Makes no sense. How would Luna know about the potion just because it appeared in Donut Joe's dream? A regular male can't dream about what Donut Joe did normally?
5836773 It's possible that the information about the potion reached Luna's ears. At the very least we know Nurse Redheart is aware of it; she might have filed a report.
He stared into her withering glare for only a moment before shouting out his confession. Luna listened as he explained the bottles, how two weeks ago he learned what they did, and even looked away ashamed as he recalled the raping of Suri on stage.
I forgot I had that in there, hence the slow response. Also, because she inserts herself into the dream, she is affected by its objects, like the bottle. Also, as far as the irregular dream bit, it comes from the fact that if someone never acts sexy, never portrays themselves as something you could be with, like all of the mares in Equestria, it becomes much harder to fantasize about. However, with the bottle, it becomes easier because they practically replace the mare with a product of the bottle. Hence, the whore, something almost never seen in Equestria nowadays except in the seediest parts of the nightlife.
Just a quick heads up. This is going to be really really long so you don't have to read it if you are not up to reading a really long comment.
“Then it must be destroyed.” She rushed into her bedroom and took off her thin red robe in order to start getting dressed. “I want names Luna so that we can hunt these bastards down and set things right.”
“No.”
Celestia stood up, her dress only halfway up her body, and turned to her sister. “What?”
“I said no. You caused this to happen and I want you to own up for it. I want you to fix it.”
Celestia grit her teeth for a moment before stepping back and taking in a deep breath. “Luna,” she searched her sister’s eyes and nodded, “I believe I have shrugged your opinions for too long on this matter. Please, let me hear you argument, and this time I will listenand consider it.
I read this and the only thing that popped into my head was “What the hell?” You do realize that you wrote this to sound like Celestia is the reason why there is a rape potion and Luna doesn't want it destroyed. Only to have Celestia say that she’ll listen to what Luna has to say to her, again. Celestia was already listening to what Luna had to say. This part is redundant and fails to get across what is actually happening. Sher, you explained why later along with the thought process behind it but that’s no excuse for making your reads feel like the story just shoved the line of thought the story was building completely to the side. If anything it looks like you just set up a fight between the two sisters only to completely confuse everyone with that last random comment from Celestia that sounds like it came from out of nowhere.
You might want to work on rewording this part.
“You started this tradition to stop the sensitivity from heat being abused, correct?”
This is where the real line of thought starts up between the two sisters. Celestia apparently starts a mental tactic that cept mares from becoming enslaved to their hormones when Celestia said and quote; “I had grown sick and tired of a well hung stallion having a mare, or mares, who clung to him simply because she became addicted to a level of pleasure that only he could bring, and only during the most vulnerable time of a mare’s life.”
This tells me that in the past, when a mare went into heat, stallions had the opportunity to turn mares into sex slaves. Not liking this, Celestia invented a method to prevent that from happening in the future.
Luna’s argument is that this method was wrong to implement because it stops stallions from being with the pony they had feelings for. Completely disregarding why it was needed in the first place. Saying that those pony where happy together stating that and quote; “those are some of the most passionate relationships I’d seen.” to which Celestia states that those relationships weren't real because of their hormones running wild. But then this line pops up.
“That is how you see it. However, back then, the only dick a mare would touch, unless she was absolutely desperate, was that of a stallion she was close to, so at the very least those relationships usually had once been friendships, if not already fueled by insecure crushes.”
This leads the reader to believe that (in the story) the mares of today, because of the method of mental control they have over there hormones, never establish meaningful relationships with stallions other than to just fuck once a year. If this were true then there shouldn't be any married couples in Equestria because the mares don’t actually love anyone. Also, this makes Luna sound like she likes having lots of sex and doesn't really care about who it’s with. Making her a complete hypocrite when she accuses her sister of not taking the feelings of the stallions into consideration.
Luna’s line of reasoning is filled with if, buts and maybes everywhere with nothing concrete to back her up. She ends up using her sister’s memories to try and prove her point but right here it seems that you failed to take into account that both Celestia and Luna are immortals and will never die outside of a violent or tragic end. Both of them can never have a meaningful relationship with anyone because anyone they fall in love with will eventually die and leave them alone. All this fact proves is that both Celestia and Luna can get away with using a stallion for sex because they will always be alone in the end regardless of both feelings and hormones. It might sound horrible but that’s just the way it is. This is also the main reason why they never have relationship outside of friendships on the show.
I dare anyone to try arguing about how horrible it is that a stallion who had a crush on them will never get that chance at marrying one of them just because she’s using him only for sex over the fact that both Celestia and Luna will always be emotionally hurting regardless of how they feel towards that stallion because they will always be alone in the end. As rulers in charge of maintaining peace for their country for all eternity they can’t afford to be in mourning over a dead lover for the rest of their life. They need to remain strong if not a little emotionally battered. It might sound harsh but such is the role of an immortal ruler. The needs of the country come before their own and if one stallion can’t understand that there’s literally no chance for him because he's mortal then tough love dude. Reality is a bitch to everyone, not just you.
I've seem to have strayed from the whole of the picture a little. Let’s get back to Luna shall we? Ultimately, her argument sounds like the stallions should have control over who they get to have sex with when it’s always the females job of the species to decide that. Because the stallions are now the ones that have the potential of being used instead of the mares when it comes to sex, Luna thinks that they should be given an edge by regulating the “Heat in a Bottle” potion. I hate to say it but that’s just stupid. Potion or no, there will always be guys that girls don’t find attractive or will use just to get off. Giving stallions a way to change that is basically legalizing rape and just because something is legalized doesn't make it right to do.
Example: If the law made it so that murder was a completely legal thing to do, would you be fine with your neighbor breaking into your house and stabbing you to death with a knife? But I digress. I’m getting off topic again.
Now, if I were to ask you who you think would recover better from being used for sex in this stories setup, who do you think it would be? The males who crave it or the females that don’t? I think the answer is obvious. The only reason this potion even exists is because there are stallions that can’t get any sex during the mating seasons because the mares find them unattractive and not because of Celestia’s method of making sure that mares aren't being taken advantage of. If Celestia actually ends up approving the regulating the potion then how will it work exactly? Obviously it can’t be that both parties agree to using it because if both parties consented to having sex with each other then they wouldn't need the potion in order to have sex with each other.
I think I’ll end it here. This is already getting too long even for my liking and I think I've made my point on its topic clear for now. I would like to state that I know that this isn't the canon version of Equestria and is obviously an AU but I believe that a good story that uses an existing world for its foundation, regardless of what it’s about, should try to keep true to the characters that come from its foundation. I also know that you are not required to do so and that any opinions that I have stated here can and most likely will be dismissed if they do not align with yours and I’m ok with that. I have pointed out flaws that I believe need addressing and if you do not think so then there is nothing I can do. Even if they are not addressed, I’ll still keep reading the story. Mostly because I have a bad habit of needing to know the ending of a story that I've started. This habit has more than once dragged me through several stories (kicking and screaming) that were completely horrible and poorly written. Also, they were almost unreadable due to bad grammar. I’m happy to say that your story so far doesn't fall under anything I would consider completely horrible.
Luna gave a small chuckle. “Do not panic so. This is merely a dream and I believe there are rules stopping me from acting upon something like this in your fantasies.” She watched the quaking stallion before sighing. “That means the threat was a joke.”
There was a plot?
Makes no sense. How would Luna know about the potion just because it appeared in Donut Joe's dream? A regular male can't dream about what Donut Joe did normally?
5836773 It's possible that the information about the potion reached Luna's ears. At the very least we know Nurse Redheart is aware of it; she might have filed a report.
5836773
5837305
I forgot I had that in there, hence the slow response. Also, because she inserts herself into the dream, she is affected by its objects, like the bottle. Also, as far as the irregular dream bit, it comes from the fact that if someone never acts sexy, never portrays themselves as something you could be with, like all of the mares in Equestria, it becomes much harder to fantasize about. However, with the bottle, it becomes easier because they practically replace the mare with a product of the bottle. Hence, the whore, something almost never seen in Equestria nowadays except in the seediest parts of the nightlife.
5837438 Must have missed something, when did he confess to Luna?
5837517 Within the dream, just a bit before she left.
Just a quick heads up. This is going to be really really long so you don't have to read it if you are not up to reading a really long comment.
I read this and the only thing that popped into my head was “What the hell?”
You do realize that you wrote this to sound like Celestia is the reason why there is a rape potion and Luna doesn't want it destroyed. Only to have Celestia say that she’ll listen to what Luna has to say to her, again.
Celestia was already listening to what Luna had to say. This part is redundant and fails to get across what is actually happening. Sher, you explained why later along with the thought process behind it but that’s no excuse for making your reads feel like the story just shoved the line of thought the story was building completely to the side. If anything it looks like you just set up a fight between the two sisters only to completely confuse everyone with that last random comment from Celestia that sounds like it came from out of nowhere.
You might want to work on rewording this part.
This is where the real line of thought starts up between the two sisters. Celestia apparently starts a mental tactic that cept mares from becoming enslaved to their hormones when Celestia said and quote; “I had grown sick and tired of a well hung stallion having a mare, or mares, who clung to him simply because she became addicted to a level of pleasure that only he could bring, and only during the most vulnerable time of a mare’s life.”
This tells me that in the past, when a mare went into heat, stallions had the opportunity to turn mares into sex slaves. Not liking this, Celestia invented a method to prevent that from happening in the future.
Luna’s argument is that this method was wrong to implement because it stops stallions from being with the pony they had feelings for. Completely disregarding why it was needed in the first place. Saying that those pony where happy together stating that and quote; “those are some of the most passionate relationships I’d seen.” to which Celestia states that those relationships weren't real because of their hormones running wild. But then this line pops up.
This leads the reader to believe that (in the story) the mares of today, because of the method of mental control they have over there hormones, never establish meaningful relationships with stallions other than to just fuck once a year. If this were true then there shouldn't be any married couples in Equestria because the mares don’t actually love anyone. Also, this makes Luna sound like she likes having lots of sex and doesn't really care about who it’s with. Making her a complete hypocrite when she accuses her sister of not taking the feelings of the stallions into consideration.
Luna’s line of reasoning is filled with if, buts and maybes everywhere with nothing concrete to back her up. She ends up using her sister’s memories to try and prove her point but right here it seems that you failed to take into account that both Celestia and Luna are immortals and will never die outside of a violent or tragic end. Both of them can never have a meaningful relationship with anyone because anyone they fall in love with will eventually die and leave them alone. All this fact proves is that both Celestia and Luna can get away with using a stallion for sex because they will always be alone in the end regardless of both feelings and hormones. It might sound horrible but that’s just the way it is. This is also the main reason why they never have relationship outside of friendships on the show.
I dare anyone to try arguing about how horrible it is that a stallion who had a crush on them will never get that chance at marrying one of them just because she’s using him only for sex over the fact that both Celestia and Luna will always be emotionally hurting regardless of how they feel towards that stallion because they will always be alone in the end.
As rulers in charge of maintaining peace for their country for all eternity they can’t afford to be in mourning over a dead lover for the rest of their life. They need to remain strong if not a little emotionally battered. It might sound harsh but such is the role of an immortal ruler. The needs of the country come before their own and if one stallion can’t understand that there’s literally no chance for him because he's mortal then tough love dude. Reality is a bitch to everyone, not just you.
I've seem to have strayed from the whole of the picture a little. Let’s get back to Luna shall we?
Ultimately, her argument sounds like the stallions should have control over who they get to have sex with when it’s always the females job of the species to decide that. Because the stallions are now the ones that have the potential of being used instead of the mares when it comes to sex, Luna thinks that they should be given an edge by regulating the “Heat in a Bottle” potion. I hate to say it but that’s just stupid. Potion or no, there will always be guys that girls don’t find attractive or will use just to get off. Giving stallions a way to change that is basically legalizing rape and just because something is legalized doesn't make it right to do.
Example: If the law made it so that murder was a completely legal thing to do, would you be fine with your neighbor breaking into your house and stabbing you to death with a knife? But I digress. I’m getting off topic again.
Now, if I were to ask you who you think would recover better from being used for sex in this stories setup, who do you think it would be? The males who crave it or the females that don’t? I think the answer is obvious. The only reason this potion even exists is because there are stallions that can’t get any sex during the mating seasons because the mares find them unattractive and not because of Celestia’s method of making sure that mares aren't being taken advantage of. If Celestia actually ends up approving the regulating the potion then how will it work exactly? Obviously it can’t be that both parties agree to using it because if both parties consented to having sex with each other then they wouldn't need the potion in order to have sex with each other.
I think I’ll end it here. This is already getting too long even for my liking and I think I've made my point on its topic clear for now. I would like to state that I know that this isn't the canon version of Equestria and is obviously an AU but I believe that a good story that uses an existing world for its foundation, regardless of what it’s about, should try to keep true to the characters that come from its foundation. I also know that you are not required to do so and that any opinions that I have stated here can and most likely will be dismissed if they do not align with yours and I’m ok with that. I have pointed out flaws that I believe need addressing and if you do not think so then there is nothing I can do. Even if they are not addressed, I’ll still keep reading the story. Mostly because I have a bad habit of needing to know the ending of a story that I've started. This habit has more than once dragged me through several stories (kicking and screaming) that were completely horrible and poorly written. Also, they were almost unreadable due to bad grammar. I’m happy to say that your story so far doesn't fall under anything I would consider completely horrible.
OK now you're just doing this on f*cking purpose!
It wasn't very funy.