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Chocolate replicas, never again! (Improved)2,409 words
Of bushes and... living biting bushes.1,096 words
Toxins, and dog plants, also I should have stayed at home.2,766 words

Toxins, and dog plants, also I should have stayed at home.

I don't like shitty days.

The fact that I just took a shit on a half sapient creature as this 'timber wolf', didn't make the situation any better, in fact it made my shitty day what it was. Talk about getting the most definitely wrong message across.

Although, it's not my fault that it looked like a bush.. or a rotten Christmas tree... or anything forest related for that matter.

As soon as I realized my offending deed, the warcraftian wolf called out to his probably not so far away pack members, demanding bloody retaliation for my faux pas.

Then it jumped at me, while more of these beasts appeared out of the bushes behind it. I did notice them to be a bit smaller than the one who swore vengeance at me, I suppose that made it the alpha?

Luckily it missed, as I was sidestepping his attempt to pounce me... well I might have been busy with closing my belt and thus tripped unceremoniously over my own feet, which ended up with the monstrosity crashing into a huge thick rock behind me, as it exploded into several pieces, and me landing once more on my plot.

"Holy shit!" was the most intelligible thing I was able to cry out. While the rest of the pack, about 13 there seemed to be, just stood there watching me picking myself up from the ground. To my horror, as it wasn't yet enough at this point, I noticed the shattered pieces of the Alpha pulling themselves slowly together, realigning, reconstructing it's body.

I very slowly backed away with my mouth agape, slack jawed to see what was happening right in front of me.

Of course I tried to stay as calm as possible, render the situation to my advantage.

But the thing is, if you have about a dozen Pinocchio wolves, snarling at you with small dagger shaped teeth and expressions that promise pain and suffering, with their leader literally performing self-necromancy, you tend to either stay frozen in shock, or scream like a little 5 year old.

Which I did by the way, the latter I mean, as soon as captain alpha pulled himself together, literally.

So given the situation, a whole lot of ass hauling I was capable of, was at the time the best idea. Thankfully my fight or flight senses kicked in soon enough, with flight instinct winning a very one sided struggle. So without further ado, I departed rather quickly, screaming like a maniac, a five year old maniac at that, while the Alpha howled out to his pack for the hunt to begin, giving me an extra boost of fear and haste. The terrorizing aspect of sharp teeth snapping after me in masses, probably helped a lot.

So there I was, running for my sorry ass to stay whole, while being followed by freaking wonderland wolves.

It didn't help that the bushes and branches were thick enough to slow me down at times, with an odd vine, yes freaking vines, plastering the path I took off to. Although tripping over them and falling down did help to avoid a few pounce attempts by the odd pack member.

"Goddammit!" I cursed as I fell on my face yet again, a vine perfectly placed in my way to trip over in a rush. This did save my life though as yet another wolf met it's forefather called mister ugly sturdy tree. I quickly stood up and gave it all I had, almost feeling the pack breathing down my neck. There was a lot of barking , howls and snarls, as well as the sound of stomping feet (I don't think you could call those wooden klutzes paws).

I soon came upon a hanging bridge made of wood, that was connecting two cliff sides. The wolves were still hot in pursuit. I crossed the bridge in a somewhat elegant manner, that is stumbling slightly and landing on my ass for the umpteenth time on the other side. The wolves at first hesitated, giving me enough time to recover and stand up, then they were trying to cross the bridge the way that felt most comfortable and secure to them, which means slowly, apparently they had something against heights, or wooden hanging bridges, their pack leader throwing me looks of utter despise and fury confirmed that theory.

... Or maybe he couldn't wait to tore my already sore behind open.

"Shit! Shit! Shit! What do I do?!" I yelled franticly, not sure how to stop them from crossing the bridge.

I did realize though, this was my chance, I just had to cut them off now... but how? While they were drawing closer to me, I tried to improvise and loosen the ropes connecting the bridge to my side, supporting the hold of it.

Fumbling with the knots in utter failure, damn those thick thumbs, my canine bush hunters drew closer and closer in a steady pace. At this point I was hysteric... well I was hysteric before they started to chase me , but now I was facing my limits of composure, mumbling hastily various prayers to myself. "Dear-god-please-no! Don't-let-them-get-me! Don't-let-them get me! I-don't-want-to-become-dog-meat!"

...okay maybe I wailed some prayers instead, but the situation was pretty fright inducing, you know?

I tried to yank hard on the knot one last time in hopes to open it, with no success whatsoever. The wolves were now half way across the bridge, steadily accelerating for the killing rush.

In a panic, I tried 'the old chop chop' method on these damn ropes, screaming bloody murder at all the strings in the world, promising myself that I'd favor chains for the rest of my life.

What happened though was nothing I ever expected.

I don't know where it came from, but suddenly I felt a surge of power, guiding me to use a sort of... ability I barely had any knowledge of.

I felt my hand getting coated with a sort of liquid shape, cutting messily through the ropes that held the bridge together, spraying small drops of a purple liquid on contact around me.

The wolves barely had a moment to recognize that they were just standing on a collapsing bridge. The ropes loosened as the end of the bridge on my side disconnected its solid hold, causing it to swing back and a few wolves trying to leap towards me, in hope to make it across the chasm.

No such luck though.

I watched as the Alpha did a mighty skip, sailing through the air and touching the earthen edge of my side of the cliff with his front paws, only to loose his grip and fall down into the depths, sharing the fate of a large part of his fellow hunters.

I briefly noticed the Purple mist rising from the spots where I cut the ropes with my hand, as well as where the drops had landed, but was too shocked to ponder on it further, before it dissipated, while the rest of the now clearly decimated pack was still watching their members falling to their demise, including their pack leader, which let out a terrifying death howl, before splashing after about 7 seconds into a raging, but surprisingly soundless, river that went deeper into the forest.

... There was a long pause in my thought process, me trying and failing to figure out what the hell just happened. I gazed at my hand in wonder, with maybe a slight hint of fear that my hand just turned into purple glibber, before it returned to it's natural shape and color, now completely clean. The wolves though, were content to look down the chasm where their leader had just fallen, not moving their attention to me for at least a minute or so, if I had to guess.

As soon as they looked up at me again, I was surprised to find a new expression in their faces... I don't really know how to guess a creature's facial expression from afar if they have glowing neon lights where their eyes should be, must be practical if you want to read at night in bed by the way... not that I thought they could read, nor am I any type of animal expert, or monster guide, but there was something about their demeanor that reflected a certain kind of... trepidation.

Turns out eliminating their leader, or at least defeating them, leaves an impression on the rest of the pack.

Of course, that didn't much matter to me at the time, they were across the cliff with my ass save and sound on the other side, there was no way they could reach me, now.

Taking that as a sign to celebrate my escape, I grinned the most shit eating grin I was capable of and began taunting them as I went for a little victory dance, "Hell yeah! I'm great! I'm hot! No meat for you today, you dogs! Oh yea! You suck! I'm better than your freaking leader mutt!"

It would have been cooler if I didn't slip and landed with my last move on my butt...again, damn that gravity shift! It's starting to burn down there. I'm still getting used to my bigger body... huh I actually do have a bigger now... and a more voluminous body at that... Anyway, as I saw the wolves departing, while some still lingered a little bit longer, not willing to let their prey escape that easily, I stood up again satisfied with my accomplishments. My costume by now must have been a sight to behold, now stained with dirt, leaves and the occasional broken thorn or twig. I may have flipped them the bird to finish up my grand ceremony, but I didn't care, right then and there, I was feeling like the top of the world.

Knowing that I had to find a way out of these cursed woods, as the freaking forest itself just attacked my with it's own minions, I turned to walk into a direction I picked that seemed the most logical way to go, or at least logical enough for me, that is.

Until a familiar pain made it into my digestive systems.

"WHAT?! AGAIN?! OH MY GOD WHY?!", I cried out while holding my stomach area, having no other choice as to pull down my trousers and find the next suitable bush.

Hopefully those would not contain terrible wooden wolf monster that threaten my ass with assassination... bad joke.

"Aahrrggh!"

Again, I spare you the details, there were unnatural guttural sounds, wet splashing noises, and a stench that you probably couldn't imitate with a 3 year old chilly cheese burrito drenched in long since expired hot sauce, with a note of skunk juice.

When I finished my little personal relieve, I felt just as bad as last time, wondering why the hell I got these terrible convulsions... It's almost as if-

"Wait a second... could it be? N-No that's ridiculous ... How would this be possible?" I shook my head slowly in denial, what I just thought must seem ludicrous.

On the contrary, everything I had just witnessed or seen so far seemed impossible to a ridiculous degree, things like wolves made of firewood, who can even pull themselves together again once they break, just don't exist in real life, only on an MMORPG server at best... if it weren't for the pain I felt while having to empty my stomach, and the few dozen times I landed on my already too sore to ignore bum, I would still have continued to believed that I was in intensive care in a hospital, stuck in a dreamy delusional world.

This though? This was far from dreamy. Nightmarish perhaps, but everything felt too real for it to be just in my head.

Then there was the purple flubber hand... and the apparently chronic diarrhea. What's up wit-

I stopped, my train of thought interrupted at an impossible probability that wrangled it's way to the forefront of my mind.

Taking an intense look at my right hand, I tried to bring something forth that happened back then, some sort of power that felt like oozing out of my appendage. To increase tension, I clenched my fist tightly shut, while concentrating to replicate the feeling.

For a few seconds nothing happened... then came the hissing sound, the same hissing sound that those droplets made when they fell to the ground. I watched in astonishment, and shock, as there seemed to be a thick liquid running out of my balled fist, opening it with the palm facing up, I was surprised to find a purple blob of some sort of substance starting to coat my hand, stopping short of my wrist, almost like an extra glove.

There were a few drops falling to the ground beneath me, emitting yet again a hissing sound on contact, while purple mist rose from their area of impact.

Even more disturbing, if also exciting, was A, the strangely foul smell that lingered in the air, and B, the grass and small flowers beneath me withering and dying, as they made contact with the strange ooze, or at least were in the proximity of that purple steam created by it.

I looked over to a nearby tree, pondering a bit, I swung my coated hand towards it, releasing the blob from my hand and letting it crash into the trunk, splashing it all over the tree.

The tree quickly lost all of it's leaves, it withered and died even faster then the flowers, turning a sickly dark purple and unhealthy green, all the while emitting that equally colored mist.

That's when it hit me.

"Poison," I stated with wide eyes,"I just secreted, no, conjured up in my palm a liquid blob of poison"

What was surprising is that plants usually are pretty resistant to most poisons, not doing anything or much to them, yet my purple blob of doom just turned the tree into what is probably the sickest tree in this entire area.

It came to me... for reasons I can't quite comprehend, as the idea became gestalt in my head, considering by the evidence, there was no other explanation.

I am able to use the power of the Doku Doku no Mi (Japanese for Venom-Venom fruit), a Devil Fruit from the world of 'One Piece'.

More so, it seems I turned into Magellan, Chief Warden of Impel Down.

Slowly, I rose my head and looked into the sky, almost whispering to myself "I am the Poison Man," still not quite comprehending that this was indeed true.

And I'm lost in a fantasy forest filled with monsters... Fuuuuck.My head fell at the thought, with me sighing dejectedly.

Just then I noticed something in the corner of my eye... it looked like there were some sort of castle ruins.

I know, you say now "Those are friggin' castle ruins, how could you have overlooked them before?" and you're right. Look I just didn't pay attention to my surroundings much, running from a pack of rabid barking wolves, that are also made of bark, does that to you... at least to me, as that was the most dangerous, and also terrifying, situation I have ever experienced so far in my entire life.

Then I took a painful shit, only to discover that I can make poison with my hands.

So yeah, castle ruins? Not really first priority in this case, much less noticeable when you think about it. You get the point.

With nowhere else to go and nothing better to do, I went to inspect the ruins, possibly set up base camp there or something... I know, I'm not really good with the whole "lost in the woods" schtick. Lets see if it's safe to stay there when it's getting late, after all there was still a bit of a roof holding up.

Who knows, maybe someone still lives there?

At this point, had I known what I was getting myself into, then I would have gladly jumped after the alpha wolf.

Because unbeknownst to me, there was a certain little purple Unicorn having just arrived at a nearby town.

Author's Note:

Newly improved chapter, progress is happening.

...Nice!