Aggression

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Applejack feels weird. She touched a red orb and it went into her body. Now she has a metal bat and is going to Ponyville.

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Comments ( 6 )

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BenRG

BenRG #1 · Jul 17th, 2014 · · ·

Yeah, Discord is the sort of guy who would leave something like that lying around and then adopt a "it's nothing to be worried about" nonchalance when it has caused havoc and chaos. Come to think of it, isn't that exactly how he reacted to the harm caused by his Plunderseeds in the season 4 opener?

Mudkipman98

Mudkipman98 #2 · Jul 17th, 2014 · · ·

I loved it, but you need to go back through and edit it again. Make sure that all of the words work in either present tense or past tense. You seem to be jumping back and forth between the two, and it's really distracting. Other than that, this was great.

Cool Doritos Locos Taco

Cool Doritos Locos Taco #3 · Jul 18th, 2014 · · ·

4709308
Thanks man! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I'll look into present tense and past tense too!
4708903
Yea, Discord sure is a massive troll

WrathOfGod519

WrathOfGod519 #4 · Sep 7th, 2014 · · ·

Sexy

Typewrittensoul

Typewrittensoul #5 · Mar 22nd, 2015 · 2 · ·

So...I can sort-of see what the idea was, but the execution of the narrative seems to be quite unintentionally disjointed. To me, it stems from your writing style, at least from what I can tell given only this oneshot to judge you on. The ending "reveal" is an intentional mechanic for "surprise" but it doesn't really, well...make the story any more interesting. Doesn't really add, per se, to what was going on. No real focus on finding out the "why" but the resulting effects.

How else could I explain it other than saying that your wording is awkward.

No pony would dare steal now a days so it was okay to let your fruit shake under the cold wind of the night.

I thought that would be that major "what?" for the fic until I saw:

Applejack knew that taking these fruit was a crime punishable by a painful and fear-inducing death.

I...ok...as creative as that sort of headcanon is, it hardly improves the reading experience of Applejack going Gallagher on a bunch of fruit. In all honesty you would have been better off doing this story in full chronological order, rather than starting off from the "action" and then backtracking to work toward the first scene once more. Especially for a oneshot, a lot more people would have been interested enough to continue if it flowed in this fashion:

Applejack working on the farm
Applejack is unknowingly affected by orb
Applejack is steadily enraged by different things until she goes into town and wrecks the joint (mostly the other fruit stands).
Discord stops by, sees the delicious chaos and simply floats off with orb in tow after making a comment.

My friend, the path toward improving requires much more experience gained by simply continuing to write and more importantly, continue to read other fiction. And I mean other as in non-fanfiction. Different sort of stories, styles, genres. But yeah, just keep writing and don't be afraid to include sentences, metaphors, analogies, etc that you come across in your reading.

Take care.

Rye Snoot