Upon visiting her sister's dream, Luna witnesses something that will threaten the only real relationship she has left, changing everything she thought she knew about herself and her sister.
4678998 Yes, a picture would be useful. However, that particular one would not... invoke the proper mindset for the story. Something with a little more gravitas would be preferred.
4680375 While I have not been above the consumption of (and see some value in) such... less-than quality works, this will have more to it than random, wild sex. The sex here is just a catalyst for the real story about two sisters who love each other and the struggle against their own ingrained feelings, social expectations, and the fear of losing the single most important person in their lives. Edit: And thank you for giving me the chance.
One thing I'm bewildered on - did real Luna join in at any point, or was it all dream-Luna? The perspective seems to shift, but it's hard to tell for sure.
Outside Luna’s own door, Soft Whistle bid her a good evening and left for her office as the two guards took up their posts on either side.
Soft Whisper _______________________
So was it false Luna that was eating out her sister? Or real Luna? If the real one, where did the false one go? If false Luna, then why did Real Luna taste her sister sopping marehood?
4690016 To your first: DAMN IT! To your second: The point of transition shouldn't be too hard to spot, right about when Celestia is pushed onto the bed. The false ceased to exist the moment the real took her place. Why? Because dreams, Son.
Words passed between Celestia and the false Luna, made incomprehensible to Luna by the dream save for the contriteness of Celestia’s tone and the annoyance of the false-Luna’s. A second swing struck the downtrodden Celestia’s other cheek. The false-Luna held out her left hoof and motioned to it with the crop. With head hung in shame, Celestia slumped behind the desk, crawling around it on her belly until she was laying prone before her tormenter.
Was hoping for a decent Lunestia story... and then this. where's the dark tag? I want to be warned about this shit.
I'll consider it, but I prefer this style. It feels more professional to me. I realize that it only came about in print as a way to save paper, but it's the way books are. [EDIT: If there is a reason other than personal preference that you think it should be changed, please let me know.]
I'm a little confused about the last few paragraphs. Does the Flase-Luna and real Luna merge as one, or does the sprite remain along the sidelines as Luna is eating her dream-sister?
Not bad! Bondage or abuse-play stuff usually isn't my thing, but I'm interested in the way you have your narrative structured (it's very hard to find decent Celestia-clop that isn't outright ridiculous).
Two things: 1) Had a hard time differentiating real Luna and fale Luna later on in the story. I got lost around here: More words were spoken by the false-Luna, only the tint of passion soaked annoyance filtering to Luna's own ears. Celestia obeyed the command, slinking toward her bed. Her tail swished from side-to-side as she crawled, flashing her wet cunt and filling the room with her arousal. Luna followed close behind the crawling mare, and, as Celestia lifted herself to the bed, gave a hard shove that sent her sprawling over the covers.
After that, I couldn't tell which was which; I assumed that Luna had somehow taken the place of false-Luna from the point on.
2) No semi-colon use at all. There were a lot of sentences that were separated by commas when they had the same thought, but were read as if they could be two separate sentences. Not the biggest deal in the world, but a little frustrating to read through a sentence, realize it doesn't flow properly, then go back and re-read it while mentally putting the correct punctuation in place.
Don't mean to bash it, the story seems nice and the writing is quite nice - but you really could use an editor. Even if it is almost a year late xD Some grammatical errors, few awkward passages
Instant featurebox.
EDIT: If you put in a sexy picture of Celestia or Luna as the cover picture, that is.
EDIT TO THAT OTHER EDIT: This one should work fine. Just send the artist a request to use their picture and they'll probably say yes.
4678998
Yes, a picture would be useful. However, that particular one would not... invoke the proper mindset for the story. Something with a little more gravitas would be preferred.
4679045
Google image "sexy Celestia and Luna" like I did... or something that invokes the emotion you seek.
You need a sexy picture to make a sexy featurebox feature, though. I haven't seen a story without a picture featureboxed, at any rate.
what about something like
This
Loved the first chap!
4679122
Definitely better, but do you have the artists contact info?
This was funny.
Fra parentesi, sei italiano?
4679163
Funny? Not really what I was going for, but okay.
My grandfather was, I'm learning... slowly...
4679131
Seems to be a old picture no artist contact that I can locate.
Okay, since this doesn't seem to be a shameless smut fic so far...I'll bite.
4680375
While I have not been above the consumption of (and see some value in) such... less-than quality works, this will have more to it than random, wild sex. The sex here is just a catalyst for the real story about two sisters who love each other and the struggle against their own ingrained feelings, social expectations, and the fear of losing the single most important person in their lives.
Edit: And thank you for giving me the chance.
4679131
4679203
I do believe this might be what you're looking for.
One thing I'm bewildered on - did real Luna join in at any point, or was it all dream-Luna? The perspective seems to shift, but it's hard to tell for sure.
It's so weird that there isn't a single dialogue in this chapter... makes me feel uneasy for unknown reasons...
Soft Whisper
_______________________
So was it false Luna that was eating out her sister? Or real Luna? If the real one, where did the false one go? If false Luna, then why did Real Luna taste her sister sopping marehood?
4690016
To your first: DAMN IT!
To your second: The point of transition shouldn't be too hard to spot, right about when Celestia is pushed onto the bed. The false ceased to exist the moment the real took her place. Why? Because dreams, Son.
Was hoping for a decent Lunestia story... and then this. where's the dark tag? I want to be warned about this shit.
God I hate writers that do this.
Your warnings were well placed but than maybe I used my existence breaking power to make a hammer and a fez happen
Your warning is now broken
And you now have a fez
Please make more spaces with your paragraphs.
Other than that (and the obvious dream), looking good so far.
4777082
I'll consider it, but I prefer this style. It feels more professional to me. I realize that it only came about in print as a way to save paper, but it's the way books are.
[EDIT: If there is a reason other than personal preference that you think it should be changed, please let me know.]
I'm a little confused about the last few paragraphs. Does the Flase-Luna and real Luna merge as one, or does the sprite remain along the sidelines as Luna is eating her dream-sister?
Is it weird that I just laughed at this a little?
4782595
Nope, perfectly reasonable reaction.
4782169 it is the sprite the whole time. Luna is just watching
4796996
That is actually not correct. If you pay close attention, you will notice the change over occur when Celestia makes it to the bed.
4797016 I caught that as I was reading. You were always quite specific about referring to the sprite as "false-luna"
Not bad! Bondage or abuse-play stuff usually isn't my thing, but I'm interested in the way you have your narrative structured (it's very hard to find decent Celestia-clop that isn't outright ridiculous).
Two things:
1) Had a hard time differentiating real Luna and fale Luna later on in the story. I got lost around here:
More words were spoken by the false-Luna, only the tint of passion soaked annoyance filtering to Luna's own ears. Celestia obeyed the command, slinking toward her bed. Her tail swished from side-to-side as she crawled, flashing her wet cunt and filling the room with her arousal.
Luna followed close behind the crawling mare, and, as Celestia lifted herself to the bed, gave a hard shove that sent her sprawling over the covers.
After that, I couldn't tell which was which; I assumed that Luna had somehow taken the place of false-Luna from the point on.
2) No semi-colon use at all. There were a lot of sentences that were separated by commas when they had the same thought, but were read as if they could be two separate sentences. Not the biggest deal in the world, but a little frustrating to read through a sentence, realize it doesn't flow properly, then go back and re-read it while mentally putting the correct punctuation in place.
I'm curious to keep reading this at any rate.
5033221
That would be correct.
I'll give it another look.
Don't mean to bash it, the story seems nice and the writing is quite nice - but you really could use an editor. Even if it is almost a year late xD
Some grammatical errors, few awkward passages