (slut, cunt, whore, etc.) from their induced-sex encounters. Unless you are specifically going that deeply Dark route, it would likely harm your overall story quality (relatively speaking) rather than help.
.
3. On a separate but related note: The draft horse stallion's proper full-name is Big McIntosh (exactly like the apple cultivar
), not Big MacIntosh (like the computer brand).
4. And on a completely separate note (character tags): If you involve the Mane Six, then you do not need the Twilicorn tag since it includes her, you simply cover that within your fan-fiction and thus free up a character tag slot.
5. Oh and I think you wanted...
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
Hope this helps.
4932295
As to the points on how dark it goes - I could actually see this as an interesting pivot point to use for the story.
Big Mac seems primarily to be interested in making a few bits while he actually does help out couples. He recognizes the rape-y nature of what can be done with this, and it disturbs him significantly. What he does here with Nurse Redheart is actually a major set of steps in the right direction to handling this stuff morally; he makes sure she knows what she's drinking, and practically begs her to think REALLY hard about taking it with him in the room because he doesn't know if either of them will be *able* to say no afterwards.
He follows that up with comforting her after she went through all sorts of mental conniptions under the influence of the potion, further showing that he *is* concerned for her well-being, mentally and physically.
By contrast, we've got the scene with Suri, where Joe rapes her and everybody's more or less okay with that, apparently.
There's a strong potential for this story to continue (especially with a bit more detail used for the smut, but that's a matter of experience and learning how to write it) as an exploration of how different people would (ab)use something like this.
Big Mac seems to be responsible with it, but you've got to think that some of those other stallions aren't necessarily being quite so... careful.
Is Donut Joe slipping doses into the coffee he makes for attractive co-eds? Is Mr. Cake secretly slipping Pinkie some in order to carry on an affair with her that she thinks is "her fault?" There's a lot of potential for how drama could be generated from this, and a major conflict that delves into the dangers of toying with people's sex drives. Sometimes it *can* be done for good purposes! The couples Mac's thinking about who want foals, but didn't conceive during heat season, for example. But sometimes it can be abused as well.
4932392 I am trying to make sure this isn't entirely random. This is my clop story to mainly have fun with and do what I want, but I don't want it to be purely without logic or story. Also, you actually hit the next chapters premise on the nose with one of your guesses. I will try to stay away from misogynistic patterns and I don't like pure dark. The girl can't despise the fact that she did it, or I start to dislike what I'm writing. I hope that I continue to please you, and I really should have published this chapter with the first two.
4932295 I am trying to improve and take into account people's comments and hopefully part of ch. 4 will show that. I will be honest, I am focusing a little more on my own enjoyment while writing this then entirely the continuity and such. Almost pure clop is almost pure clop. Not to say I am not trying to give logic to it, as shown in this chapter. Anyways, I screwed up and hit your misogynistic part above, and I hope you are enjoying the story so far.
4932782
I am not saying this has to be a "vanilla"-sex story, or tonal-sex Comedy, nor be a misogynistic ultra-Dark like the Fall of Equestria story-group. I do see the Dark tag with this story premise, and thus the (friendly) caution towards walking within the grey area of artificially induced sex premise.
.
Mrs. Cake knowingly and voluntarily taking a dose because the Cakes are trying for a third foal, in hopes of an earth pony result? Sure, easy. You can even portray the potion loosening them up and having the married couple getting their kink on.
"Tricking" (note "quotations") Rainbow Dash chugging down a bottle because she does not believe its effects? Sure.
Pinkie Pie voluntarily, though not necessarily fully understandingly, downing a bottle and nearly causing "death by snu snu" to the stallion(s) who gave her the potion? One can almost see the poor sweat-stained stallion weakly crawling out of the door only to dragged back in with a high-pitched shriek.
Intending to dose one mare, but (genuinely) accidentally dosing another mare (or mares)? Crossing into Dark territory.
Tricking a fan-popular "mare pair" (e.g.: Lyra Heartstrings & Bon Bon, Octavia Melody & Vinyl Scratch, Derpy Hooves & Carrot Top, etc.) into drinking and having threesome &/or orgy sex? Solidly into Dark territory.
Deliberately dosing Fluttershy without her knowledge and consent? Way into Dark territory (date rape, duh).
Tying down Applejack, forcing her mouth open, pouring a double-dose down her throat, and then saying "this is Applejack being 'honest' about what she wants" (aka "mind break" rape)...? So deep into Dark territory you have probably lost readers at this point.
~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~ ~~~~~
It is your fan-fiction, so yes you should write how you desire. I am simply giving a friendly word of caution in being self-aware of how far you want to take things, or wind up at. You have a solid story premise and start-up, hopefully the (overall) fan-fiction will not be ruined because you slid down the slippery slope &/or felt you "had" to go way over-the-line Dark.
4934176 That last one, that is where I stop enjoying it myself. Don't expect that. Besides, though the stallions may want to get laid, I could probably never justify something like that in my head. This may be dark, but this is supposed to be where I have fun with my clop and enjoy my fetishes. So yeah, thanks for the tip and I will go into the dark territory, but never THAT far into the dark territory, at least I have no plans to.
i look forward to your next chapter after you get off your hiatus. I want to see how sexual depraved princesses react to this potion when they take it
4942272 I'm on hiatus?
4942773 I know that was why I said "When you get off Hiatus" I look forward to your next chapter
4945540 Thats good, but I count on hiatus past two weeks. This is because I run a lot of different stories, some long ones and some just random as hell like this. Hence why it might take a bit between updates. I just needed ch. 3 done for this update.
I... I... I don't know how to feel about this.
hawt
I was afraid you meant this one. Poor Pinkie.
I just don't see this ending well.
I'm so conflicted on this one
Another great chapter though with many conflicting feelings....
also i know pinkie pie likes to destroy physica and make the world go "WTF HOW!?!?!" but can someone explain how this sentence from this chapter works?
just curious but besides that one sentence I LOVED IT!
*Reads description*
"Fuck yeah! This is gonna be so hot."
*Begins reading*
>Anthro
>No hooves
"Welp. My erections gone."
4976522 They have hooves for feet, not hands though. Sorry.
4976547
fc02.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2013/169/e/8/no_hooves_by_turtleshellf-d69kc07.png
Anthro is shit. Humanized is cancer.
While I sort of enjoy the fic, it's in the same way one enjoys watching a train wreck.
You know it's not going to end well, you know it won't be pretty, you know tears will be shed will happen...
But you still gotta watch...
pix.3feetunder.com/web/dumb/train_wreck.png
rs1img.memecdn.com/train-wreck-in-3-2-1_o_2370507.jpg
4980929 Umm, did you at least still enjoy it? And I mean more then just for sheer stupidity factor like others have mocked me for.