A fan of MLP for a long while. Fluttershy is best pony, and I also enjoy webcomics, Captain America, Batman, and I am currently in the process of writing my first MLP fic, Equestria Eclipsed!
After the disappearance of the ponies of Trottingham, the Mane 6 go to investigate, along with Princess Celestia, who has taken a personal interest in the case. After investigating, it is revealed that what happened has ties to the origins of Equestria, and the princesses. Along the way, friendships are tested, allies are found, enemies are discovered, and a villain as old as Equestria makes himself known...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I always love new authors, it reminds me of when I first joined
You need to make sure you know the syntax for written English before writing English. Specifically for dialogue.
English speaker is not the same as English writer.
This will probably help.
Your main issues are that you have commas before when you shouldn't, you have a random comma after the quotes sometimes, and you don't change the period to a comma when you should.
4688053 Oh, I see... yeah, that's always been a bit of a problem for me, I suppose. I guess I've just never really figured out how to do quotes properly.
4688088 So do that, then edit your work. Then continue.
4688091 Thank you for your feedback, I'll be sure to fix my mistakes.
You have a few minor bumps but I really enjoy your story, it has a lot of potential. I'm really curious about what's going on so don't make me wait too long. Keep it up dude!
As a big Mass Effect fan I can't stop thinking the Collectors are behind this.
On a more serious note, this is a really great story and I can't wait for an update to find out what's going on.
While I can't help thinking that Eclipse being a magical ubermensch and the size of a war elephant is a bit much, overall this is really interesting. I don't see why the rainbow would only work once but, hey, it's your story.