John was a simple man living in a big city. When he meets a strange woman, his life is forever changed. Surrounded by changelings and under the influence of their queen, can he keep his sanity and resist the curse placed upon him? Or will he be forced to commit atrocities and bring Equestria to its knees before Queen Chrysalis?
I do not own rights to My Little Pony, or any associated trademarks or copyrights. This work of fiction is merely a fan submitted fiction with no intention for monetary gain.
Chapters (29)
You have my interest
5640761
Thanks. To be honest, I didn't expect anyone's interest yet. The story barely passed moderation last night. If you wouldn't mind, how did you find this story? It's great that the story is gaining attention, but I was just curious how so many people found it so fast.
5640762 its in the new stories list and the title caught me then the summary hooked me
Ha fishing reference
5640852
Ah, thanks. I guess a lot of people pay attention to that. Thanks for your interest in the story as well. I'll do my best to reward that interest ten fold.
this is good
This is a great story there after a few errors here and the but all in all i want MOAR
5642046
Thanks, could you tell me the errors? I'd like to fix them as soon as possible.
5641917
Thanks! It's great to see people enjoy it.
I cant wait for the ponies to hear his story (i like shock moments)
5643379
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I'm not going to spoil anything, but they are going to get more than a shock.
(Okay a little spoiler, he's not going to go on a massive killing spree
Big changes are going to happen in the next few chapters though, and we aren't even approaching the climax.
dat cliffhanger doe
Wouldn't they know about Cadence?
5644723
I haven't explained it, but my cannon is that she kept her identity a secret, like in several stories I've read, until the Royal Wedding and the reappearance of the Crystal Empire. Sorry for the confusion.
I swear that if chrysilis doesnt get what she deserves im gonna find some way to jump realities and get her myself
I don't like depressing stories in general, but I do like happy endings. I'm intrigued enough by the concept and spoilers that I'll follow it to see the resolution, even if the ending may not be happy, certain characters will get whats coming to them I hope.
The style and coloration of the picture reminds me of Skyrim ebony armor.
nice idea of the changelings leaving no witnesses
5647019
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I was actually trying to write an unlikable Chrysalis, by making her actions outright despicable. I guess even the evilest of villains need love though. (Especially Chrysalis, seeing how she needs it for sustenance
5647081
She didn't kill the filly because it was necessary. If it was, she could have made the regular executioner do it, Halberd was even going to fetch him. Instead, she forced John to kill an innocent. Sorry if I didn't make it clear, But she is trying to break John. She needs him to be completely obedient, without hesitation.
5647143
Ah, I see. That's a smart point of view. Something akin to praising a ruler for furthering the needs of his/her nation, but only criticizing the methods they use to achieve it when a better path is available, right?
Definitely enjoying the story and the plot but some more detail could be added. Your whole transitions could extended along with detailed explanations on the current "going on`s" to say the least. I would love to see character development and side plots to fully flush out the reasoning's behind actions and words spoken.
But you really don't need to add any of that if you don't want to. The story itself has the basic needs met. It all depends on how you feel it needs to be paced out, or what arks are skin deep while others are Davey jones locker kind of deep.
Still probably going to read the next few chapters even if you don't take my suggestions.
Good luck!
5647364
Thanks, I've had a feeling I needed to add some side story to the characters. I was probably going to start fleshing some of that stuff next week. I've mainly been focusing on getting things set for some things I've got planned for the story, but will try to focus on your suggestions as well. This is the kind of constructive criticism I need to get better at writing, so again, thanks!
this story is getting really good.
5648826
Thanks!
Have the changelings been feeding John (my name BTW
) anything other than oats? If not, then how has our protagonist not died of muscle atrophy?
5648938
The enhancements had a strange effect on John's digestive system. His body now makes its own energy, in fact he cannot eat because his stomach will not accept the food. I was going to explain it a bit more once Twilight found out about his lack of eating.
Interesting twist. I'm quite curious as to how John will affect the Canterlot wedding. Perhaps our Black Knight will be the reason for Luna's absence?
This particular sentence feels awkward since you used two forms of "further" in the same sentence. I'd replace "furthered" with something akin to "accelerated" or "hastened".
MountainMorning Dew is showing a more mature mindset than what I'd expect from a young filly. I hope we'll see more of her in the future.5648976 Didn't this occur after a few months of training? Did this slowly develop over time?
awsome
5649056
On that quote, I was trying to think of a specific word. I took a break to think and came up with further. I had forgotten the first half of the sentence. Thanks for catching that, I will fix it.
One mustache for you my good sir:
5649065
No immediately after the enhancements. I wrote he was getting sick from eating at the end of the Enhancements chapter and the beginning of the next one. The first enhancement didn't really enhance anything, it completely changed his body to make it compatible with the other enhancements. When it changed his body, it mutated his digestive system. His stomach would not accept food because his body simply didn't need it anymore.
5649331 My thanks good sir!
th04.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2013/100/1/c/rainbow_dash___mustache_by_coolez-d613haq.png
First comment!! I am really liking this story it has a great feel too it and i will continue too read this i would like MOAR
Not much to say other than All Going According To Plan. I didn't notice any glaring mistakes. I'm curious what the range on the curse is. If not commanded to be silent, can he talk to his opponents? Could he give them advice on how to defeat him or avoid his attacks?
[I'm getting an image of the zombies from Naruto that were brought back for the 4th Shinobi War, where they were being controlled against their will and would give advice on how they could be defeated, but in the cases of the really powerful ninja it wouldn't matter much because their reflexes and power would just overpower everyone who wasn't an elite ninja.]
5657238
The curse is actually implanted within John's mind, so it doesn't really have a range. I never watched Naruto, so I don't know anything about the zombies. I would have to say the curse would not let him tell others how to defeat him. The curse forces him to advance Chrysalis's plans and obey her without question. Getting himself killed would hurt her plans, so the curse will not allow him to do anything that helps anyone defeat him. He is also quicker and deadlier than any of the ponies, so any help he gave them couldn't be used anyways.
5657151
Thanks for supporting the story! And a mustache for getting the first comment as well good sir:
5657441
Would the curse allow him to talk about the curse?
5657465
Yes, because it does not hurt Chrysalis's plans. He cannot, however, let anyone try to remove the curse.
I am sorry but
Pherhaps, "You are going to lose your horn?" Or "Shining Armors bride to be will lose her horn? "
5658964
He is appealing to her love for her fiance. A promise to deliver pain can be effective, but promising to harm someone they love will almost always be more effective.
I hope the ponies are hearing what he says and see the hesitation they are so quick to judge even when you have no control over your actions
YOU BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU LEAVE US AT SUCH A CLIFFHANGER! IT SHALL BE YOUR UNDOING!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
I bet Chrysalis gets off on commanding John to do things she knows he'd find abhorrent.
A part of me thinks he will use the momentum to dispatch Chrysalis. The other part thinks naaaaahhhh........
I think everyone hates you now.
5661445
Aw shucks. I guess they won't be reading the next chapter I will soon post then.
I probably shouldn't use that emotipony
mimic NNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
5661790
R.I.P.
Mimic is best changeling. Hardest decision I ever had to make.
Mimic
Not all the changelings were bad, but by doing that he sort of burned his bridges with them all didn't he?
I'm surprised by three things.
First is ponies holding a grudge against an unwilling enemy, especially when that enemy helped at the last second.
Second is that Celestia let John go so easily. I would have expected her to keep him around for study. I'm not talking about the study of a new race (though that is there), but because he has been modified to be a weapon of war, and they'd probably like to see how he is a weapon. I mean, he has a sword that was designed to kill an Alicorn and can use magic among other things.
Lastly, he is a prime target of revenge for changelings and he has been put under control once before by them. Ponyville is not a secure location.