DuskShadowhorn
Joined 9th Apr, 2012 ·
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Good job incorporating other characters into the story. Seems very interesting and I can't wait for more.
awesome job. told ya it would do good. -Flutters
429862
Thanks for the input, this is actually my first story so I'm still trying to get things right. Any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated, and chapter three is almost done as well!
Ill try to give a larger advice/criticism comment after chapter three, but from what I saw the only problem would be pace. It was well-timed when you explained Dusk/Richter and their back-stories, but once you got them to Ponyville it just seemed like things happened too fast. I'm not sure if this is just because its the exposition and things are supposed to move quickly or if its just you're writing style, but its still a very good story.
432907
Thanks again for the advice, yes, I have been told before that I have been moving at a quick pace, do far I have been working to fix that in chapter 3. I'm not exactly sure what my writing style is exactly yet, but I hope to figure it out soon. Like I said, first story, please bear with me :3
Ok, heres my slightly deeper critique. The speed was better this chapter, but it still seemed fast. Not rushed, you got in enough information to warrant a continuation of the plot, but it seems like you could do more. Take the boutique scene for instance; the jibe from Richter about Fluttery would've probably forced Rarity into a fit of gossip, she may also have made a comment on Dusks disdain for Canterlot. When it comes to the scene, or cliff-hanger with Rainbowdash, you could've had some sort of conversation beforehand rather than her showing up, saying hi, then rushing off. The chapter is good, and I didn't notice any grammar or spelling mistakes. You might want to get into more detail as well, it seemed like you would rather establish an idea enough to be understood, then move on to the next topic rather than spend the time to make each idea/topic as meaningful as possible. You can see this when Richter messes with Dusk about Fluttershy:
"Well, honestly, it's too uptight. Me and Richter can't really have much fun there because everypony says that it's 'improper' to get dirty. I think I would actually like to live here in Ponyville. Seems calm, and everypony is real nice," said Dusk.
"Are you sure it's not just because of that Fluttershy mare?" Richter said slyly, causing Dusk to turn a little red from embarrassment.
"N-no, that's not it! I-I mean, she's pretty and- wait, no! I mean, ARGH!" he yelled before laying on the floor covering his face with his hooves in embarrassment while everyone else started laughing.
"I've never seen him like this before, hahaha!" Richter laughed, "Oh come on Dusk, you know I'm just messing with ya!"
"Yeah, well, I think we should get going, it's almost time for that thing at the place," Twilight told Rarity.
"Oh, that's fine, I guess I'll see you all later," Rarity said.
"Bye!" Dusk and Richter called as they walked out the front door."
You went from Canterlot, to a jibe at Dusk, to them leaving very quickly, when each little idea could've been explored a bit further. More reaction(s) would have made that scene much more meaningful. Still, I'm loving the story as well as the concept of some friends of Twilights falling for some older friends/family members, it just peaks some interest. I hope you can keep the chapters coming at the same rate, its a great fic.
437777
Thank you, your criticism is greatly appreciated. Every little bit helps me improve!
Here's a question for you though, should I go back and try to fix the stuff you pointed out, or just work to fix it in later chapters? Thank you for your input!
>>DuskShadowhorn
I would say to leave it for now, but once you finish the story you should go back and see if you would do anything differently. If you went back right now and changed things, chances are you wouldn't change that much because you haven't really grown as a writer yet, or even worse you would just throw in detail that would be interesting but wouldn't fit with your style. So I'd say wait a while, see where your writing goes, then look back. if you aren't able to see what would make the difference then it isn't worth wasting the time.
437991
okay, thanks!