Odd one out

by FluttershyBeingDom

Emit

'Okay, let's do this.' I take a deep breath, and exhale it slowly. I had slept early in my little cocoon in my corner so it would gurantee I would awaken before its time. I look around carefully. Too bad I couldn't fly like the others, their flight is much stealthier. But I have ideas. As unappealing as they are. I silently use my magic in my cocoon, which blocks out most of the light so I don't wake the rest up. I must be up about 4 hours early. I silently walk out of my cocoon, somewhat invisible, with my usual pegasi wings, but my hooves were fuzzy so as to remain more silent, as silly as it looks.

Last night Chrysalis sought to get a head start, and communicates to us via scrying pools. A scrying pool is easier to use than scrying on a wall, like my first day I transformed. That instance was used on a wall however so more could see it. In scrying pools we could send 3-d blueprints from the water taking shape, we could send 2-d messages and images, and we could send some sound- not too loud though- its just water and doesn't make for a good speaker. Mirrors could also be used but were more difficult to control, and we don't really own much mirrors. Also important to note, only queens can mind control victims, as it is related to her abilities over her changelings as well. The elders however were more resistant over time due to their knowledge in magics.

In addition I had also been preparing for a few weeks avoiding eating meat as everypony who eats meat has more body odor. I found out where some artifacts are hidden, but I obviously would tire carrying anything more than a crown or belt of some sort. I cannot change those object's colors. But, I could also simply avoid leaving with the main force. Our hive is located underground at a cavern in the forest just before hayseed swamps. I suppose it wouldn't take much effort to ditch the rest of the hive, but being so close to the old hive feels inappropriate, if they found out I deserted I could be more easily tracked. Especially in the smaller towns, so I if I could should wish to travel beyond Canterlot. I also didn't feel comfortable going beyond Unicorn Range, as Unicorns were infinitely more likely to detect me than simple ponies. Also if I were closer to Canterlot and my hive succeeds it'd be much easier to remain inconspicuous being closer to Canterlot. But I gave this plenty of thought last night and decided it'd be best to head to Ponyville. Its small enough to escape from, but densely packed enough to get the emotions I need without being as noticed. And judging from its name, there really shouldn't be much Unicorns there. Its also peaceful of a town, which means its probably tighter knit of a community- which might be a problem- but it also means less skilled unicorns should be in the area for the ones that do reside. They don't have an army to maintain or anything. So I had it decided. I would be heading to ponyville.

Heading out over to the supply rooms I get a little antsy, I feel like I should move faster. But no need to work myself up into a sweat, I would be easier to notice. Not like most had that good of a sense of smell or anything. I also will be heading to the animal room to pick up a bunny, they are quiet, compact, didn't eat much, didn't scare that easily. It would be a good choice, not that I need to drain emotions often, its better to be safe than sorry. And they ration the animals too much I didn't get my feed as often as I would like. The bigger males would feed more frequently than the rest, but apparantly Im half pony and at least I don't need to feed as often as they do. Also it'd be bothersome to try and catch something while fleeing my breathren and holding onto goods, this was just convenient.

In the supply room I grab a saddlebag, some smaller gems. Because we didn't really have much uses for gems they were not heavily guarded or anything. I knew from scrying they could be worth something however. Looking back at some of the larger gems I decide perhaps its better to be overprepared than underprepared. Leaving the room with some rope, soap, a canteen, and twice my previous amount of gems, leaving half of the space in my bags remaining. I might have to reconsider how much I carry. Except I am up early, if I need to I can simply drop my saddlebags and retreat, but being up this early I could at least see if its possible, better than leaving empty handed as I cannot impersonate a pony well enough to take over their lives I think frowning.

I head to the artifact room, so far so good. I quickly scry outside with a nearby scrying pool. Oh, I took longer than I thought, I'm going to have to hurry, only have two and a half hours left.
I look through grabbing some of the more restricted scrolls, and some scrolls of spells I had been practicing but didn't quite learn yet. I see a necklace. What did it do again? It takes me a minute, regretably, but I recall it repels enemy spells that have a physical form sort of like a magnet repelling another magnet's pole. It wouldn't gurantee safety, it worked better when somepony was in your face, but its better than nothing. Problem is it kinda glows red. I slip it into one of my sacks I should probably be putting food into, and quickly leave the room for the k- no. I don't have enough time for the kitchens now. They usually get up earlier to prepare food, I doubt our hive will leave empty stomached.

I quickly head to the animal rooms. Good thing the others didn't like bunnies, they were too quiet for their tastes. They preferred their food to squeek or struggle more. Herbivores were better at giving off positive emotions which we depended on, but carnivores like snakes or birds would be much more intelligent. It might be a good idea to bring a snake but their low metabolism means they don't give off much to use, and are more commonly used for chewable snacks. Birds are plain too noisy. But birds have closer to an herbivore level of emotion too for some reason making them a favorite, but they often die from panick attacks when frightened too badly, which means we are all out of birds usually. If people want them they have to go hunt for them.

I gently but quickly stuff the fattest rabbit I can find into my last sack pocket with some of his dried food. Fellow doesn't have much space to move around but I have bigger concerns.

I quickly scry in a water bowl of the rabbits. I only have 45 minutes, its going to take me about 20 minutes if I want to leave unnoticed, 15 if I leave in a normal manner 10 if I run. I need to leave 15 minutes before the rest to not be seen in the sky, actually maybe less as my wings are more suited for long distances. I should be able to leave comfortably. Lets see. I should be able to fly higher than my brethren, which is convenient, and I should hopefully spot ponyville or other indicators. They should be slightly left passed Rambling Rock Ridge accross a river. Should be easy enough.

Suddenly I hear some commotions. Apparantly some are getting up early. I should have plenty of time though if I don't get distracted. They won't be able to hear me anyways bu-
Flop. Suddenly my sack is lighter, I look back and the stupid rabbit chewed a hole in my pack. I hear a commotion approaching, then I look back to the rabbit suddenly realizing the rabbit could probably be scared and waking the others up.

'SHIT!' I snatch up the rabbit it's leg in my mouth and it makes plenty of emotions and struggles a bit 'BUCK ME!' I softly throw the rabbit in the opposite direction of me, as my fellow brood start awake, and somewhat quietly gallop towards the entrance half invisible. Except my pack is jingling around.

'GET HIM!' They chatter and click.

I quickly attempt to levitate the artifact necklace out of my pack to put around my neck, and all my saddle bags spill out their contents on the floor. I start to panic and sweat, my heart pounding in my chest and I grab the necklace in my mouth. At this, every sleeping area I run past wakes up, my emotions seeming similar to a pony in distress. Too afraid to cast anymore spells with this damn necklace on me I take off like a batpony out of Tartarus, even using my wings to make less commotion where possible, I turn away from the inhabited sectors and try to calm down biting on the necklace's chain.

'I swear there was a damn pony in here a second ago!'
'Theres just a rabbit..'
'Dibs!'
'Naw there was definitely something. Look theres even a pack and jewels on the floor.'
'Heh, jewels, what the hay were they gonna do with those?'
They approach the saddlebags and notice scrolls sticking out and fallen out.
'Dude somepony was trying to steal our secrets or something!'
'Maybe we can become alphas if we find them! Only alphas get to reproduce with Chrysalis!'
'Dude you don't wanna piss off any alphas overhearing you..'
'Whatever, lets just split up and try and find this pony before the others, we will obviously get one of the best snacks around!'
With that they split up galloping or flying rapidly through the tunnels.

Finally! I leave the hive and quickly take to the skies hoping nopony is behind me, not even risking looking over my shoulder I quickly throw the necklace over my neck- I need my mouth for panting after all. I take off higher and higher to avoid being detected. But I don't hear anypony behind me. I finally chance a glance behind me. Maybe this necklace disrupts the emotions they can detect as well?

My heart rate certainly is taking a while to slow down as I am flying at my best, far higher than a changeling would dare to fly however, but theres less oxygen up here as well. It will probably be a few minutes before I settle down.

'That didn't end up well at all!' I notice that the necklace isn't glowing as much as previously, now that my spells needs refreshing. Maybe thats why it was glowing in the first place, looking so marvelous. I rub my hooves accross its smooth surface briefly during a glide. Oh well. It should just be a couple of hours til I reach ponyville, on an empty stomach however this could be a small problem and I might need to swoop down for lunch at some point, Hm, I don't want to do it in Ever Free thats for sure as I think back to the time I scryed it wondering if it'd be a safe haven near a populated region.

I would probably have to stop by the right side of rambling rock ridge. Not sure there'd be much food over there as its plains, but beats the wasteland of the Ridge, and beats the everfree. I might just have to put up with it til Ponyville.

I enjoy the air immensely flowing between my underpreened feathers on my underworked wings. No changeling new how to preen and none could teach me. I tried to preen before after attempting to scry Los Pegasus to see how its done and failing, I could only reference how to do it based on birds, and I couldn't see them preening easily as they were easily startled in the wild and easily claimed in the hive.

The other annoying thing was the brightness of the outdoors, being indoors the vast majority of my life leaves me narrowing my eyes in response to the outdoor brightness. However the cold breeze did seem to affect me more, perhaps I have a thinner coat than most pegasi. But the sun was quickly warming my black coat up. I was easily not being followed, for this I was glad. I would have easily gotten the worst beating of my life, heh.

Getting hungry, I glance down to see where I am exactly. Oh theres Ponyville, I'm flying ahead of schedule. I smile. Fresh air is so pleasant too, I fly lower, looking at the sights more. Wait, I should probably try to not get noticed. I fly higher over clouds. There probably are not much pegasi if any- but that doesn't mean a pony won't see me. I decide on settling just on the outskirts of ponyville, this way I can observe them, and test out if my necklace does in fact interrupt my spells when worn. Either way its going to glow profusely if I cast a spell, I may have to hide it.

Relaxing once more I briefly close my eyes and stretch my hooves in all directions- freedom!

Comments

[NobleValor]

Good read although there were a few errors.
You used 'much' where 'many' should've been used. For example: "...own many mirrors..."
There were a few incorrectly punctuated sentences. Also 'tho' should have a 'ugh' at its end: 'though'. The first 'through' should be 'thoroughly'.
And one more thing, even though those reading the story could probably guess where this changelings differences came from; exactly how did a changeling breed with a pony to have offspring? And, more importantly, why?

[FluttershyBeingDom]

4593539 That could be explained as easily as the queen getting love drunk and sleeping with a pony one time which resulted in pregnancy. or to maintain a disguise when she was out of magic one day, or actual drunkenness from one of the cities beverages she tried too much of. The main character probably only saw negatives in being half pony early on so didn't really want to question the queen especially when she is unforgiving. I might be able to provide answers eventually, but I have a few other things I want to try to work out. I'll check out those errors soon. Thx.

[SuperFandomBrony]

Made my heart pound

[Dinkledash]

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: Odd One Out

Grammar score out of 10: 4

Pros
I really like the worldbuilding in the society of the changelings. You should go back and expand on this, perhaps introducing certain secondary characters as alphas and elders, and giving them proper roles in the story as antagonists or gatekeepers for the focus character rather than just mentioning them in dialog and having them remain nameless. Of course it could be that changelings are nameless, but it seems to me that if they're going to have personalities, you could give them some sort of name, even if it is something like Drone729 of Hive7, Elder Feareater or something like that. Also, perhaps there could be a proper caste system like termites have. Instead of becoming an alpha, you are born it it with all the arrogance that would imply. Also in that case drones could be on top, with scholars, soldiers and workers being the other three classes.

The idea of a mutant changeling has been with us since Chrysalis first graced the show with her adorable evilness, but that is because it has a lot of appeal. You have to be careful when walking around such well-trod ground in order to avoid cliches; your character has abilities that allow him to make up, in part, his deficiencies, otherwise he would not have survived. This is good; we don't want another alicorn changeling Gary Stu.

Cons
First off, don't take this the wrong way. When I first started, I thought I had written a fantastic world-changing epic, and then some well-targeted criticism crushed my eggshell ego. It needed crushing, however, for me to get out of my own way and admit to myself that my reach exceeded my grasp and start writing more effectively. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt, but if you have a broken bone, you need it set. So here, have a brandy. Ready?

Your grammar really needs a lot of work. You switch tenses, you switch from first to third person, you use numerals where you should be writing out numbers (that happens to every writer, I just need to point it out,) you are missing commas and you need to run it through a spellchecker. Basically, you need proofreading and editing. You can do it yourself but it means reading your story over again about four or five times. If you want, I can make a pass at it for the punctuation and spelling, but the tense errors and switching narrative style issues are fundamental and you need to make decision and stick with it. Is your story first person present? That's hard, expert level stuff and even then isn't really all that enjoyable for most readers. First person past tense is easier, but third person past tense is what about 80% of fiction is written in and there's a reason for that: it is easy and the structure allows for a combination of exposition, action, dialog and introspection through the generally accepted use of italics to indicate thought. What to write for my next point? The reviewer scratched his chin in deep thought.

While I like the scrying, I wonder how the viewpoint character learned it. This is a pivotal plot device and an important part of character development; it deserves more than a single line of explanation, You could do a whole chapter on the character learning forbidden skills by sneaking into advanced classes and blending in order to get access to an education for which the circumstances of his birth did not entitle him. Also, I always assumed that Canterlot had been infiltrated for some time, which is why Chrysalis was able to time things as well as she did. Maybe you could have some ponies imprisoned (guards?) and have the main character interact with them. Perhaps his low status relegates him to the role of assistant jailer or poop bucket cleaner or something like that.

Also, referring to the changelings as ponies seemed odd to me. I think that hatchling rather than foal, nymph rather that colt or filly, and drone (or whatever) rather than pony would allow you to better distinguish between insect changeling and mammal pony societies when you make the transition in future chapters.

Notes Section:
I hope you take this criticism in the spirit of helpfulness with which it is intended. I am certainly no professional author, so don't weigh my opinions too strongly. I do some tech writing at work but most of what I write isn't meant for human eyes... I look forward to seeing this story expanded on and completed, and as I said before if you need help proofreading, I will be happy to do what I can. As far as editing goes... well, I hope you can glean some nuggets from this review that you may be able to put to good use.

I hope this was helpful to you! Please help me out by looking at Pretzels. Thanks!

[FluttershyBeingDom]

4637620 Thanks for commenting. And naw I psoted another story that did atrocious so I am aware Im not perfect, and I have always had horrible grammar honestly. First school system i was in, kids were bullied all the time and I hated the repettion of the school work, I was teased most during english. And I would bend the paperclips on the worksheets and stuff procrastinating on doing the work. I have always been bad at english. But because I love daydreaming lol, and other forms of entertainment, I decided to try this a little bit. But now Im stuck because idk what he will do in ponyville, he could make his wings somewhat invisible but not fully as I suggested before. So he would fail, unless he waits til its nighttime to introduce himself when theres less visibility and his wings can seem more invisible. I was going to have him briefly test out the necklace as well. Then I can have some pony he meets at night tell pinkie pie the next day that theres a new resident. Then some sillier ideas that prolly wouldnt be popular lol.

[Dinkledash]

4638839 Writing is daydreaming for someone else to enjoy

[FluttershyBeingDom]

Should I continue this? I sort of drifted away from this site recently. But after watching the very dark and mature pony.mov series I have an idea for a creepypasta. I don't want to disappoint people, if I liked a story I would want to see it through til it got boring or finished.