Upon visiting her sister's dream, Luna witnesses something that will threaten the only real relationship she has left, changing everything she thought she knew about herself and her sister.
4700867 Well, I guess believable would have to be on a scale from 'Shark-nado' to 'The sun will rise in the east tomorrow.' 4700857 Thank you both for responding.
Could've sworn this had a teen rating last I checked. Either way, it was wonderful. Can't say I got off to it (or tried, really) but I did just get a little teary eyed at the end. The dialogue was all interesting and easy to follow and the situation as a whole does seem believable in a twisted sort of way. Only thing I could recommend doing is reading through maybe one more time, 'cause there are a few small errors that don't really break the flow but kind of stand out here and there throughout this part.
I liked this. I've read a number of stories with a similar pretense and I've liked each one. There's a saying in the fandom, 'princest is wincest', and it's been true every time I've come across this pairing.
4700940 No, it was mature from the get go, but I'm glad that you still enjoyed it despite the erotic bits. I'm glad I managed to touch your heart a little. Thank you.
I may go through it again (editing on my phone may not have been the wisest decision).
Rather cute and sweet, could use some cleaning up here and there, seeing as there's some words littered about that don't seem to belong. I've always adored this pairing, so I would love to have seen this portion drawn out, the confession of sorts. Luna growing to accept it and Celestia admitting it is so rich with potential emotion. Maybe a bit quick this time, but overall very enjoyable. As for the sex scene, remember, horses only have two nipples (technically, teats), and their privates are furless~ though with our cartoon ponies, that's a free for all.
In addition to this sometimes it was a bit hard to follow their positions, especially the wings had me wondering about Celestia's position. It was a bit difficult to visualize considering the stiffness of wings, and has me a bit unsure of- how to imagine it. Either way, enjoyable read~
The emotional turmoil at the critical moment had be unsure if it was going to go fair or foul. It kept the suspense right until the last moment, as I somewhat expected Luna to hit a point of self-loathing rejection at her own weakness. Well done!
One small mistake - "it slided along Celestia’s moist inner walls," should be 'It slid', I believe, as it was missing a capital and 'slided' is an improper form, the past tense is 'slid'. Quirk of English, etc.
4701128 I have no idea why I thought they had four, really need to stop making those silly assumptions (fixed) As for drawing it out... I have a real distaste for character's saying what they mean. Everything is filtered based on the four 'W's (who, what, when, where). I should have spent more time on Celestia's thoughts and internal reactions, but as I wrote it, it seemed more natural not to, or at least nothing I came up with seemed to fit right. If I'd written this chapter from Luna's perspective, it would have been longer and focused on her coming around to the idea before Celetia showed up and during the first embrace, but symmetry demanded I go with Celestia. I guess I could have also made the last chapter longer... something to remember for next time. Based on the show, pegasi wings (and therefor alicorn wings) seem to border on prehensile, so it may have been uncomfortable, but to my mind, not undoable. Still, looking at it, I'd have been better served by putting them at something of an angle, with Luna slightly on top.
4701043 My attraction to this ship is the inherent conflict and emotional connection. No other ship can compare to the near fairytale nature of two sister's reunited after a millennia apart, where... well, you know the rest.
4701238 I make no promises, but I have an inkling of a sequel idea...
4701330 Fixed. Thanks. I actually had to struggle with whether or not I thought she would come around when she did. If chapter three had not come out as strong as it did (or as strong as I think it did), I had a backup plan that would have added two more chapters and involved brining in Cadence. Glad I didn't have to do that.
That was one of the most graceful and tender romance fics I have ever read,(and I read an obscene amount) and the fact its the two sisters made this even more so! Nothing is more romantic than taboo relationships, and having it be a sibling, someone you've known and loved all your life , then taking it that much further? Amazing. This story was amazing.
The reason I put this story in "email me if it updates" was because it was very romantic and touching. It also made me realise that this ship is actually viable. Despite being sisgers they have lived a few thousand years with only each other as constants. And there's a theory about the human mind that says that if you spend enough time with somebody you're attracted to, you're gonna end up falling for them.
I came expecting clop. I got a nice little romance that made it possible.
An interesting question that should be pondered is whether the princesses being family matters, seeing as they are only as related as they tell other ponies. No one was alive when they were born that also is alive and trusted enough to confirm that they are in fact related.
Cadance, for example, is technically not related to Celestia, but most consider her to be Celestia's niece because that's what canon said.
4702328 If they had played it that way from the start? Maybe. But there is enough recorded history, literature, and their own proclamations before the start of this story that establish them to the populous as sisters. A generation or two down the road and they could probably curb that, but forty to sixty years is a long time to wait, even for immortals.
Besides that, a good portion of the appeal is in the taboo of it.
My take on Cadence is that she is a niece by informal adoption. "Crystal Heart Spell" has her as being a pegasus raised by earth ponies prior to her ascension whereupon Celestia brought her to Canterlot. Celestia is her aunt in the same way my dad's best friend is my 'Uncle' Jim.
4702146 Yes. Come rejoice and pay homage to the glory that is Princest.
4702358 That said, TwiLuna is still my favourite pairing :3 I might actually try to write some TwiLuna, and then some Lunestia. Of course after I'm done with my Octavia fic. TOO MANY IDEAS, STOP GIVING ME SO MANY IDEAS PEOPLE.
Ahem, let me be brutally honest and get straight to the point: this was one of the best Lunestia stories I've had the pleasure to read so far. You covered the inner turmoil in each of the sisters well, while also conveying the loneliness within Celestia's heart believably. I, as the reader, really felt for her, was moved by the emotions raging within her. A millenium of loneliness, of aching desire, of a painful longing for a love that is considered forbidden, is something that we cannot really comprehend, being unable to experience it ourselves. That being said, I still felt you were able to convey these emotions and their weight to your audience and they really had an impact, made us feel alongside Celestia.
Luna's emotions, too, were very believable and we could feel alongside of her. Her initial confusion and shock at the discovery of her sister's longing, how she struggled with it, finally culminating in this chapter. I think the way you brought them together was just perfect. Seeing Luna scream at Celestia, asking if she should make her grovel and beg, felt very powerful. As you know, I'm not a fan of Dom-Luna / Sub-Celestia, so to me this almost felt like Luna was appalled by the idea, that she would not and could not do such a thing to her sister, a sister she loved. I don't know if that was your intent, but that's what it felt like to me and I loved it. Intentional or not, thank you so much for that scene.
Then, finally, the clop, though calling it merely clop feels almost like an insult. This was not just clop, my friend. What you wrote was passion and love. It was not just Luna and Celestia having sex, it was so much more than that. Because of the buildup and the development of their characters, we know it was much more than just that. It was granting each other's desire, soothing that millenium old ache, filling that gaping hole of loneliness in their hearts. If ever there was a scene where the characters made love to each other, this would be it. There was no roleplaying, no special kinks, no fancy spells or magical appendages; it was straight up, pure, heartfelt, passionate, emotional vanilla sex between two beautiful mares who are deeply in love with each other.
And it was glorious.
Thank you for this story. It can proudly step up and take its place next to the other great Lunestia stories (rare as they are), for that is where it belongs. I don't care if the grammar or spelling or sentence structure or whatever wasn't perfect (if they weren't, I at least didn't notice, but then again english isn't my first language). This story had heart. It had soul. It was emotional and beautiful, and frankly, that's all that it needs.
Big thumbs up and my sincerest thanks for giving us this touching tale to feast our eyes on.
Believable? That's a loaded word in the land of pastel-coloured, winged horses, isn't it?
It was romantic as all get-out, however, and simultaneously the fact that they are sisters both mattered and it didn't. You can't control who you fall in love with, after all. Possibly also the most beautifully-written sex scene I've come across (phrasing), and this stands head-and-withers above the competition. The fact that you took the time to fully draw out both characters' personalities, their reactions to what was happening, earns you much praise from me.
I mean... shit. How am I supposed to respond to that? Saying thank you just doesn't seem like it's enough. I feel like I should say a speech or something. I am just not prepared for that kind of praise. I don't know if your expecting any kind of reply, or what. But all I have is thank you. So, Grazie.
4702665 Of course it isn't, the believability lies solely with the characterization. Also, it's always nice to have someone toot my horn [phrasing].
I wasn't sure what to expect. A first time author's first story is a bit of a gamble. I am not a grammar nazi, but I have developed a bit of appreciation for the correct use of the language. I'm going to recommend you find a competent editor, and fast, because your writing is very good, and it shouldn't be marred by imperfections that can be easily spotted.
You submitted this to my group, and while your story isn't perfect, it is exactly what I ask of any story I approve. There is emotion here, and story, it adds to the meaning of the love scene. It will make a fine addition.
4702539 the Dislestia one can be pretty cute but it takes a lot of world building to achieve, and it's just not worth it. And I really don't get the Rarity x Luna one, to be honest. I've seen a few, but I don't get why. Though I wrote an Octavia x Luna ship so I shouldn't judge. Besides, I don't see why ship Luna with any of the mane5 except Twilight.
I just got to reading this [from chapter 2], and I must say that while a bit of me is sad that we don't see the after math / more of their relationship [how others / the nation / friends react]. I am at the same time glad that I read this, it was sad, emotional, deep, and captured the emotions and mindset of the sisters very well. This was a good read, and a part of me hopes this gets a sequel, and if not, then it was still a fic worth reading. And probably one of the few that I'll be re-reading someday.
4703084 'Infected' was the intended, but 'abject' may be the better. I chose it because I'm trying to learn Italian and I thought it sounded nice.
4703168 Thank you. I'm considering a sequel, but as with this one, I will need something more at steak. There was more going on than just a question of love after all. I have an idea, but it only gets me to the initial reveal. We'll see.
4702790 Are there that many mistakes? I mean, I'm not perfect, I know, but I thought I was pretty good. I'll claim that some might be intentional, because some are, and others might be a shot in the dark due to a lack of a better way to carry the message. Either way, thank you. I'm pleased that you found it up to your standards.
4701379 I can totally see what you mean, natural feeling dialog is the most delicious thing you can get in a story, with all its vagueness and leaps. I don't feel you 'rushed' this scene, it worked, it worked really well. But as someone who loves the emotional and prodding dialog and thoughts as part of this ship, more is always a desire~
4703032 I know, but I really don't see how their personalities or personal stories could ever make them a match. Even their interests are majorly different.
4703331 I am sorry that this has caused you any undue stress. While I appreciate where you are coming from, I promise that that is the single slice of the single scene that might justify the 'Dark' tag. As a single joke does not a comedy make, nor does one act of violence mean the story is dark. Again, I apologize for any misunderstanding, but ask that you continue on reading. If you do not trust my word, perhaps a short perusal of the other comments will suffice.
As for drawing it out... I have a real distaste for character's saying what they mean
I understand this sentiment, but...for fuck's sake, the fact that Luna saw her sister's dream is never explicitly spelled out, which makes it a huge plot hole, especially since it's the igniting moment for the whole story. Hells, you'd have needed only one line! And the question of whether Celestia left her "dream defenses" down on purpose or unconsciously, in order to show Luna what her feelings are, isn't addressed either
That's just...it left a bad taste for me throughout all this chapter, which infuriates me since up to now I loved this fic.
4704636 I'm sorry. I did try to include mention of that, but it always came out extremely out of place, which is my failing. But, allow me to explain further why I did it the way I did.
I could never get Celestia to ask because
The ‘hows’ and ‘whys’ refused to coalesce in Celestia’s mind. None of that mattered. Her beloved Luna was hurting...
Why and how is for after the crisis has passed. So, yes, at some point later, Luna and Celestia would be having a pointed conversation about this. As for Luna, I could say something similar, but that'd be at least a little disingenuous. I did have a line with her saying what she'd done, but all it amounted to was a pothole instead of a plot-hole, taking away far more than it added. The specifics of Luna's rant equate to a round-about confession, Celestia being smart enough to put two and two together once she stops to think about it.
As for Celestia leaving her dream unguarded, there are two explanations that I came up with the moment I wrote about her having ever guarded her dreams. First, it's been a thousand years since she needed it so the habit would have died long ago. Second, she did keep it up, but, wanting to rebuild the lost trust, stopped a full two years ago and was waiting for Luna to notice.
But these are just excuses. I am sorry that these things got in the way of you really enjoying the full story.
Well i must say the way you wrote this is compelling. Great word choices and the pacing was pretty good as well. As princest goes this ain't half bad and as a first foray into cloppy time its pretty damn good. All in all, did not fap but it is an excellent warm up piece.
It was good. I much prefer some background over just a single clopchapter. If I were to write a Celestia/Luna story (which I sometimes think about - sadly I just can't write), it would would be somewhat alike, inner turmoil, thought process, hesistance wise. That also made it 'predictable' for me, but I don't think that's a flaw or anything, more that it's something I find realistic and can get behind. And it's not like a story like this is intended to have plot twists or anything. :P
English isn't my native tongue, but I've been able to read it without issue for many years. Yet there were a bunch of words I didn't knew and never heard before. Not sure if that's me lacking or you purposely searching for uncommon words. If the second, I'm not sure if that's a good thing. There were some simple grammar mistakes here and there too. ("Between the shift in weight and only having three legs to work with, Celestia her lost balance.") It doesn't bother me a lot, but I thought it's worth to mention.
I found a few instances in the last chapter a bit too mushy. For example, the multiple cases of "I love you" - "I love you," especially the one at the end. But... (honestly, I have difficulties putting it in to words), I don't think it's unrealistic or anything. Of course they're overly emotional and can say little else besides that. Everyone would be sappy at a time like that. I can understand. Maybe it's just been done a lot, a little cliche? Maybe it was because it went exactly as I expected? Or bit too much of it at once? I'm not sure. I just didn't liked it very much, but I can't really criticize it either, as it's probably how it would go. I don't think I'm making a lot of sense here. Sorry. If you can't relate, ignore it, as I don't know how to do it better.
Glanced a bit over other comments... when Luna started yelling to Celestia about kissing her hoof and such, I thought it was obvious that Celestia realized that Luna had seen such things in her dreams. Didn't think there were plotholes or anything and leaving such things that are easily assumed unsaid is perfect.
All in all, top Celestia/Luna story. As someone who tends to only read stories with Celestia as main character (everything, not just clop), this was a rare and pleasant treat. So thanks for sharing. Would love to read more from you.
4707144 Thank you. I'm pleased you liked it so much. As to the grammar mistakes... I could read it a hundred times and still miss things, but that's life. Thank you for pointing that one out. To the word usage, depending on which words you are speaking about, it was most likely an attempt to avoid excessive 'word repetition' which is something that always bothers me. It is likely that I stretched a little too far on some of them though. As to the exessive 'I love you' bits, I agree completely. It felt, at the same time, overly mushy but somehow right. So, yeah, I'm not sure either Again, thank you for the comment.
4705881 Hehe. Thanks. I'll probably have a lot of trouble writing clopy clop, being more interested in the romance part myself. But I'll keep trying.
4707331 About the mushy stuff, yeah. It feels right, realism wise. Nothing odd about a new couple whispering mushy stuff in each others ears over and over, especially them. But perhaps it's not very good, writing wise. I don't know... Maybe it would be better to 'describe' them being mushy (on some occasions), instead of outright writing their spoken words? If you know what I mean?
"Describing dialogue" from a stylistic standpoint is always, always, always, always, always wrong always. Never, ever do it. It will never look natural, and it will never sufficiently do what dialogue can. It's stilted and artificial to tell us what the dialogue was as opposed to show us what the dialogue was. I know "show don't tell" is often what bad reviewers say when they want to have a "minor criticism" but it really is important and can make a break a story if you're too telly.
I will concede though that it can also make or break a story to be too showy. Hell, does the scene even need mushy language? Dialogue isn't always the answer either. Horses, especially the deformed sort we're given to work with and their more humanoid facial flexes, tend to be very expressive creatures. There's a lot you can say from a facial expression, from the twitch of an ear or the tremble of a lip.
I'll have to actually read the fic to see how I can help but it's 7 AM and I pulled an all-nighter and well this comment caught my eye and I suddenly decided to get all weird and crazy so forgive me please I mean no offense to you dear commentor and author I'm sorry I'm tired and dumb bai.
I am not darf I won't argue this point I'll just put it up for consideration
4708514 Normally, nine point nine nine times out of ten, I would agree. However, there are times when dialogue is the lesser option. As with all 'Rules' the most important thing is knowing them well enough to know when and how to break them. Here are a few examples... 1) Repeating information: retelling events that happened in the story (This is something you should NEVER do. Unless you are twisting the retelling and want to give the readers a chance to notice.) 2) Where the words themselves don't matter: Example: He started screaming at me, yelling obscenities and cursing me in every way he could imagine as I walked away. At the door, I paused, looked him square in the eyes, told him to go fuck himself, and left. 'His' exact words add nothing to the scene and while the speaker's could be made into dialogue, doing so garners no additional weight and runs the risk of interrupting the flow.
But there is no need to apologize. I sincerely hope that, when you do read it, you both enjoy it and come back to point out each and every way that I am wrong, because I like real criticism.
Oh, no. I didn't just meant describing their words, like "I love you." I agree that it would probably be silly. I meant describing them being mushy, to avoid the repetition of words like "I love you," even though that might very well be what's said (over and over again). Honestly, I wasn't even aware that this fell in the (overused/lazy) "show, don't tell" category of criticism. That's how little critique I give...
I do think Landgrave understood exactly what I tried to point out, seeing the examples, as he also knew exactly the part(s) I was referring to. I also think it's probably something that's very hard to get right, to get good at. I certainly have no idea how to do it... but it seems like Landgrave knows. :)
I think it's why I especially liked the early chapters, as the troubles and mixed feelings they both had were written very well and felt real. It was only the last chapter that made me notice this.
I liked it, and for a first time author you know your shit, but I felt like this chapter was just sorta gifted to the read. Not bad in any respect, I've done tons worse but it's lacking something. Context. Because nothing is explained, why/when Celestia developed these feelings, the consequences of these actions, what was going through Luna's head when drinking, why Luna agreed to sex? All of these could've built context from your earlier character rounding.
Personally I would've not done the sex scene, and just left it up to the reader to interpret the ending by the previous chapters but that's just me. Over all I say a 9-9.5/10, and happily welcome you and your story to my group http://www.fimfiction.net/group/17/the-fillyfoolers.
Keep up the strong work, and I hope to see more.
FF, out. P.S Umm...look in to some sites on how the female orgasm works and what happens, cause your descriptions are, inaccurate to say the least. And it sort of kills the whole realism element you've got going on when your characters start having really strange orgasms.
This is touching and erotic, very well done sir
4700867
Well, I guess believable would have to be on a scale from 'Shark-nado' to 'The sun will rise in the east tomorrow.'
4700857
Thank you both for responding.
Could've sworn this had a teen rating last I checked.
Either way, it was wonderful. Can't say I got off to it (or tried, really) but I did just get a little teary eyed at the end. The dialogue was all interesting and easy to follow and the situation as a whole does seem believable in a twisted sort of way. Only thing I could recommend doing is reading through maybe one more time, 'cause there are a few small errors that don't really break the flow but kind of stand out here and there throughout this part.
I liked this. I've read a number of stories with a similar pretense and I've liked each one. There's a saying in the fandom, 'princest is wincest', and it's been true every time I've come across this pairing.
4700940
No, it was mature from the get go, but I'm glad that you still enjoyed it despite the erotic bits.
I'm glad I managed to touch your heart a little. Thank you.
I may go through it again (editing on my phone may not have been the wisest decision).
Rather cute and sweet, could use some cleaning up here and there, seeing as there's some words littered about that don't seem to belong. I've always adored this pairing, so I would love to have seen this portion drawn out, the confession of sorts. Luna growing to accept it and Celestia admitting it is so rich with potential emotion. Maybe a bit quick this time, but overall very enjoyable. As for the sex scene, remember, horses only have two nipples (technically, teats), and their privates are furless~ though with our cartoon ponies, that's a free for all.
In addition to this sometimes it was a bit hard to follow their positions, especially the wings had me wondering about Celestia's position. It was a bit difficult to visualize considering the stiffness of wings, and has me a bit unsure of- how to imagine it. Either way, enjoyable read~
Guard standing at the open door: DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE........
Strangely enough, I was a little too invested in their emotions to actually get off XD (you did a really good job of it IMO)
Maybe I'll go through it a second time and I'll see. This is very well written, and I eagerly wait for more from you :)
epilogue please.
damn fine story.
The emotional turmoil at the critical moment had be unsure if it was going to go fair or foul. It kept the suspense right until the last moment, as I somewhat expected Luna to hit a point of self-loathing rejection at her own weakness. Well done!
One small mistake - "it slided along Celestia’s moist inner walls," should be 'It slid', I believe, as it was missing a capital and 'slided' is an improper form, the past tense is 'slid'. Quirk of English, etc.
4701128
I have no idea why I thought they had four, really need to stop making those silly assumptions (fixed)
As for drawing it out... I have a real distaste for character's saying what they mean. Everything is filtered based on the four 'W's (who, what, when, where). I should have spent more time on Celestia's thoughts and internal reactions, but as I wrote it, it seemed more natural not to, or at least nothing I came up with seemed to fit right. If I'd written this chapter from Luna's perspective, it would have been longer and focused on her coming around to the idea before Celetia showed up and during the first embrace, but symmetry demanded I go with Celestia. I guess I could have also made the last chapter longer... something to remember for next time.
Based on the show, pegasi wings (and therefor alicorn wings) seem to border on prehensile, so it may have been uncomfortable, but to my mind, not undoable. Still, looking at it, I'd have been better served by putting them at something of an angle, with Luna slightly on top.
4701043
My attraction to this ship is the inherent conflict and emotional connection. No other ship can compare to the near fairytale nature of two sister's reunited after a millennia apart, where... well, you know the rest.
4701173
I know! Right? Awkward!
4701194
Thank you, that means a lot.
4701238
I make no promises, but I have an inkling of a sequel idea...
4701330
Fixed.
Thanks. I actually had to struggle with whether or not I thought she would come around when she did. If chapter three had not come out as strong as it did (or as strong as I think it did), I had a backup plan that would have added two more chapters and involved brining in Cadence. Glad I didn't have to do that.
4701379
That was fucking hot.
That was one of the most graceful and tender romance fics I have ever read,(and I read an obscene amount) and the fact its the two sisters made this even more so! Nothing is more romantic than taboo relationships, and having it be a sibling, someone you've known and loved all your life , then taking it that much further? Amazing. This story was amazing.
4701430
You're fucking hot!
4701882
You are far too kind. Thank you.
The reason I put this story in "email me if it updates" was because it was very romantic and touching.
It also made me realise that this ship is actually viable. Despite being sisgers they have lived a few thousand years with only each other as constants. And there's a theory about the human mind that says that if you spend enough time with somebody you're attracted to, you're gonna end up falling for them.
I came expecting clop. I got a nice little romance that made it possible.
An interesting question that should be pondered is whether the princesses being family matters, seeing as they are only as related as they tell other ponies. No one was alive when they were born that also is alive and trusted enough to confirm that they are in fact related.
Cadance, for example, is technically not related to Celestia, but most consider her to be Celestia's niece because that's what canon said.
4702328
If they had played it that way from the start? Maybe. But there is enough recorded history, literature, and their own proclamations before the start of this story that establish them to the populous as sisters. A generation or two down the road and they could probably curb that, but forty to sixty years is a long time to wait, even for immortals.
Besides that, a good portion of the appeal is in the taboo of it.
My take on Cadence is that she is a niece by informal adoption. "Crystal Heart Spell" has her as being a pegasus raised by earth ponies prior to her ascension whereupon Celestia brought her to Canterlot. Celestia is her aunt in the same way my dad's best friend is my 'Uncle' Jim.
4702146
Yes. Come rejoice and pay homage to the glory that is Princest.
4702358 That said, TwiLuna is still my favourite pairing :3
I might actually try to write some TwiLuna, and then some Lunestia. Of course after I'm done with my Octavia fic. TOO MANY IDEAS, STOP GIVING ME SO MANY IDEAS PEOPLE.
4702366
DiscordXcelestia
LunaXrarity
Discord before he was completely out of control.
4702539
Nope nope nope nope. You keep those dirty paws of my Tia! That is one ship I can not sail.
Ahem, let me be brutally honest and get straight to the point: this was one of the best Lunestia stories I've had the pleasure to read so far. You covered the inner turmoil in each of the sisters well, while also conveying the loneliness within Celestia's heart believably. I, as the reader, really felt for her, was moved by the emotions raging within her. A millenium of loneliness, of aching desire, of a painful longing for a love that is considered forbidden, is something that we cannot really comprehend, being unable to experience it ourselves. That being said, I still felt you were able to convey these emotions and their weight to your audience and they really had an impact, made us feel alongside Celestia.
Luna's emotions, too, were very believable and we could feel alongside of her. Her initial confusion and shock at the discovery of her sister's longing, how she struggled with it, finally culminating in this chapter. I think the way you brought them together was just perfect. Seeing Luna scream at Celestia, asking if she should make her grovel and beg, felt very powerful. As you know, I'm not a fan of Dom-Luna / Sub-Celestia, so to me this almost felt like Luna was appalled by the idea, that she would not and could not do such a thing to her sister, a sister she loved. I don't know if that was your intent, but that's what it felt like to me and I loved it. Intentional or not, thank you so much for that scene.
Then, finally, the clop, though calling it merely clop feels almost like an insult. This was not just clop, my friend. What you wrote was passion and love. It was not just Luna and Celestia having sex, it was so much more than that. Because of the buildup and the development of their characters, we know it was much more than just that. It was granting each other's desire, soothing that millenium old ache, filling that gaping hole of loneliness in their hearts. If ever there was a scene where the characters made love to each other, this would be it. There was no roleplaying, no special kinks, no fancy spells or magical appendages; it was straight up, pure, heartfelt, passionate, emotional vanilla sex between two beautiful mares who are deeply in love with each other.
And it was glorious.
Thank you for this story. It can proudly step up and take its place next to the other great Lunestia stories (rare as they are), for that is where it belongs. I don't care if the grammar or spelling or sentence structure or whatever wasn't perfect (if they weren't, I at least didn't notice, but then again english isn't my first language). This story had heart. It had soul. It was emotional and beautiful, and frankly, that's all that it needs.
Big thumbs up and my sincerest thanks for giving us this touching tale to feast our eyes on.
4702558
i.imgur.com/a3Lx7EP.gif
Believable? That's a loaded word in the land of pastel-coloured, winged horses, isn't it?
It was romantic as all get-out, however, and simultaneously the fact that they are sisters both mattered and it didn't. You can't control who you fall in love with, after all. Possibly also the most beautifully-written sex scene I've come across (phrasing), and this stands head-and-withers above the competition. The fact that you took the time to fully draw out both characters' personalities, their reactions to what was happening, earns you much praise from me.
4702583
Oh... I... wow. Hold on, I need a moment.
I mean... shit. How am I supposed to respond to that? Saying thank you just doesn't seem like it's enough. I feel like I should say a speech or something. I am just not prepared for that kind of praise. I don't know if your expecting any kind of reply, or what. But all I have is thank you. So, Grazie.
4702665
Of course it isn't, the believability lies solely with the characterization.
Also, it's always nice to have someone toot my horn [phrasing].
That was... quite beautiful.
I wasn't sure what to expect. A first time author's first story is a bit of a gamble. I am not a grammar nazi, but I have developed a bit of appreciation for the correct use of the language. I'm going to recommend you find a competent editor, and fast, because your writing is very good, and it shouldn't be marred by imperfections that can be easily spotted.
You submitted this to my group, and while your story isn't perfect, it is exactly what I ask of any story I approve. There is emotion here, and story, it adds to the meaning of the love scene. It will make a fine addition.
I'll be watching for more from you.
4702539 the Dislestia one can be pretty cute but it takes a lot of world building to achieve, and it's just not worth it.
And I really don't get the Rarity x Luna one, to be honest. I've seen a few, but I don't get why.
Though I wrote an Octavia x Luna ship so I shouldn't judge. Besides, I don't see why ship Luna with any of the mane5 except Twilight.4702822 Well, it's like Appledash. Luna and Rarity are the same voice actor. It's basically selfcest.
I kid. Actually I think the biggest reason would be Rarity's obsession with marrying into royalty.
4702822
Twiluna is best though.
4702828 ah, so it would be an unhealthy relationship based on that desire, shame, it kinda seemed interesting
4702848 it's one of the two ships that that I just love above everything else.
4703000 Well, it doesn't have to be. Like most ships, it can be as deep or shallow as the story behind it.
I just got to reading this [from chapter 2], and I must say that while a bit of me is sad that we don't see the after math / more of their relationship [how others / the nation / friends react]. I am at the same time glad that I read this, it was sad, emotional, deep, and captured the emotions and mindset of the sisters very well. This was a good read, and a part of me hopes this gets a sequel, and if not, then it was still a fic worth reading. And probably one of the few that I'll be re-reading someday.
4703084
'Infected' was the intended, but 'abject' may be the better. I chose it because I'm trying to learn Italian and I thought it sounded nice.
4703168
Thank you. I'm considering a sequel, but as with this one, I will need something more at steak. There was more going on than just a question of love after all. I have an idea, but it only gets me to the initial reveal. We'll see.
4702790
Are there that many mistakes? I mean, I'm not perfect, I know, but I thought I was pretty good. I'll claim that some might be intentional, because some are, and others might be a shot in the dark due to a lack of a better way to carry the message.
Either way, thank you. I'm pleased that you found it up to your standards.
4701379 I can totally see what you mean, natural feeling dialog is the most delicious thing you can get in a story, with all its vagueness and leaps. I don't feel you 'rushed' this scene, it worked, it worked really well. But as someone who loves the emotional and prodding dialog and thoughts as part of this ship, more is always a desire~
4703032 I know, but I really don't see how their personalities or personal stories could ever make them a match. Even their interests are majorly different.
4703331
I am sorry that this has caused you any undue stress. While I appreciate where you are coming from, I promise that that is the single slice of the single scene that might justify the 'Dark' tag. As a single joke does not a comedy make, nor does one act of violence mean the story is dark.
Again, I apologize for any misunderstanding, but ask that you continue on reading. If you do not trust my word, perhaps a short perusal of the other comments will suffice.
Lovely is the only word I can think of for this. Just, simply, lovely.
4701379
I understand this sentiment, but...for fuck's sake, the fact that Luna saw her sister's dream is never explicitly spelled out, which makes it a huge plot hole, especially since it's the igniting moment for the whole story.
Hells, you'd have needed only one line!
And the question of whether Celestia left her "dream defenses" down on purpose or unconsciously, in order to show Luna what her feelings are, isn't addressed either
That's just...it left a bad taste for me throughout all this chapter, which infuriates me since up to now I loved this fic.
4704636
I'm sorry. I did try to include mention of that, but it always came out extremely out of place, which is my failing. But, allow me to explain further why I did it the way I did.
I could never get Celestia to ask because
Why and how is for after the crisis has passed. So, yes, at some point later, Luna and Celestia would be having a pointed conversation about this.
As for Luna, I could say something similar, but that'd be at least a little disingenuous. I did have a line with her saying what she'd done, but all it amounted to was a pothole instead of a plot-hole, taking away far more than it added. The specifics of Luna's rant equate to a round-about confession, Celestia being smart enough to put two and two together once she stops to think about it.
As for Celestia leaving her dream unguarded, there are two explanations that I came up with the moment I wrote about her having ever guarded her dreams. First, it's been a thousand years since she needed it so the habit would have died long ago. Second, she did keep it up, but, wanting to rebuild the lost trust, stopped a full two years ago and was waiting for Luna to notice.
But these are just excuses. I am sorry that these things got in the way of you really enjoying the full story.
Well i must say the way you wrote this is compelling. Great word choices and the pacing was pretty good as well.
As princest goes this ain't half bad and as a first foray into cloppy time its pretty damn good.
All in all, did not fap but it is an excellent warm up piece.
It was good. I much prefer some background over just a single clopchapter. If I were to write a Celestia/Luna story (which I sometimes think about - sadly I just can't write), it would would be somewhat alike, inner turmoil, thought process, hesistance wise. That also made it 'predictable' for me, but I don't think that's a flaw or anything, more that it's something I find realistic and can get behind. And it's not like a story like this is intended to have plot twists or anything. :P
English isn't my native tongue, but I've been able to read it without issue for many years. Yet there were a bunch of words I didn't knew and never heard before. Not sure if that's me lacking or you purposely searching for uncommon words. If the second, I'm not sure if that's a good thing. There were some simple grammar mistakes here and there too. ("Between the shift in weight and only having three legs to work with, Celestia her lost balance.") It doesn't bother me a lot, but I thought it's worth to mention.
I found a few instances in the last chapter a bit too mushy. For example, the multiple cases of "I love you" - "I love you," especially the one at the end. But... (honestly, I have difficulties putting it in to words), I don't think it's unrealistic or anything. Of course they're overly emotional and can say little else besides that. Everyone would be sappy at a time like that. I can understand. Maybe it's just been done a lot, a little cliche? Maybe it was because it went exactly as I expected? Or bit too much of it at once? I'm not sure. I just didn't liked it very much, but I can't really criticize it either, as it's probably how it would go. I don't think I'm making a lot of sense here. Sorry. If you can't relate, ignore it, as I don't know how to do it better.
Glanced a bit over other comments... when Luna started yelling to Celestia about kissing her hoof and such, I thought it was obvious that Celestia realized that Luna had seen such things in her dreams. Didn't think there were plotholes or anything and leaving such things that are easily assumed unsaid is perfect.
All in all, top Celestia/Luna story. As someone who tends to only read stories with Celestia as main character (everything, not just clop), this was a rare and pleasant treat. So thanks for sharing. Would love to read more from you.
4707144
Thank you. I'm pleased you liked it so much.
As to the grammar mistakes... I could read it a hundred times and still miss things, but that's life. Thank you for pointing that one out.
To the word usage, depending on which words you are speaking about, it was most likely an attempt to avoid excessive 'word repetition' which is something that always bothers me. It is likely that I stretched a little too far on some of them though.
As to the exessive 'I love you' bits, I agree completely. It felt, at the same time, overly mushy but somehow right. So, yeah, I'm not sure either
Again, thank you for the comment.
4705881
Hehe. Thanks. I'll probably have a lot of trouble writing clopy clop, being more interested in the romance part myself. But I'll keep trying.
4707331
About the mushy stuff, yeah. It feels right, realism wise. Nothing odd about a new couple whispering mushy stuff in each others ears over and over, especially them. But perhaps it's not very good, writing wise. I don't know... Maybe it would be better to 'describe' them being mushy (on some occasions), instead of outright writing their spoken words? If you know what I mean?
4707534
I know exactly what you mean, and I'm honestly annoyed with myself for not thinking of it sooner
4701173
Yep, im guessing atleast 1 gaurd heard.
4707534
4707554
"Describing dialogue" from a stylistic standpoint is always, always, always, always, always wrong always. Never, ever do it. It will never look natural, and it will never sufficiently do what dialogue can. It's stilted and artificial to tell us what the dialogue was as opposed to show us what the dialogue was. I know "show don't tell" is often what bad reviewers say when they want to have a "minor criticism" but it really is important and can make a break a story if you're too telly.
I will concede though that it can also make or break a story to be too showy. Hell, does the scene even need mushy language? Dialogue isn't always the answer either. Horses, especially the deformed sort we're given to work with and their more humanoid facial flexes, tend to be very expressive creatures. There's a lot you can say from a facial expression, from the twitch of an ear or the tremble of a lip.
I'll have to actually read the fic to see how I can help but it's 7 AM and I pulled an all-nighter and well this comment caught my eye and I suddenly decided to get all weird and crazy so forgive me please I mean no offense to you dear commentor and author I'm sorry I'm tired and dumb bai.
I am not darf I won't argue this point I'll just put it up for consideration4708514
Normally, nine point nine nine times out of ten, I would agree. However, there are times when dialogue is the lesser option. As with all 'Rules' the most important thing is knowing them well enough to know when and how to break them.
Here are a few examples...
1) Repeating information: retelling events that happened in the story (This is something you should NEVER do. Unless you are twisting the retelling and want to give the readers a chance to notice.)
2) Where the words themselves don't matter:
Example: He started screaming at me, yelling obscenities and cursing me in every way he could imagine as I walked away. At the door, I paused, looked him square in the eyes, told him to go fuck himself, and left.
'His' exact words add nothing to the scene and while the speaker's could be made into dialogue, doing so garners no additional weight and runs the risk of interrupting the flow.
But there is no need to apologize. I sincerely hope that, when you do read it, you both enjoy it and come back to point out each and every way that I am wrong, because I like real criticism.
4708514
4709016
Oh, no. I didn't just meant describing their words, like "I love you." I agree that it would probably be silly. I meant describing them being mushy, to avoid the repetition of words like "I love you," even though that might very well be what's said (over and over again). Honestly, I wasn't even aware that this fell in the (overused/lazy) "show, don't tell" category of criticism. That's how little critique I give...
I do think Landgrave understood exactly what I tried to point out, seeing the examples, as he also knew exactly the part(s) I was referring to. I also think it's probably something that's very hard to get right, to get good at. I certainly have no idea how to do it... but it seems like Landgrave knows. :)
I think it's why I especially liked the early chapters, as the troubles and mixed feelings they both had were written very well and felt real. It was only the last chapter that made me notice this.
I liked it, and for a first time author you know your shit, but I felt like this chapter was just sorta gifted to the read.
Not bad in any respect, I've done tons worse but it's lacking something. Context.
Because nothing is explained, why/when Celestia developed these feelings, the consequences of these actions, what was going through Luna's head when drinking, why Luna agreed to sex? All of these could've built context from your earlier character rounding.
Personally I would've not done the sex scene, and just left it up to the reader to interpret the ending by the previous chapters but that's just me.
Over all I say a 9-9.5/10, and happily welcome you and your story to my group http://www.fimfiction.net/group/17/the-fillyfoolers.
Keep up the strong work, and I hope to see more.
FF, out.
P.S Umm...look in to some sites on how the female orgasm works and what happens, cause your descriptions are, inaccurate to say the least. And it sort of kills the whole realism element you've got going on when your characters start having really strange orgasms.